Recovering....bit by bit.

I haven't finished telling my story yet here. I think perhaps the reason is that with each layer, I must deal with the pain and scratching at that scab so it can truly heal is just a really long hard process.

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse takes forever. When I first set foot in my therapist's office, he was gentle and kind and he walked me through everything. Just as I started to feel whole, he came back into my life. That one who did the most damage and who left me feeling worthless and unable to function.

I re-entered that relationship because I believed his lies and promises as truth....except they were anything but truth.

When he abandoned me a second time eight months later, I trooped back to my therapist. Actually I called and immediately burst into tears, told him I had no job and no money, and he agreed to see me because he was afraid I was suicidal. Jokes on him because I was.

I asked him how long it would take to truly feel whole. He told me that it would take about two years. He said I would be functional in a year or so, but that this man who supposedly loved me so much had done so much damage that it was going to take a major work.

Well it will be two years in September. I did feel a marked difference at the one year mark and I stopped crying at the sixteen month mark. But....still.....there are times that I can't help but question my decision making ability because of the damage this man did to me.

This person that meant the world to me told me that I couldn't have possibly thought our relationship would last because what I had to offer wasn't really worth the effort. Of course this was six hours after his telling me that he loved me and knew without a doubt that he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. Six hours.

Of all the heartless things that were said to me in that relationship, that is what still rings in my ears. It's because that is what my mother said to me as a child. "Nothing you offer is worth the effort".

The thing about narcissists is they study you like a lab rat or something in a dish. They see where your weakest points are and then they utilize what they have learned to do the most damage because it makes them feel good about themselves....powerful.

The scary thing for me is that an estimate of 10% of the world's population is clinically narcissistic and if I've been with two and my mother was one....well....even so it doesn't bode well.

Hence, I don't trust my own judgement.

I'm having trouble in my job. I'm having trouble with my neighbor. I'm having financial trouble. My Lupus is flaring. Now I'm having car trouble.

According to my mother, this would be a direct result of my not being a "good" person. According to my ex-husband, this would be a direct result of my being an adulterer. According to my boss, this would be a direct result of my not paying attention.

In my mind, when I'm feeling like I just can't go on, I imagine that little girl who was told repeatedly that she wasn't worth anything. She has long hair and a yellow dress. I imagine that she is about seven. When I am losing it, I see her crying, hurt, needing someone....anyone to tell her it is ok.

I call her to me and I reach out my arms. I cuddle her up and I tell her it's ok because she is not alone anymore. I am here and I will protect her and I will always, always, always be there for her. I cry and somehow I begin to feel better.

Still....when every area of my life crashes and burns, it's really hard to convince myself that I have the ability to care for this imaginary child much less the children that are truly needing me to look after them.

Life is not good right now and I don't know how to fix it. Too much has gone wrong. Too much is out of my control.

Narcissistic abuse changes you to the core of who you are. I will never get what I have lost back. It has been my hope that I would become better...wiser somehow. Now, I just wish I could get to a place where hard work brings good things.