Earlier today, I thought I was losing the house I'm trying to buy. I cried. The stress of it all can just be too much sometimes.
Yesterday, I had happy children, a good job, a nice house, sweet pets.....this morning, I had chaos.
Now tonight, things have worked themselves out and I persevere onward. Funny how that happens sometimes.
My daughter has a friend over. They have kept themselves quite entertained. The three boys have been entertaining themselves for hours together. Funny how when the 18 year old and the 9 year olds hang out, that merriment ensues.
I have gotten much alone time today. Not an easy task in such a busy household. The quiet of my evening has been punctuated by the extreme laughter of boys and the chatty girl dialog that just plain makes me smile.
As I write this, one dog is at my feet and the other is sprawled onto my bed like a mammoth bear rug.
My house is warm and the cupboards are somewhat filled....and I have a van to cart the whole lot of them around.
I am so freakin blessed. May it always be so.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Living My Story
So I take myself out to dinner tonight. My favorite little Jazz place. I look around at the snuggling couples, no biggie. Stick my nose in my magazine. Then I looked again.
I am so puzzled as to why I don't feel compelled, on a delightful Friday night, to be snuggled up next to someone. What is the deal with that!
I am content although my thoughts often turn to the fact I'd like to have someone to snuggle with, just don't want to feel consumed. I'd like to find someone to fight the daily battles of life with without the drama of too much life. I'd like to find someone who interests me without becoming so overwhelmed that I lose myself. Is it possible to find that?
I ate my filet mignon and drank my wine all the while listening to the jazz as I sat there in my jeans reading my magazine as I occasionally pondered that I am the strangest woman on the planet because I don't want NORMAL. Must have been a sight really as I didn't even have lipstick on.
Then I read the following.....
I am so puzzled as to why I don't feel compelled, on a delightful Friday night, to be snuggled up next to someone. What is the deal with that!
I am content although my thoughts often turn to the fact I'd like to have someone to snuggle with, just don't want to feel consumed. I'd like to find someone to fight the daily battles of life with without the drama of too much life. I'd like to find someone who interests me without becoming so overwhelmed that I lose myself. Is it possible to find that?
I ate my filet mignon and drank my wine all the while listening to the jazz as I sat there in my jeans reading my magazine as I occasionally pondered that I am the strangest woman on the planet because I don't want NORMAL. Must have been a sight really as I didn't even have lipstick on.
Then I read the following.....
"Live your story; don't try to edit somebody else's. Write yourself a new chapter-a hopeful, happy one that involves your being insanely well-dressed and sexually fulfilled".Ahem...yeah....I want THAT story! Think I'll start writing it first thing in the morning.
Friday, February 20, 2009
The No Place
I'm reading a book right now called "Life is a Verb" by Patti Digh.
I've been very meloncholy lately and have been looking for answers in everything. I know that I'm not missing LOML or anyone else for that matter, but at the same time, moving on doesn't seem to be happening for me at all either.
Tonight as I read, the words on the page lept out at me. I would hope that it helps you too.
I've been very meloncholy lately and have been looking for answers in everything. I know that I'm not missing LOML or anyone else for that matter, but at the same time, moving on doesn't seem to be happening for me at all either.
Tonight as I read, the words on the page lept out at me. I would hope that it helps you too.
Sometimes taking flight takes letting go. Letting go takes faith. It all requires wings. And so it goes.
I needed to really let go, not pretend to let go, or hold on to vestiges of it to keep me comfortable. It was a letting go that sent me flying into the space between the monkey bars, where you've let go but haven't reached the other bar yet, the letting go that has to happen before the next bar is in your hand.
As a trapeze artist, flinging myself out into the universe. That moment of release before catching the new bar is called transition. Perhaps it is the only place that real change happens.
As humanitarian Danaan Parry said, 'I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a 'no-thing', a no-place between places. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid where the real change, the real growth occurs for us.
I am enamored of liminal spaces, those spaces in between. I spend my days thinking about them, exploring them, talking to people who are living in them.
Sometimes letting go is shedding, like a snake sheds its skin in times of growth. Young snakes, it turns out, shed more frequently than older ones. Healthy snakes have no trouble shedding and tend to shed their skins in one piece. Before snakes shed, they have a period of relative inactivity--are they getting ready? Their underlying new skin is soft and vulnerable to damage. And so it is with humans.That moment when there is nothing to hang on to is the moment when we are most present, most alive, most vulnerable, most human.I'm living in that in between space right now. It's not comfortable. I don't like it. But I live with aniticipation of what is to come leaving behind everything else.When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.--Lao-tzu
Jump, and you will find out how to unfold you wings as you fall.--Ray Bradbury
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
BLISS
My 2009 Word of the Year is
BLISS!
