I'm Killing this Blog

Once upon a time, I needed this blog. Almost 300 posts now. It held all the pain of a emotional rape.

That experience no longer defines me. This blog has served it's purpose. I'm so grateful that I created it and that it has helped others.

I have mourned. It's a new season. It's time to capture the BLISS, hence the new blog being created elsewhere.

I feel excited and that makes me smile.

I won't be posting the address of the new blog because I would prefer that my emotional rapist not follow me there. He and his minions have been visiting this one a half a dozen times a day for the last few weeks. Silly really since he has been a part of my past for more than two years now. Regardless, he is taking up space in my brain again and I won't have that. Life is just too good these days.

If you care for me or just enjoy my blog, go ahead and comment. I'll be happy to send you the link via email.

Onto new beginnings.....

Must Have Been the Prayers

While I won't see my son until March at the earliest, I wanted to share that I just received word...

he is home from Iraq,

now in Germany,

safe in the arms of his beautiful wife.

I couldn't be more delighted.

My deepest thanks for all the prayers, candles and well wishes this past year.

It's Starting...The Last 30 Days

It is said that more soldiers die in the last 30 days of deployment than at any other time.

They are tired.

They miss home.

They are distracted.

My precious son......

who has an incredible sense of humor...

My precious son...

who loves his wife with all his heart....

My precious son...

who loves his dog....

My precious son...

who does the right thing even when it is hard...

My precious son...
is about to enter his last 30 days of deployment.

Please pray.....for my precious son.

Truth...Ug.

The second chapter....more than I can handle. The first chapter of our book club was to do nothing. To calm the chatter in our minds and just do nothing. I can do that. It's easy.

Second chapter was about Truth. The asking of questions and focusing. To do it every day so that our thoughts become clear.

I read the chapter three nights in a row. I never could answer the questions. There is too much in my life going wrong right now. My focus is on staying positive and if I must face the truth, is there a chance that I am being delusional? Will my tenuous facade crumble?

This chapter was a tough one. I'm not sure I'm ready to move on to Chapter 3. I don't think I've completed Chapter 2.

I must ponder this a bit more.

As always, you are more than welcome to join us on this road to Joy..... Jamie_Ridler_Studios

The Joy Diet - Week 1 - NOTHING

Jamie_Ridler_Studios is hosting a book club featuring The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. It's not too late to join us. Here are my journaled thoughts after the first week...

Life is so calm these days. I've started to wonder if I'm living a delusion. The house is constantly filled with laughter, love, and food. It's as if we lack nothing at all. Still, reality is we have no income and now no car. It seems insane to me that I am not angst ridden and worrying. I suspect that most people would be driven quite crazy at this point.

Here I am. In the quiet. In the stillness. With peace in my heart and a smile on my face.

The first chapter of the book was to learn to do nothing.

Nothing, or the doing of nothing, was something I thought I would have trouble with, but then I realized I am blessed with the ability to do nothing and like it.

With a little effort I can quiet my mind and listen to that still small voice inside of me.

My problem is that I don't hardly ever obey it even when I know I should be. I'm hoping I move towards that ability.

As I strive for more joy and creativity in my life, I'm hoping that I will learn to listen to that still voice and then obey the thoughts that it conveys.

On to the next chapter....TRUTH.

Laying Narcissism to Rest

When one becomes a party to a narcissistic relationship, it changes you to the core of who you are. There is no way to go back to what you were before the relationship.

I had a therapist tell me once that the best I could hope for is to be able to pick up the pieces and fit them back together as best I can, moving on into something new. Still I needed to understand that there would be missing and damaged pieces. That I needed to mourn the loss of those pieces and go forward.

I feel like I am moving into something new finally.

Tonight I was looking on Amazon.com. I could do a whole blog post on the fact that Amazon is from the devil and designed to take all my money, but that's for another time.

As I looked at books, for the first time I didn't look at books on narcissistic recovery or abuse or anything like that. I can't tell you how profound that realization was.

Tonight, I thought on BLISS and looked at books in that vein thinking all the while about perhaps continuing my study on BLISS into 2010. It would be the first time ever that I felt like I didn't get to the "end" of the thought.

