So I'm pondering this dating crap again.
I met someone. Really enjoyed the heck out of him. Was letting him drive the relationship wherever and reality is that it hadn't even gotten off the ground yet. Still I was enjoying him.
We had friended each other on Facebook.
It was a simple, easy relationship. Pleasant....until....
He de-friended me on Facebook.
No explanation at all. This person who just turned 50 (what is it about men turning 50 and losing their minds)....anyway....this person who just turned 50, just up and deleted me.
It's so funny I have to laugh.
And yet, it felt like rejection. Stupid because in my mind, I don't see where it was even going anywhere.
Still it was rejection and I am tired of being rejected even when it should be no big deal.
Tonight, I face the pain once again that I may be so damaged that I may never let anyone near me again. When I do open up, I tend to get run over.
I also met a second man. Seemed nice enough, but not really as nice as the first man I was exploring possibilities with.
He, unfortunately, is ready to go. Why am I rejecting him, he is only willing to see me on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays which SCREAMS married man to me. I'm not even willing to take the chance. If he can't see me on Saturday and Sunday, I'm just not even willing to go there.
When I expressed that, he just said something about boundaries and how he'd call me later this week. Ahem....no thank you.
The third man who expressed an interest in me rejected me because he felt that I wouldn't be understanding of his disability. Ok, thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt and at least a cup of coffee. Oh, that's right....I GOT NEITHER because you assumed I wasn't open.
Rejection is a brutal thing that must be approached in a way that doesn't damage self-esteem. My problem is that I've been rejected so many times over the last few years, I'm not sure I even know where my self-esteem begins because of the damage that has been done.
Narcissism is a pervasive part of my life now. I am watching for it constantly. I am seeing it everywhere. Looking back over my life, I now see that I have been impacted by it since the day I was born.
I keep hearing and being told that if I keep moving forward, I will heal and go on to a healthy relationship. I'm not sure that I believe that.....especially when I feel so much rejection.
As much as I would like to say, "It doesn't bother me when things don't work out, it just wasn't meant to be", it ain't gonna happen. I'm tired of being rejected. I want answers as to what is wrong with me that men find it so easy to reject me.
JJ and I talked today about strong women and how it so often feels like a "bad thing" to be so strong; how men are intimidated or how strong women don't fall all over themselves to get a man and so we aren't needy enough.
I would really like to find a strong, single man who is capable of a calm, loving relationship. I just hope that when he magically appears, I won't be so jaded that I don't give a rip.
Rejection SUCKS.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Rejection is ... I can't think of a word for how bad it is. How much therapy have you had? It's what I'm working on most of all, because it's my TOTAL rejection of myself that makes it matter if someone else does it. I believe if we truly love ourselves we won't give a hoot if we're rejected.
As for these men, for goodness sake!
You ABSOLUTELY need a man who loves a strong woman: they're out there. Anything less than that, to me isn't a real man.
I think what has to happen for all of us, is to stop looking. That might be rubbish, but I think that's when it'll happen for you, once you honestly stop thinking a man is the answer. Maybe I've read too many self-help books? xx
I've had tons of counseling. Enough to be told that I'm doing well. I think the main issue is that I had so much damage done, I may never be ok....normal. I need to be able to face that.
As for not looking, if I didn't look, I'd never find anyone because I'm not going to meet someone through work.
Life goes on.
I'm probably being stupidly optimistic, but I've read so many times that when someone *really* decided they didn't need a man, he would almost come and knock on the door. Even though they didn't put themselves out there.
You know my spirituality is confused, but I believe you're still on the path, and when you accept yourself you'll be sent someone who's not a slug. I know that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt now. Maybe I'm trying to cheer you up and I should just let you be. :-)
Nope. I think you are a good friend and you are speaking what I need to hear. You are wise and smart and you don't give yourself credit for that.
I, for one, am very glad that you are willing to share yourself with me.
Post a Comment