According to the dictionary, Bliss means complete happiness.
I love this picture, I guess you could say it makes me happy.
Life should be simple. Grab the happiness where you can!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Worries and Other Ridiculous Things.
I didn't sleep well last night. Hence my previous post at 3 am. When I don't sleep well and end up tired, I tend to not think well either. Too bad really. I'd like to think that I have it all together all the time. I don't, not even close.
It's Trade Show Season. All work, no play, cranky. That about sums it up. Doesn't seem to matter what industry I work in, Trade Show Season sucks.
During the downtime, my co-workers and I chat. I don't feel very well liked because I fall in that not upper management and not worker bee twilight zone. The upper management folks use me as a weapon against the worker bees and the worker bees are always pissed because they seem to think that I'm taking more authority than I should be taking which gets me labeled as "controlling".
I'm lonely. Partially from the whole work environment thing and partially because I still think of LOML every so often. When is that bus going to hit him anyway?
Is it a full moon? Which for some reason, always seems to bring a thought about the view from the condo and then the next thought is about how he spent so very little time there with me and went on to live there with another woman for way longer. It was my friggen condo.
Then I realize that it's not him I miss at all, but the life that I lived there. The fact that I changed my life drastically at his request not realizing that his request was for his own selfish reasons. The reasons being that he wanted the condo and my furniture and a new woman.
I suppose that I also haven't quite created what my new life is going to be and so a void has been created which magnifies when I'm exhausted.
Added to the fact that I don't feel like anyone really likes me at work and I'm just plan whiney and tired. I want more friends. Real friends. I'm open to suggestions, but I think that I already know the answer. I'm not open to friends. I'm not open to anyone. Sucks to be your own best friend sometimes.
It's Trade Show Season. All work, no play, cranky. That about sums it up. Doesn't seem to matter what industry I work in, Trade Show Season sucks.
During the downtime, my co-workers and I chat. I don't feel very well liked because I fall in that not upper management and not worker bee twilight zone. The upper management folks use me as a weapon against the worker bees and the worker bees are always pissed because they seem to think that I'm taking more authority than I should be taking which gets me labeled as "controlling".
I'm lonely. Partially from the whole work environment thing and partially because I still think of LOML every so often. When is that bus going to hit him anyway?
Is it a full moon? Which for some reason, always seems to bring a thought about the view from the condo and then the next thought is about how he spent so very little time there with me and went on to live there with another woman for way longer. It was my friggen condo.
Then I realize that it's not him I miss at all, but the life that I lived there. The fact that I changed my life drastically at his request not realizing that his request was for his own selfish reasons. The reasons being that he wanted the condo and my furniture and a new woman.
I suppose that I also haven't quite created what my new life is going to be and so a void has been created which magnifies when I'm exhausted.
Added to the fact that I don't feel like anyone really likes me at work and I'm just plan whiney and tired. I want more friends. Real friends. I'm open to suggestions, but I think that I already know the answer. I'm not open to friends. I'm not open to anyone. Sucks to be your own best friend sometimes.
Practice Makes Progress
Hummm, this came out of MM's little nine year old mouth the other day. He was telling me a story about how he had tried something at school and it hadn't gone well. His answer to the problem was, "Oh well, practice makes progress".
How simple and in it's simplicity, how much progress can be made! I truly believe it's in the baby steps of life that we cover the most ground. Although, to be honest, when we are moving in the baby steps, we often don't feel like we are moving forward at all. I know that for me, it can be frustrating and appallingly disappointing.
I am considering making another run at losing weight. The one time in my life that I focused on actually losing weight in a committed way, I lost seventy pounds and kept fifty of it off. That was more than three years ago.
Why, having been so successful at it, don't I go for the gusto and take care of the rest. Perhaps because the baby steps took too friggen long and I didn't seem to grasp that Practice Makes Progress.
Perhaps, I need to knock it off and just do it. Perhaps, I should stop getting up at 3 am and blogging in a way that I slap myself.
Practice Makes Progress. If only we could put our adult minds away and think as a child.
How simple and in it's simplicity, how much progress can be made! I truly believe it's in the baby steps of life that we cover the most ground. Although, to be honest, when we are moving in the baby steps, we often don't feel like we are moving forward at all. I know that for me, it can be frustrating and appallingly disappointing.
I am considering making another run at losing weight. The one time in my life that I focused on actually losing weight in a committed way, I lost seventy pounds and kept fifty of it off. That was more than three years ago.
Why, having been so successful at it, don't I go for the gusto and take care of the rest. Perhaps because the baby steps took too friggen long and I didn't seem to grasp that Practice Makes Progress.