Life has changed for me in the last two years. I've grown and matured and survived a situation that could have destroyed me. That experience is now in my past. I know that I will never be the person I was before I met him nor will my life ever fit together like it once did. The experience and in particular that man, put me on a path I never would have chosen for myself. For two years, I have been angry about that.

Tonight, I am at peace with this path. I want to explore my creative side more. I want to be open to what God has for me. I want to move on from the worst experience of my life and I finally feel as though I can.

There were times tonight when I had thoughts of various narcissistic topics. I could have posted on them, but didn't want to "go there". I suppose it doesn't mean that I won't at any given moment in the future. I suppose it also doesn't mean that I won't draw upon what I know should the opportunity present itself.

But for tonight and going forward, I have picked up the pieces of my broken life. I have picked up the pieces and fit them together as best I can. Tonight, I move on to something new.

I don't know what is around the bend. What I do know is that I have a creative, new life that I am proud of and I am enjoying. I don't think it gets better than that.

Twas the Night Before School

Twas the night before school time and all through the house
The creatures were sturring and moving about.

The children were driving their mother insane,
Could this day really last cause it's been such a pain.

Haircuts for all and two for Max.
His first didn't look right with his new backpack.

Poor Sam couldn't find a backpack that would work,
Sew it mom, sew the old one, it's ok with the dirt.

Faith tried on outfits and much to her horror.
She didn't have one that would do from the store.

What do you think? Is this one a ten?
It's the first day of school, my clothes must be zen!

Time for make up, do her hair so that practice she could.
Help me mom! Help me mom! Help me mom! There I stood.

Off to school for a social, ice cream for all.
New teachers, new school, is this the right hall?

Max talked with his teacher, shared all his issues.
Deer in headlights, poor woman, here take a tissue.

Showers for everyone, wash your hair, brush your teeth.
Time for bed, are you ready? Please don't give me grief.

Soon more than quiet will fill this house,
On the eve of the new year, so please don't grouse.

The dark desends, but mom I can't find mine.
Oh for gawd's sake, please, I need some wine.

And now we anticipate the chaos of morning,
Sorry, I needed to be a bit corny.

Geesch, I need a job.....and I'm serious about the glass of wine.

Holiday Smoladay.

I've realized that being unemployed, quite frankly, means every day looks the same. I turned to my daughter this afternoon and said, "I want to go to work tomorrow". She sweetly said, "I know mom" and then patted my shoulder.

Ironically, I went into the DSHS office on Friday to see what I would be eligible for should the need arise. I want to be proactive so I don't hit desperate. I can put my pride away if it means my children get what they need, still I hate it just the same.

What an eye-opener! People of all walks of life there. The ones I couldn't take my eyes off of were the multi-generational families. Grandma checking on her medical, mom checking on her food stamps, and the children swinging from the light fixtures.

I've never been a welfare mom ever. Yes I have five children. Yes I have four still at home. I've always been able to work and support them. I've never gone a whole week where I couldn't get at least a "Sure come on in next week and we'll talk".

I got nothing next week. It scared me. I've spent this weekend planning meals, unpacking, enjoying the house. This weekend passed as any other day. Nothing special. Not sure if I'm sad about that, it is just different.

I have decided that I will not job hunt on the weekends. Weekends are for my family and peace of mind. Tomorrow, I begin again. I already have five resumes that need to go out.

I wish I was going to work tomorrow.

WE. ARE. HOME.

Kudos to my ex-husband. He came with his truck and moved the last three big things for me at the last minute so we could call it done. The children changed their minds about keeping a couple of items. We called. He came within five minutes.

The neighbors came to me while the children and I were packing. They offered to help me move. I laughed and blurted out, "The last thing I want is for you low-lifes to know where I live". The freakin' nerve.

They got all offended and stomped off. Stupid people.

I couldn't stand it. I wrote on the wall before I left. I don't know if anyone important will see it, but I needed to vent. I wrote the following.

Sandy - You were the worst landlord I ever had. You didn't follow through on anything that you promised. You owe me a lot of money and you have done damage by not abiding by the "rent-to-own" agreement. You have not heard the last of me. Oh, and since you've stated that my deposit is "long gone", you can clean this hell hole yourself. (ok, I realize she let it go to foreclosure, but I just wanted to say my piece)

Dan - You owe me $4,000. You have acknowledge that you owe it. If I don't come after you for it, I can promise you that karma, the universe, and God will come after you. I feel so sorry for your children. I wonder, will they grow up to be thieves like their dad or drug addicts like their mom. What a legacy you are leaving them.

