I. KNOW. THE. TRUTH.

This is the picture that has hung just inside my bedroom door for the last two years. I have seen it everyday. A reminder of sorts.

When Nyles jettisoned me....and that is what it was because it left me disoriented, scared, unable to breath, and without direction......I latched onto many sayings to remind myself that going forward was the only direction I could go.

I learned to dance in the rain.

This morning, I woke up and cried for about thirty seconds. A memory flashed and it triggered me.

About a week before the big jettison, Nyles and I were cuddled up. We had just made love. I was telling him how I was feeling insecure, that something wasn't right, that I didn't feel that we were going to be together the rest of our lives as he had promised.

His comfort to me was that he had been married 25 years and if anyone threw away, it would be me throwing him away because I had a history of doing that.

He told me I was just feeling my past and my insecurities and that it had nothing to do with him or his behavior. I didn't catch at the time that he had insulted me. I latched onto the fact that he had stuck with a commitment for 25 years and he was making promises.

One week later, he was gone.

I suffered the first year trying to connect the dots, but never getting answers. I couldn't justify how this man who had held me so close had just up and disappeared and was now living with another woman. He hadn't even said good-bye. He just asked for some time to think and then was gone. I asked myself over and over and over, "How could he make promises that he never intended to keep when I intended to keep every single one of mine".

It has not been lost on me that he did the exact same thing to his wife with me. Gee, pattern much? The way it happened certainly reinforced that history gives evidence as to how someone will act in the future....perhaps pondering for another blog entry.

When we reconnected after a few weeks, I told him that I was hearing stories from our mutual friends that I was stalking him and had gone insane.

He practically yelled at me. "This is why we didn't work out. You always think the worst of me. You never could just trust". He knew just which button to push to make me question myself, to make me say...."If I'd only....(insert stupid taking of responsibility here)".

It took a long time and good friends before I could actually verbalize that it wasn't me.....and still I fought that maybe it was.

When these memories flooded my mind before I'd even gotten out of bed, I began to cry. I had been blaming myself for two years for not being what he needed. I now know without a doubt that I did not do anything wrong. I now know that all the twisting myself into a pretzel to please him was never going to please him anyway. It was not me, it was his personality disorder...his mental illness.

I now know that during the time he was holding and reassuring me that we would be together forever as a married couple....he was actually "doing" four other women. How do I know that, I've spoken to every single one.

How do I know that he told people that I was insane and a stalker? Because every single one of these women told me exactly the same thing....exactly the same stories....exactly the same.

My "inner-circle" friend S wrote this to me in an email:

"It seems he feared or fears you the most Jeanette. As he has warned the others 'of you' (called you a stalker etc). I think that says something about you! You are the strongest and wisest of them all and that is what he fears the most. He's a predator and recognizes you are the one he now cannot keep control over, so he had to paint you as the most 'crazy one' He is a very sick man. I am so glad to hear you are coming to finality with this whole thing and feeling good about your connecting with these women."

For two years, people who love me have told me that I have to face the fact that I may never get answers and I may never know the truth.

I. KNOW. THE. TRUTH.

Thank you....my deepest thank you ever to the victim who placed the CraigsList ad this past weekend. You are brave as can be to seek answers. You are brave to face this deception head on and try to make sense of it. I thank you so much for bringing true peace and understanding to this four year nightmare for me. It is my deepest desire, hope, and prayer that you will make peace with what this man did to you.

THANK YOU.