Perhaps, I need to knock it off and just do it. Perhaps, I should stop getting up at 3 am and blogging in a way that I slap myself.
Practice Makes Progress. If only we could put our adult minds away and think as a child.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Gender Expectation Day
Yes ladies and gents! I've made it through another Gender Expectation Day aka Valentine's Day. Who the heck came up with a holiday like this!!?!
Never mind that in my 15 years of marriage, I don't believe I ever got more than a $5 grocery store bouquet of flowers. Not like I'm bitter or anything.
The thing is, it is Trade Show Season. The result is that I worked all day. Came home, ate my favorite take out and cuddled my dog......and....well....I liked it.
Would I like to be cuddled up in a man's arms? Yes, please. But not at the expense of my sanity and quite frankly, I don't believe there is a man on the planet who is man enough to not drive me crazy.
So this insane over-forty woman with a house full of four children, three cats, two dogs and a gecko will continue to celebrate Gender Expectation Day in her own way thank you. In her jammies. My outfit of choice. How comfy is that!
Never mind that in my 15 years of marriage, I don't believe I ever got more than a $5 grocery store bouquet of flowers. Not like I'm bitter or anything.
The thing is, it is Trade Show Season. The result is that I worked all day. Came home, ate my favorite take out and cuddled my dog......and....well....I liked it.
Would I like to be cuddled up in a man's arms? Yes, please. But not at the expense of my sanity and quite frankly, I don't believe there is a man on the planet who is man enough to not drive me crazy.
So this insane over-forty woman with a house full of four children, three cats, two dogs and a gecko will continue to celebrate Gender Expectation Day in her own way thank you. In her jammies. My outfit of choice. How comfy is that!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Birthday Insanity and the Prize
It was down to less than 24 hours till my birthday and I had no plans and since I’m living a life of solitude right now and LOML got custody of our social circle…well I was desperate. So I did the next pathetic thing. I posted an ad on CraigsList.
“If you are like me, you've been busy working, raising kids, feeding the dogs, and just plain living your life. I'm complicated because I have a lot of depth to who I am. I think and feel and laugh...alot. Putting who I am into a couple of paragraphs just doesn't work very well. I suppose that you are the same way, at least I hope you are. I'm looking for someone to go to dinner with tomorrow night. If we have a good time, we can do it again and again and see where it goes. I'm not looking to fall in love or have passionate sex with my soul mate tomorrow night...it's just dinner...no pressure. Let me know if you are interested.”
I got about 35 responses. I knew most of them would be insane. Let’s face it, it’s CRAIGSLIST.
The man I chose was smiling in his picture. In his email, he told me what we could talk about as opposed to how he could make my body sing because his private part was the size of salami. And yes, I got a bunch of new nether-region pictures to ad to my “collection”. Bunch of morons.
The man I chose just seem different although the little voice in my mind kept saying…this is going to be a horrible crash and burn.We emailed a few times and I gave him my phone number. He called and we talked for several hours. He had made several suggestions including a trip to the art museum. I was ecstatic that he was a man who even knew where the art museum was. He was delightful, articulate, what seemed to be the perfect dinner date. We settled on meeting up in Seattle…neutral territory…dinner and the art museum.
He had invited me to Google him. I did, boy did I, but still I kept telling myself that he could still be pretend and dangerous and I’d be damned if I was going to let my guard down.
Time got away from me at work. Actually, even though my boss knew it was my birthday, he piled on the work and phone calls at 4 pm because he didn’t want me leaving early. His sick joke.
Mr. CraigsList and I volleyed emails and he made the suggestion that I take the walk on ferry over to the island. He would meet me there because he lives there and we could walk to one of the restaurants. My initial reaction was….yeah right, walk on (no transportation), island (cell phone reception would be spotty), with a man from CraigsList (they are all insane).
So being one to be conservative…I said…yes. (ahem)
I climbed into the car as I gave instructions to my assistant. “Ok, so you’ve got his name, cell number, and home phone number right? If I don’t call you by 9 pm, call the police at 9:05”. She said, “Phone numbers, 9 pm, police…check. You are worried about the crazies on CraigsList?” Nuff said.
I got to the ferry with less than 10 minutes to spare. As I was inserting money for parking, I dropped my cell phone. There it was, under the nearby construction fence…way under...way, way, way under. I had to reach under the fence as I literally laid on the ground. I got up hoping beyond hope I wasn’t dirty. It was dark so I couldn’t tell, but my knee was now wet because as I got up, I failed to maneuver the puddle that I had worked so hard not to hit before.