Natalie - You have admitted to stealing from me and then selling my things. The deputy said there is already a warrant out for your arrest. With the additional charges I am filing, you are looking at 15 years. It may be the best thing for your children.

To All the Insane People living downstairs - Isn't it a lot of effort to go through life looking for what you can take from others? Why not just go to school, get a job, and make your own way in the world? It must be a horrible life to have to steal from everyone you encounter. I can only imagine how hard it is to trust others when you can't be trusted. What a life!

To the New Owners - Get a really good security system.

When my ex-husband was here at the new house, he said, "Are you sure this is a good neighborhood? It's just so close to the main drag through this town".

I looked at him and cocked my head. I said nothing. He then said, "Well I suppose it can't be worse than where you have been".

Tonight we are home. We have met more neighbors. There is a lovely family behind us and a lovely family to the left. The children have met the single lady who lives to the right. I've met the single mom down the street.

The family to the left is Hispanic. I have spoken to the father twice. In his very broken English, he welcomed me to the neighborhood and told me that if we have a party, we must promise to invite them. I told him that if he has a party, he has to invite us because I know how good "real" tacos are. He laughed and said he would have his wife bring us some. I told him I was holding him to that.

FooFoo Faith and I went to the store tonight. I asked her if she was worried or if she thought any of the boys were worried. She said, "Not at all, you can get us through anything Mom. Don't you remember the last time you were unemployed. We didn't have any income for months. We didn't have a car. You were falling apart because of Nyles. We got through that. We have great memories of that time. Just keep your dignity. We'll be fine".

We found the missing cat this afternoon. I was concerned about finding her, but we did so all is well.

Tonight we are home. Docster is asleep at my feet. Izzy is asleep in the chair next to me. Gracie is asleep in my bed. Annie is cuddle up with the children. Misty is asleep on the fridge (she's a tad weird). Larry the Lizard is laying under the sun lamp. The children have eaten and are watching a movie.

Our new home is complete. I. AM. SO. HAPPY.

One Last Blow

We went back to the old house yesterday. One last day to move the furniture and the last of boxes. We also needed to get the cats.

Imagine my horror as I drove up to the house to see some of my furniture sitting at the curb with a sign on it...."Anything for $5".

Yes, the neighbors had broken into my house and rummaged through every room. They had stolen my son's x-box, digital camera, his high school class ring. We had dishes gone. Two boxes of toys that were packed. My rocking chair. We are still trying to assess how many other things are gone.

Ironically, they had piled a boatload of stuff by the front door, obviously coming back for more. They had taken one of my old purses and stuffed it full of my identity documents. They even messed with Diesel's ashes.

Super Sam was in tears because something special that his brother in Iraq had given him was gone. FooFoo Faith's room was ransacked. Reminator was the one who lost the most.

Sweet Mighty Max sat on the front steps with me while we waited for the police. He said, "You know how I look when I'm mad". "Yes", I said. "Well, I'm so far past that".

One of the neighbors said, "They have a storage room with a padlock on it. I'll break it off and you can see if any of your stuff is in it".

We got back dishes, pots and pans. Reminator's class ring. Inside we found several of our electronics stuff, but no x-box.

The men showed up to move us when the policeman was there. They were very sweet and moved what was left of our big things that I couldn't move by myself. They were very kind to my children.

Earlier, I had explained to the neighbors what that x-box meant to my son. It was purchased in Japan by my other son who is in the Army and given as a gift.

At about 7:30 pm as we were finishing up for the night, one of the neighbors walked up carrying a bag. It was the x-box. He told an elaborate story of a friend calling and blah, blah, blah.

All the cords are missing, but we have the x-box and somehow that is good.

In the bottom of the bag, was a pad of my banking checks.

We are going back one more time today. Between dealing with the neighbor, the cop, and digging through stolen property, we ran out of time yesterday. We need to repack some things and try and find one of the cats that is missing. She bolts for the door and...well....she is gone.

I will be filing charges. I have a case number. I told the cop that its time for them to pay. Ironically, most of them already have arrest warrants out. Wow, big surprise there. He told me that if any of them come home while I'm there, to call and they would be picked up.