I ran for the ferry now horribly close to leaving dreading that I might have to call him and tell him that I’d missed it. As I ran on, now warm and a tad sweaty, the ferry worker said, “It’s the weekend, enjoy”. My thought was, “Yeah and it’s my birthday and we aren’t doing too well here”.
I went to the front of the ferry because I love the wind in my hair as it pulls away. Hey we have to grab the joy of life whenever we can. I was wondering how completely insane this little cooked up desperate adventure was going to get and making plans on how I’d kick his ass if he tried anything. I was thinking how my hair was getting completely messed up and trying to assess exactly where the dirt was and if I could actually get it off before the ferry docked on the other side. I thought about how I should have left work early and at least gone home and changed.
That’s when I saw it. The North Star. Only it wasn’t really north, it was kind of northwest and it was immediately over the ferry terminal on the other side. Where he was waiting for me.
It was the ONLY star in the sky and it was HUGE. The profound sign was so obvious that my heart literally skipped a beat as I cocked my head to the side and actually thought, “I think I may just have a great time. Perhaps it really is time for a new chapter in my life. Perhaps LOML, can finally rot in hell as he leaves my thoughts except for the occasional what was I thinking”. Ok, that last one gives evidence that I still have some healing to do, but whatever.
I was almost the last walk off passenger in the bunch. Mostly because I was scared to death and not sure if I really wanted to do this, all the while plotting strategies as to how I could quickly get back on the ferry and go home without him seeing me. Ok, not my most mature moment.
Then I saw him. Oh. My. Gawd. He was the most dignified man I’d ever seen. A tad older than I’m used to…early 60’s. Handsome as could be and adorable in every way. He smiled a huge, beautiful, “It’s been too long since I’ve seen you” kind of smiled. One that genuinely said, “This is going to be a great night”. He held open his arms and said, “Well there’s my birthday girl”. I told him that was an interesting way to great someone the first time. He told me that he knew I was probably nervous and he wanted me to feel comfortable.
He had his Explorer parked right there. He said that he’d drive me around and show me the various restaurants, promised that I’d be able to see the ferry dock from the entire two block radius. I decided to get in.
As I stepped up, I was watching my feet as you literally have two separate steps to maneuver. Yes ladies and gents, I did a full on, full-frontal face plant on the top of the door.
As I got in, he closed the door not realizing what happened. I tried to assess quickly before he got in the car. Pulling down the mirror, my face was covered…in blood. I had a quarter-sized avulsion on the bridge of my nose, my head was now throbbing, and I was fighting desperately not to cry.
As he got in, I said, “I may have injured myself getting in the car”. It was a minor statement that should have come out, “I hope the blood doesn’t stain your leather and if you do intend to kill me tonight, my DNA is already all over your car so you are gonna get fingered”.
I was trying to clean up as fast as I could, he kept asking to see it and if I needed help. Picture two people arms flailing as he was trying to help and I was trying to keep him from helping.
I started to cry, possibly from pain, possibly from the fact that I was now living some horrible bad sitcom in the presence of a man I would actually like to impress.
He finally said in a very authorative voice, “Jeanette, let me look”. He took my chin in his hand, began to dab the blood so gently I could barely feel it. He said, “I think your nose is broken”. I started to cry. He dabbed those too. He went on to say that it wasn’t displaced but it looked a bit deformed. He asked if he should take me to the hospital. I told him that I’d broken my nose before and could we please just go to dinner.
I loved his response, “I would love to take such a beautiful woman to dinner”. I almost flung myself all over him right then.
We ate a lovely dinner sitting side by side. Chatted for hours. He speaks three languages. Loves to travel as much as I do. Thinks that college students are the most fun people to be around. Regrets never having children. Loves to sail and fly. It was just an incredible dinner.
At 9:05, my assistant called….”Are you still among the living? If so, I’m going to the movies”. I’d forgotten to call her. TOTALLY.
He told me that he was very pleased as to how the evening turned out. He said that he had no idea that I’d be beautiful and asked how my ex-husband could have possibly let someone like me get away. I told him the story and the story of LOML. The abbreviated version because I didn’t want to scare him.
I asked him how an interesting man like himself comes to find dinner dates on CraigsList. He told me, “I was destroyed by the loss of trust by my divorce some years ago.... and spent a couple of years getting myself to a place where I could imagine being with women again...one of my male friends suggested that I take a couple practice test runs on dates with CraigsList. This was my first attempt, but I think I may have scored here”.
He leaned over and kissed me. Oh my goodness, nothing like a man with experience.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom since all of a sudden I saw visions of a one night stand on the horizon and I had promised myself I wasn’t doing that. I wanted to be treated like the prize damn it!
I looked in the mirror. I’d completely forgotten about the face plant…until I looked into the mirror.
OH. MY. GAWD.
I had a huge quarter-sized blood red circle right on the bridge of my nose. This man I had just met had literally put my nose back in place and pulled the skin back to where it needed to be three hours earlier. How could I forget about that!!!! My nose was broken, I could see it and it was swollen at least two sizes bigger than it should have been. I had a baseball sized knot on my forehead. I had two, yes ladies and gents, TWO black eyes. Not the, "oh your make up must have smeared black eyes", but the "when was the last time you saw your racoon relatives" kind of black eyes.
This man had treated me with dignity and respect when I’m not even sure I would have been able to finish my dinner looking at someone like me. I looked terrible…horrible and I found that I was embarrassed all over again.
I walked out, we got in the car, I couldn’t say a thing. He asked if he’d said something wrong that had upset me. I’m sure he thought he had offended me by the way he had kissed me not knowing that it was the best kiss I could remember having in a very, very, very long time.
I asked him how he could treat me like he had tonight, paid for everything, and had to look at this face all the while still being such a complete gentleman. He said, “You are a beautiful woman, at least I think you are since I only got to see you about 30 seconds before you had your accident. You are smart and funny. You don’t let anything stop you from having a good time. You have a great laugh. I feel like I’ve won the jackpot. Although, if things continue, I will be telling everyone this story when they ask how we met because once you heal you are going to think it is really very funny”.
As we stood on the dock watching the ferry, I asked him what he was looking for. He said, “I’m looking to fall in love for the last time of my life”. He told me that he had no children and didn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone, but that he didn’t think that relationships have to be so hard so he wanted peace and to be with someone who knows the value of commitment.
He asked me what I wanted, “I told him that I want a man who doesn’t make me cry and when I do, I want him to be man enough to wipe my tears away”.
He took my face in his hands and said, “Jeanette, I already did that now run along or you’ll miss the boat”. As I walked away, “He said, did you have a good birthday”. I called back as I ran up the ramp, “Yes, thank you so very much”.When I got home an hour later, he had already emailed me asking if I’d gotten home safely. I emailed back that I had and asked if we could please do it again”. He emailed me right away…he must have been waiting….he said, “Do it again, we haven’t done it the first time. LOL”. Ok, I had to remind myself that I did find him on CraigsList.
I crawled into bed last night with the biggest smile on and, while I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I felt beautiful and happy.This morning, I still look like crap, but that man chose not to look at that and instead looked at me as if he saw the prize. And his actions, well he treated me as if I was the prize.
“If you are like me, you've been busy working, raising kids, feeding the dogs, and just plain living your life. I'm complicated because I have a lot of depth to who I am. I think and feel and laugh...alot. Putting who I am into a couple of paragraphs just doesn't work very well. I suppose that you are the same way, at least I hope you are. I'm looking for someone to go to dinner with tomorrow night. If we have a good time, we can do it again and again and see where it goes. I'm not looking to fall in love or have passionate sex with my soul mate tomorrow night...it's just dinner...no pressure. Let me know if you are interested.”
I got about 35 responses. I knew most of them would be insane. Let’s face it, it’s CRAIGSLIST.
The man I chose was smiling in his picture. In his email, he told me what we could talk about as opposed to how he could make my body sing because his private part was the size of salami. And yes, I got a bunch of new nether-region pictures to ad to my “collection”. Bunch of morons.
The man I chose just seem different although the little voice in my mind kept saying…this is going to be a horrible crash and burn.We emailed a few times and I gave him my phone number. He called and we talked for several hours. He had made several suggestions including a trip to the art museum. I was ecstatic that he was a man who even knew where the art museum was. He was delightful, articulate, what seemed to be the perfect dinner date. We settled on meeting up in Seattle…neutral territory…dinner and the art museum.
He had invited me to Google him. I did, boy did I, but still I kept telling myself that he could still be pretend and dangerous and I’d be damned if I was going to let my guard down.
Time got away from me at work. Actually, even though my boss knew it was my birthday, he piled on the work and phone calls at 4 pm because he didn’t want me leaving early. His sick joke.
Mr. CraigsList and I volleyed emails and he made the suggestion that I take the walk on ferry over to the island. He would meet me there because he lives there and we could walk to one of the restaurants. My initial reaction was….yeah right, walk on (no transportation), island (cell phone reception would be spotty), with a man from CraigsList (they are all insane).
So being one to be conservative…I said…yes. (ahem)
I climbed into the car as I gave instructions to my assistant. “Ok, so you’ve got his name, cell number, and home phone number right? If I don’t call you by 9 pm, call the police at 9:05”. She said, “Phone numbers, 9 pm, police…check. You are worried about the crazies on CraigsList?” Nuff said.