I feel moments of anger, mostly because I'm a live and let live kinda gal. I want to get moved in here and never look back. I hate that old house. It is a horrible place and while it served it's purpose, it is not a good place.

One more day at the old house. New life begins tonight. We can't wait.

Broken Wings & THE Weekend

When I move into a house, I always buy a fairy. It's not like I think they have powers or something, I just think they are beautiful and lend a tone to the home.

The fairy from the last house looked sad and forlorn....as if she was crying. She was the house I recovered in for two years.

I bought the one for this house a couple of weeks before we began our move.

What I didn't realize at the time is that she "matched" this house perfectly. The color of the dress she is wearing matches the walls of the house....a delightful yellow. The moon she sits upon matches the color of the counters in the kitchen.

Yesterday morning I knocked her down. It was an accident and I still don't know exactly what I did but she dropped about five inches to the counter.

Both her wings broke. She remained in tact otherwise.

When it happened, I caught my breath. My instant thought was, "Oh my gawd, that is a terrible omen for today. What is going to happen in this house?" I instantly corrected myself. I told myself that I'm in store for only good things and the dread that I now feel is just my past creeping into my present.

Off to work I went. I haven't blogged yet about why I lost my job. When I do, I'm sure most of you will find it shocking. I've already spoken to my friend who is an attorney. I'll tell that story when I can think about it and not cry.

For now, I want to talk about the fairy. Last night, when my family was trying to come to terms with the loss of my job, as my daughter and I talked she held the fairy.

She wanted to know if I was going to buy another one. I asked her if we throw people away when they break. Never was her answer. I think we should keep her and display her proudly. Even with broken wings, she still has her smile and looks peaceful. She still sits proudly on her moon waiting for the next thing. I think we should hang her with the rest of the faeries and enjoy her anyway.

Today is the anniversary of the hurricane Katrina. This is the anniversary of several personal hurricanes for me.

Four years ago today I left Texas. I was running from abuse. I was running period. You can read about it here .

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the day that Nyles jettisoned me. You can read about it here .

Now I've lost my job. Somehow I find it interesting that it occurred on this weekend.

I suppose I should be a heap on the floor. Reality is...45 minutes after I got home I'd already applied for unemployment.

I also had negotiated a severance package getting four weeks pay. That is a miracle because in 15 years they have never paid a severance package at all.

I had also called my boss because I wanted the assurance that he would sign off on my getting unemployment and not fight it in any way. He emailed me in writing that he would.

My lupus is flaring. The pain I'm feeling is excruciating. The children let me sleep in. Thems good people. But still I can't stop to be sick.....

Larry the Lizard needs crickets.

The girls, aka the cats, are still at the old house and need to be moved today.

Reminator needs new shoes.

Today is the last day of our move. We will be arriving at 1 pm to finish up packing. The men who are coming to move the furniture will be there at 4 pm. By tonight, we will be home in this house.

Tonight, I will make dinner, laugh with children, hug animals, anticipate my new job and delight in my life.

Life goes on and I refuse to have a bad day. I refuse to have a bad life....broken wings and all. The fairy just won't let me.

Not a Good Day

I was just let go.

The reason...the silent partner doesn't like me. Nevermind that he hasn't spoken to me in five months or been in the office in over six. He apparently doesn't like me.

I wanted to believe that life was going to become calm for me. I'm just not allowed.

The Journey Continues....

Two years ago next week, Nyles jettisoned me. Two years of healing. Last night, in the midst of moving, I found an old journal book. I’m going to post three of my journal entries each written about a year after the one before. When you read them, I hope you see the beautiful progression that I see. This is an “R” rated posting by the way.

November 18, 2007 (Before I had heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

It’s been two months. I think I’m finally getting answers from Nyles. Why does he yank my chain and why do I feel like I’m never quite getting the truth? What is wrong with him?

Can’t sleep again. I was told today that I need to move on. How do I do that when the person that should be giving me closure and answers won’t do so? How do I turn off feelings, desire, hopes and dreams? Plans that we made TOGETHER. I made decisions based on his promises. Promises that he threw away. Now I’m left with the debris field of those decisions.