I got to the ferry with less than 10 minutes to spare. As I was inserting money for parking, I dropped my cell phone. There it was, under the nearby construction fence…way under...way, way, way under. I had to reach under the fence as I literally laid on the ground. I got up hoping beyond hope I wasn’t dirty. It was dark so I couldn’t tell, but my knee was now wet because as I got up, I failed to maneuver the puddle that I had worked so hard not to hit before.
I ran for the ferry now horribly close to leaving dreading that I might have to call him and tell him that I’d missed it. As I ran on, now warm and a tad sweaty, the ferry worker said, “It’s the weekend, enjoy”. My thought was, “Yeah and it’s my birthday and we aren’t doing too well here”.
I went to the front of the ferry because I love the wind in my hair as it pulls away. Hey we have to grab the joy of life whenever we can. I was wondering how completely insane this little cooked up desperate adventure was going to get and making plans on how I’d kick his ass if he tried anything. I was thinking how my hair was getting completely messed up and trying to assess exactly where the dirt was and if I could actually get it off before the ferry docked on the other side. I thought about how I should have left work early and at least gone home and changed.
That’s when I saw it. The North Star. Only it wasn’t really north, it was kind of northwest and it was immediately over the ferry terminal on the other side. Where he was waiting for me.
It was the ONLY star in the sky and it was HUGE. The profound sign was so obvious that my heart literally skipped a beat as I cocked my head to the side and actually thought, “I think I may just have a great time. Perhaps it really is time for a new chapter in my life. Perhaps LOML, can finally rot in hell as he leaves my thoughts except for the occasional what was I thinking”. Ok, that last one gives evidence that I still have some healing to do, but whatever.
I was almost the last walk off passenger in the bunch. Mostly because I was scared to death and not sure if I really wanted to do this, all the while plotting strategies as to how I could quickly get back on the ferry and go home without him seeing me. Ok, not my most mature moment.
Then I saw him. Oh. My. Gawd. He was the most dignified man I’d ever seen. A tad older than I’m used to…early 60’s. Handsome as could be and adorable in every way. He smiled a huge, beautiful, “It’s been too long since I’ve seen you” kind of smiled. One that genuinely said, “This is going to be a great night”. He held open his arms and said, “Well there’s my birthday girl”. I told him that was an interesting way to great someone the first time. He told me that he knew I was probably nervous and he wanted me to feel comfortable.
He had his Explorer parked right there. He said that he’d drive me around and show me the various restaurants, promised that I’d be able to see the ferry dock from the entire two block radius. I decided to get in.
As I stepped up, I was watching my feet as you literally have two separate steps to maneuver. Yes ladies and gents, I did a full on, full-frontal face plant on the top of the door.
As I got in, he closed the door not realizing what happened. I tried to assess quickly before he got in the car. Pulling down the mirror, my face was covered…in blood. I had a quarter-sized avulsion on the bridge of my nose, my head was now throbbing, and I was fighting desperately not to cry.
As he got in, I said, “I may have injured myself getting in the car”. It was a minor statement that should have come out, “I hope the blood doesn’t stain your leather and if you do intend to kill me tonight, my DNA is already all over your car so you are gonna get fingered”.
I was trying to clean up as fast as I could, he kept asking to see it and if I needed help. Picture two people arms flailing as he was trying to help and I was trying to keep him from helping.
I started to cry, possibly from pain, possibly from the fact that I was now living some horrible bad sitcom in the presence of a man I would actually like to impress.
He finally said in a very authorative voice, “Jeanette, let me look”. He took my chin in his hand, began to dab the blood so gently I could barely feel it. He said, “I think your nose is broken”. I started to cry. He dabbed those too. He went on to say that it wasn’t displaced but it looked a bit deformed. He asked if he should take me to the hospital. I told him that I’d broken my nose before and could we please just go to dinner.
I loved his response, “I would love to take such a beautiful woman to dinner”. I almost flung myself all over him right then.
We ate a lovely dinner sitting side by side. Chatted for hours. He speaks three languages. Loves to travel as much as I do. Thinks that college students are the most fun people to be around. Regrets never having children. Loves to sail and fly. It was just an incredible dinner.
At 9:05, my assistant called….”Are you still among the living? If so, I’m going to the movies”. I’d forgotten to call her. TOTALLY.
He told me that he was very pleased as to how the evening turned out. He said that he had no idea that I’d be beautiful and asked how my ex-husband could have possibly let someone like me get away. I told him the story and the story of LOML. The abbreviated version because I didn’t want to scare him.
I asked him how an interesting man like himself comes to find dinner dates on CraigsList. He told me, “I was destroyed by the loss of trust by my divorce some years ago.... and spent a couple of years getting myself to a place where I could imagine being with women again...one of my male friends suggested that I take a couple practice test runs on dates with CraigsList. This was my first attempt, but I think I may have scored here”.
He leaned over and kissed me. Oh my goodness, nothing like a man with experience.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom since all of a sudden I saw visions of a one night stand on the horizon and I had promised myself I wasn’t doing that. I wanted to be treated like the prize damn it!
I looked in the mirror. I’d completely forgotten about the face plant…until I looked into the mirror.
OH. MY. GAWD.
I had a huge quarter-sized blood red circle right on the bridge of my nose. This man I had just met had literally put my nose back in place and pulled the skin back to where it needed to be three hours earlier. How could I forget about that!!!! My nose was broken, I could see it and it was swollen at least two sizes bigger than it should have been. I had a baseball sized knot on my forehead. I had two, yes ladies and gents, TWO black eyes. Not the, "oh your make up must have smeared black eyes", but the "when was the last time you saw your racoon relatives" kind of black eyes.
This man had treated me with dignity and respect when I’m not even sure I would have been able to finish my dinner looking at someone like me. I looked terrible…horrible and I found that I was embarrassed all over again.
I walked out, we got in the car, I couldn’t say a thing. He asked if he’d said something wrong that had upset me. I’m sure he thought he had offended me by the way he had kissed me not knowing that it was the best kiss I could remember having in a very, very, very long time.
I asked him how he could treat me like he had tonight, paid for everything, and had to look at this face all the while still being such a complete gentleman. He said, “You are a beautiful woman, at least I think you are since I only got to see you about 30 seconds before you had your accident. You are smart and funny. You don’t let anything stop you from having a good time. You have a great laugh. I feel like I’ve won the jackpot. Although, if things continue, I will be telling everyone this story when they ask how we met because once you heal you are going to think it is really very funny”.
As we stood on the dock watching the ferry, I asked him what he was looking for. He said, “I’m looking to fall in love for the last time of my life”. He told me that he had no children and didn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone, but that he didn’t think that relationships have to be so hard so he wanted peace and to be with someone who knows the value of commitment.
He asked me what I wanted, “I told him that I want a man who doesn’t make me cry and when I do, I want him to be man enough to wipe my tears away”.
He took my face in his hands and said, “Jeanette, I already did that now run along or you’ll miss the boat”. As I walked away, “He said, did you have a good birthday”. I called back as I ran up the ramp, “Yes, thank you so very much”.When I got home an hour later, he had already emailed me asking if I’d gotten home safely. I emailed back that I had and asked if we could please do it again”. He emailed me right away…he must have been waiting….he said, “Do it again, we haven’t done it the first time. LOL”. Ok, I had to remind myself that I did find him on CraigsList.
I crawled into bed last night with the biggest smile on and, while I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I felt beautiful and happy.This morning, I still look like crap, but that man chose not to look at that and instead looked at me as if he saw the prize. And his actions, well he treated me as if I was the prize.
Another Christmas Alone
Originally posted 12/25/08
I have survived another Christmas alone. Geesh, I would really like to stop having those. But at the same time, I don't want to go through the mundane initial dating process. Asking all the stupid questions that people ask.
I have my children, my family. that makes my life so complete.
I continue on this long path, this journey that seems to be a concentration on my family of origin issues. I feel a little bad about not calling my mother today. Although she has been no contact with me since May. I feel no guilt about that. I did my best to offer her a home with what I had and she rejected it all as not being good enough. How typical of her behavior. I think my Christmas was better because there was no connection with my mother.
I find that I am once again thankful for all the good things in my life and while I did fight an oppressive sad this Christmas, I'm looking forward to the New Year.
I saw a picture of J today. She is LOML's wife. She has grown her hair out and lost weight.
She looked stunning.
After 26 years with LOML, she has come through stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever.
I only suffered less than two years at his hand. Why am I still as frumpy as ever?
It has not occurred to me before, but it hit me right between the eyes this time.
He no longer torments me. I torment myself with the tools he gave me.
I hear my ex-husband's and my mother's words using them to torment myself as well.
I have chosen my key word for the coming year. It will be a good one because I am going to grab my life and move away from the torment once and for all. I will no longer allow myself to torment me!
It's going to be a good year. My word for 2009.....every single day, every single moment.
BLISS
I have survived another Christmas alone. Geesh, I would really like to stop having those. But at the same time, I don't want to go through the mundane initial dating process. Asking all the stupid questions that people ask.