Today, he told me that we could still be friends if I didn’t “fuck” it up. I asked him what that meant exactly. He gave me a laundry list of things that I had done to make him feel uncomfortable…that made Jenn feel uncomfortable. Hello? She is living in my home, sleeping in my bed, with my man. I’ve made her feel uncomfortable?

It was hours later that I realized that I did nothing to “fuck up” our relationship. I’ve done nothing to deserve anything that I’ve received as of late.

That revelation made me so mad! I received two emails from him and chose to answer neither. The last time I saw him, I asked why he would want to be friends with me when I was so easily replaceable. He told me that he wanted me there in case he needed me.

Why does he see me as someone who somehow owns what went wrong between us and then as someone he can take off the shelf somewhere down the road?

Wednesday night, he told me that what happened between him and Jenn was an accident. How can that be? He didn’t accidentally put a single’s ad out there. He certainly didn’t accidentally go to the festival with her. And he most definitely didn’t accidentally sleep in my bed with her.

I just feel so devalued. He took so much from me and chose to throw me away before giving anything back. He took from me as if I was only there to serve his needs.

I am dying here. My heart is so broken, I may never be whole again. All I want is someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, someone that I can feel safe with, I’ve never had it and it feels like it’s not going to happen anytime soon.

It’s after 2 am. No job, no love, no money. I’m crying out to God. Please forgive me. Please help me make my life right. Please give me sleep...rest…peace.

August 22, 2008 (After learning about narcissism, understanding but still no closure)

It’s been almost a whole year. A whole year of tears and pain. I am very tired of it. Very tired of it indeed. Interestingly enough, I don’t feel so tired. I’m working hard now in a job I truly love. A good job that pays me well.

I’ve learned so much about narcissism. I feel like an expert. I don’t want to know anymore.

I want more for my life. I made so many investments in people that I have loved. I feel like I have gotten back so much of nothing but pain. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

This past year, I have spent crying. The whole damn year. I’m done with that. I want to begin working on my weight and my life. I want to focus on who I am. My head knows what I’m all about and that I was abused. I guess my heart needs time to catch up.

Now, I do believe that I will be alone the rest of my life. I have loved deeply, but perhaps I am just not meant to feel real love from a man that would give me what would make me happy. Perhaps there just isn’t to be someone in my life like that.

Tonight, I am home alone. The house is quiet. I hear the dogs. I’ve cuddled the cats and watched a movie. It is peaceful.

If I was with Nyles, I would be out and about trying to keep up with him. It would be all about him. I would be feeling exhausted as I always did with him. And yet, he would be expressing how unhappy he is with everything and I would be wracking my brain trying to come up with things to please him. A never filled bucket with a big whole in the bottom. I heard someone describe him like that once. Such a true statement now.

I’m in my jammies. I’ll go to bed when I want in the quite moment when I’m ready. It will be wonderful to snuggle into my bed with a book and hear…..nothing.

Yes it has been a year of tears, but I am past the puddle on the floor stage. I am now as angry as hell. I feel so full of hate and rage. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I need to spend some concentrated time on working through all that. I don’t want a life of hate.

I hate Nyles. I’ve never hated anyone in my life. Ironically, Nyles had told me that I would eventually hate him because every woman he was ever with ended up hating him. Too funny really. I told him I’d never hated anyone. He told me that he would be the first.

Getting through the hate with thankfulness, so my therapist says….yeah right.

What am I thankful for:

My beautiful children. I’m so proud to be their mother. It is a complete delightful job to parent them.

My job. It is one where I can grow, but at the same time, I feel like my skills are valued.

My house. It is old and odd and not what I want because Nyles chose it, but it pleases me to have it just the same.

My new life. I have been given so much and a new chance at happiness. I don’t know how it is all going to work out, but it is time to take it.

August 25, 2009 (After understanding, closure, and learning that it really wasn't me)

Last night, the children and I were at the old house packing and cleaning. We’ve spent our first night at the new house. It was beyond beautiful.

Super Sam made the comment that “this house never felt like home” while we packed. He said he was ok with starting a new school because now we have a house where our family could just love each other.

This morning in the shower, I just stood there. I felt the hot water running over my body. I turned it hotter. Too hot really. It felt like I was waking up from a long dark nightmare. It felt so good. I felt so happy.

I kept thinking that I want to someday be one of those older dignified women who is alone. They go where they want when they want. I used to watch them in church when I was younger and think…how sad that they are alone. Now, I see the value of it.

Would I like to have someone in my life? I would never turn a good man away, but I also don’t think I will ever look for one again. All around me I see selfishness. I refuse to hear anymore how I’m not meeting someone else’s expectations. If it isn’t easy and comfortable, well I’m just so happy to be alone.

I now want to live my life in a way that is fulfilling and joyful; a life that blesses me because I do that which I feel drawn to do.

I have lovely new neighbors. Two doors down, one of FooFoo Faith’s friends thinks there may be a grandmother type living there that she knows. I’m going to make contact with her this weekend. The children and I are going to bake cookies and take them to all our new neighbors this weekend.

I keep asking myself if it is wrong to feel this happy and at peace. I keep wondering if it is just setting me up to hit some huge brick wall. And then I remind myself of all the work done over the last two years, all the healing that has taken place. Those thoughts are just my past invading my present space and it isn’t the truth. I don’t have to believe it at all.

I’m such a different person. I am so glad. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s ok to have good things in my life. I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have peace. I can’t wait to see what’s next in my life.

First Night, New House

We've moved three loads into the new house. The children decided we would be happier in the new house without beds and furniture since we don't care about "stuff". The "stuff" won't be arriving until Wednesday. Just for the record, I care about "stuff", but they were just so funny with their argument.

We did move my daughter's mattress so that I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. Her idea...she's a good kid.

The children are so excited about the move. They just want to "get there".

As we left the old town last night, my car got egg'd. Gotta laugh. It was such a wonderful vision of how I'd felt living there.

For two years, I have mourned the loss of a man who did nothing but destroy my life and then tell me that I deserved it. I didn't deserve it and I have come to the understanding that he is disordered and will never change. He has gone onto others and I am better because of it.

For two years, I mourned the loss of my marriage. I will never be the stay-at-home mom that I wanted to be as a young woman. I will never have the PTA, baking with the kids, being loved by my husband lifestyle that I have always dreamed of and that is ok.

My BLISS is something different. It is not what I thought it would be, but it is beautiful and I will cherish every moment of it.

Two of my neighbors came by last night. One is married, in school with two children. The other is a mid-twenties single mom. We chatted for two hours while sitting on my hard living room floor.

I learned that I have another option for which school my children can go to, I wasn't thrilled with the first option. I learned where the best coffee shop is. I laughed....with my NEIGHBORS.

My children ran through this huge three story house unpacking. The neighbor children ran through the house helping them unpack. The dog running after them.

Laughter was everywhere.

Later on, my 19 yo showed up with two of his friends. The joking and laughter was coming from every room of the house.

Last night, I fell asleep exhausted. I drifted off thinking about peace and the "feel" of the new house. It was perfect.

This morning, I peeked into the den. A mass of teenager bodies surround by my children. Apparently, we had a late night slumber party. I know it happened. All the junk food is gone. I smiled.

I took a 30 minute hot shower, my first since May. It was perfect.

The garage door opener wouldn't work this morning. I smiled. If that was my biggest frustration today, I'm good.

I've already made friends with my neighbors. My children have already made friends.

A chapter in my life is closed. Heck, the whole book has been slammed shut.

BLISS, I'm so THERE!

I HAVE KEYS!!!!!!!! Nuff Said!

Jumpstart to BLISS - Part II

So focusing on BLISS because if I think too much about the dysfunction today, I think my head will explode...

Looking at BLISS as something to be experienced and achieved, there is a ton of written stuff explaining how to get into a place to receive BLISS. While I think that BLISS is something that you "find" and "experience", if you aren't ready to "receive" it and "recognize" it....well I, for one, think I am at risk of missing the boat.

This last couple of weeks, my reading has taken me through several steps on how to get ready to find your BLISS....to jumpstart the process, so to speak. So here we go....get ready....

Step 1: Dissect your past so you can direct your future.

I have a hard time viewing what the status of my life without the filter of my past. Problem is my past is filled with disordered people and what I hear in my self-talk is often much more negative than it needs to be. I own that which I have been told to own whether I should or not. We all do until we get to a place where we say ENOUGH.