I have my children, my family. that makes my life so complete.
I continue on this long path, this journey that seems to be a concentration on my family of origin issues. I feel a little bad about not calling my mother today. Although she has been no contact with me since May. I feel no guilt about that. I did my best to offer her a home with what I had and she rejected it all as not being good enough. How typical of her behavior. I think my Christmas was better because there was no connection with my mother.
I find that I am once again thankful for all the good things in my life and while I did fight an oppressive sad this Christmas, I'm looking forward to the New Year.
I saw a picture of J today. She is LOML's wife. She has grown her hair out and lost weight.
She looked stunning.
After 26 years with LOML, she has come through stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever.
I only suffered less than two years at his hand. Why am I still as frumpy as ever?
It has not occurred to me before, but it hit me right between the eyes this time.
He no longer torments me. I torment myself with the tools he gave me.
I hear my ex-husband's and my mother's words using them to torment myself as well.
I have chosen my key word for the coming year. It will be a good one because I am going to grab my life and move away from the torment once and for all. I will no longer allow myself to torment me!
It's going to be a good year. My word for 2009.....every single day, every single moment.
BLISS
Crisp Snow. A Crisp Life
Originally posted 12/21/08
It is snowing again. It has been for over a week. Beautiful! I love it. It is fabulous!
What I've noticed is that I am enjoying it so much! I know that if I was with someone, they would probably be complaining without mercy about something. I'm so glad that I'm alone. I can't believe that I feel like that, but I do.
The children played together tonight beautifully. Their giggles and cuddles plus the snow are just fabulous!
I have a good life right now. I intend to enjoy every moment of it. I will never again allow a man to take my joy again.
I am finally learning to be alone without being lonely. It's a wonderful place to be.
It is snowing again. It has been for over a week. Beautiful! I love it. It is fabulous!
What I've noticed is that I am enjoying it so much! I know that if I was with someone, they would probably be complaining without mercy about something. I'm so glad that I'm alone. I can't believe that I feel like that, but I do.
The children played together tonight beautifully. Their giggles and cuddles plus the snow are just fabulous!
I have a good life right now. I intend to enjoy every moment of it. I will never again allow a man to take my joy again.
I am finally learning to be alone without being lonely. It's a wonderful place to be.
More New Year Ponderings
Originally posted 12/5/08
The new year is coming. I can feel the anticipation building. I want this to be the year that I really discover myself. I've spent over a year now mourning. Time to awaken.
This year has gone by so fast. No more anniversaries of him. No more celebrations of the past. Time now to look forward.
I want new friends. I now have a job where I am stable and happy. I have a home for my children and food in the cupboard. I've got a car that fits my family. Amazing how this year has ended. I did it all by myself. I just realized this in this moment. There is joy and celebration in that realization. I am proud of myself.
Now onward in preparation for the new year. What does it hold? What new things will I learn? What new experiences will I have? What new joys will I find?
The anticipation of a new year. How fabulous is that!
The new year is coming. I can feel the anticipation building. I want this to be the year that I really discover myself. I've spent over a year now mourning. Time to awaken.
This year has gone by so fast. No more anniversaries of him. No more celebrations of the past. Time now to look forward.
I want new friends. I now have a job where I am stable and happy. I have a home for my children and food in the cupboard. I've got a car that fits my family. Amazing how this year has ended. I did it all by myself. I just realized this in this moment. There is joy and celebration in that realization. I am proud of myself.
Now onward in preparation for the new year. What does it hold? What new things will I learn? What new experiences will I have? What new joys will I find?
The anticipation of a new year. How fabulous is that!
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Year Healing
Wow, when my therapist said I'd feel better in a year, he wasn't kidding. It's amazing how short a time could actually create so many changes.
I feel happy with my life....at peace. Would I like to see changes? Why yes please. Still, the contentment in my home and in my life is amazing. I truly enjoy just being home. I get to be home every night with people who love me and who will cry at my funeral. Can't beat that!
We have a house full of love now. Four children. Three cats. Two dogs. And a Gecko. I always wanted a full house, somehow just thought there would be a man to share it. Ironically, don't have a problem that I don't.
Must ponder that.
I feel happy with my life....at peace. Would I like to see changes? Why yes please. Still, the contentment in my home and in my life is amazing. I truly enjoy just being home. I get to be home every night with people who love me and who will cry at my funeral. Can't beat that!
We have a house full of love now. Four children. Three cats. Two dogs. And a Gecko. I always wanted a full house, somehow just thought there would be a man to share it. Ironically, don't have a problem that I don't.
Must ponder that.
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