My reluctance to see a situation as it is, or as it once was, doesn't change the circumstances, it just makes it harder for me to see how it has shaped me.

My past is filled with people telling me I wasn't good enough and that I would never have what I wanted because I didn't deserve it. THEY WERE WRONG. They are wrong now. Those situations were wrong. Still, it impacts my now.

For years, I made excuses for my mother's behaviors and her blaming me for being a disappointment. She had a "hard" life and sometimes I was a disappointment. She was the beginning of my life, but still her blaming me for her hard life was wrong. I was a child and she liked being the victim. It wasn't my fault. I don't have to own that anymore.

Being able to clearly look at my past and see it for what it was without making excuses for their behavior is what will rewrite my future.

Step 2: I need to link internal clarity with external action.

I am failing at this step in my life right now. I can clearly see what my life has been and how I need to change, still moving to the external action part seems to be escaping me at the moment. While I see what needs to be done, life still seems to be as dysfunctional as ever even though I KNOW I'm moving forward.

I don't want movement for the sake of motion if I don't know where I'm going. That has been the basis of my life for years. Movement to please everyone else is just motion.....and it's not forward.

It is the linking of internal clarity with external action that will be the cornerstone of my transformation. I know that. I know that. I know that. That link will create insight to know where I want to go and the action steps to get me there.

More to follow.....I just need to ponder it for a bit.

RED FLAG #1 - Just Listen

Red Flag #1

“Within a very short time,

people will tell you who they are.

Listen to them”.

The problem with empathetic people is that they often hear what they are told and then that caring heart kicks in, not always a good thing.

Gene, the Cerebral Narcissist, told me very early on in a phone conversation that he was better alone and his life was such that he just thought he’d always be alone.

Nyles, the Somatic Narcissist, told me on one of our first dates that every woman he had ever been with had ended up hating him in the end.

In both instances, what I heard from both of them was….they just haven’t met the right woman, that the right woman would bring love and peace into his life. Problem was, neither of them said that.

What I know now is that Gene is so violent, no woman could possibly be with him long-term. It would just be too dangerous.

I also now know that Nyles spends so much of his time juggling so many women by lying, that only women with an extremely low self-esteem and an ability to overlook the most grievous transgressions could ever be with him long term.

When I was in the thick of trying to detach from Nyles because he was still married and now living with a completely different woman, I asked him why he was with so many women at the same time and did he ever THINK about whatever woman he was “committed” to while he was sleeping with someone else. Ok, I didn’t know at the time that he was sleeping with so many others, but there you go.

His response at the time was that, no he did not think about anyone else. He went on to explain that he got involved with so many women because he could see that they were vulnerable and hurting and he could make them feel better and teach them how to feel loved.

I told him at the time that he was not helping anyone, but taking already hurting people and destroying them further. Then I blurted out, “Do you think you cum has healing powers or what”.

His response, “I know I’m doing good in this world by helping these women”.

It was at that moment, I remembered what he had told me initially. Women that love him deeply always end up hating him. He told me what and who he was right in the beginning. I just wasn’t listening.

If I’m ever going to have healthy relationships as a whole, I must learn to recognize the Red Flags quickly.

This one is fairly easy. I now listen more in all of my relationships. I’m worth the effort in doing so.

Looking inward is hard work. Understanding why I went into these relationships in the first place is excruciatingly painful to evaluate. But knowing that the outcome is going to be a healthier me….well that just makes it worth it don’t you think?

Anticipation

I will do a massive push for packing this weekend. We can actually take possession of the house on the 25th as the folks in the house are being delayed a bit. I don't care really. I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I can see that not only is the page turning and the chapter ending, but the entire book is closing on this time in my life. I am excited about the new life and changes therein. The children are excited about the fresh life laid out before us. Anticipating all the good to come. Will it be easy and perfect? Heck no! Never is, but it will be good and it will be different. Most of all it will be beautiful ....and narcissist free and that will make it wonderful.

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words

13 Days....till PEACE
This isn't my house, still it is a beautiful sight.

Introducing....

I've come upon a blog that I really like. She is motivating somehow. I've gained about thirty pounds in the last year feeling sorry for myself. I needed someone to motivate me. I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize the effect she had....but regardless....go check her out.

Introduction Gin...

My_Own_Road