Could someone please explain why I'm once again up at 2 am with the cats?
I have no I idea why I go through periods like this. I wake up in the middle of the night so ready to start my day. A glass of a tea. A cuddle with the cats.
It's as if there is something that I need to ponder or accomplish. I'm just not sure what unfinished business might be lurking.
Annoying as it is, I do love the quiet.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The "Independent Woman" Myth
I am an educated woman. I have a career that I have worked for the better part of 26 years. I am responsible, active, busy, and filled with contentment and joy. I am the classic independent woman.
Most of my friends are the same way.
Another of my friends lost her man today. Not lost in that he died, but lost in that he wasn’t willing to be the man that she needed him to be. She walked away because he wouldn’t take the actions needed to make the life she thought they were trying to live together. He wasn’t willing to fulfill the promises that he has made. He is telling her he is devastated. And yet, he just doesn’t seem to get that she is asking for so little. She has walked through fire for him over the last four years. He hasn’t been selfish, he just hasn’t been engaged.
This is the second friend in the last month who has endured this heart wrenching loss. The man she was involved with walked away from her after years of being together. His excuse was that he needed to experience different “kinds of women”. Is that like going to a buffet and picking and choosing what you’d like to eat, sampling it all? She placed so much of her life on hold while he has decided what he wants. Now he has decided that he doesn’t want her.
Two friends. One chose to maintain and foster her “independent woman” self. One chose to be less “independent”. They both lost and now are being forced to let go of someone. They have both loved deeply. They have invested their time and energies in the hopes of building something. They have made life decisions based on promises made.
Last night, I tried to explain to my daughter that all of life should be a balance. As I tried to explain to her why I’m not with anyone, I found it was impossible to explain. I tried to explain why these “long-term” relationships were crashing and burning all around us. I found that impossible to explain too.
If I choose to be transparent with someone…to make a conscious decision to be true to myself and share that with them…..is it wrong of me to expect any less from him?
If he wants space and freedom to pursue his dreams…is it wrong for me to expect any less from him?
If I just want one man to delight in the rest of my life…is it wrong to expect any less from him?
I intend to work hard at my next relationship. I intend to give it the attention and nurturing that I give my career or my children. But is it wrong to truly expect that I won’t, at some point, be thrown away just because he got bored?
Relationships are such a crap shoot. Will any of it stick and if I choose to put everything I have into a relationship, why can’t I expect him to cherish me as an independent woman instead of trying to turn me into a woman who designs my life around him?
I have friends who are hurting today and a daughter who is trying to find the balance between being a dependent woman and an independent woman. She is thirteen. Perhaps when she gets there, she can explain it to the rest of us.
Most of my friends are the same way.
Another of my friends lost her man today. Not lost in that he died, but lost in that he wasn’t willing to be the man that she needed him to be. She walked away because he wouldn’t take the actions needed to make the life she thought they were trying to live together. He wasn’t willing to fulfill the promises that he has made. He is telling her he is devastated. And yet, he just doesn’t seem to get that she is asking for so little. She has walked through fire for him over the last four years. He hasn’t been selfish, he just hasn’t been engaged.
This is the second friend in the last month who has endured this heart wrenching loss. The man she was involved with walked away from her after years of being together. His excuse was that he needed to experience different “kinds of women”. Is that like going to a buffet and picking and choosing what you’d like to eat, sampling it all? She placed so much of her life on hold while he has decided what he wants. Now he has decided that he doesn’t want her.
Two friends. One chose to maintain and foster her “independent woman” self. One chose to be less “independent”. They both lost and now are being forced to let go of someone. They have both loved deeply. They have invested their time and energies in the hopes of building something. They have made life decisions based on promises made.
Last night, I tried to explain to my daughter that all of life should be a balance. As I tried to explain to her why I’m not with anyone, I found it was impossible to explain. I tried to explain why these “long-term” relationships were crashing and burning all around us. I found that impossible to explain too.
If I choose to be transparent with someone…to make a conscious decision to be true to myself and share that with them…..is it wrong of me to expect any less from him?
If he wants space and freedom to pursue his dreams…is it wrong for me to expect any less from him?
If I just want one man to delight in the rest of my life…is it wrong to expect any less from him?
I intend to work hard at my next relationship. I intend to give it the attention and nurturing that I give my career or my children. But is it wrong to truly expect that I won’t, at some point, be thrown away just because he got bored?
Relationships are such a crap shoot. Will any of it stick and if I choose to put everything I have into a relationship, why can’t I expect him to cherish me as an independent woman instead of trying to turn me into a woman who designs my life around him?
I have friends who are hurting today and a daughter who is trying to find the balance between being a dependent woman and an independent woman. She is thirteen. Perhaps when she gets there, she can explain it to the rest of us.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Surrounded...always.
It always amazes me how many wonderful people I know.
Because of my career, I have been blessed to travel all over the world and make some really wonderful friends. People that just leave me feeling so warm and fuzzy. People who have no problem reminding me how funny I am and how I completely embarrassed myself in front of them.
This week has been a wonderful moment in time. Every time I have logged on to the computer this week, there was someone or an email or something just waiting to say "hi". It just reinforces to me how much we all impact each other.
Because of my job, I often feel like my impact is nothing but negative. I am the enforcer at work. My boss calls me the hatchet woman. He introduced me to a client this week for the first time. He said, "And this is my drill sergeant, hatchet woman, and all round keep it tight woman. She is scary, watch your back".
He was teasing, but still...how does someone get over that type of first impression?
I had worked with this woman before via the phone and through email. She knew me and my personality so she made a joke. She asked him how he had managed to find someone as good as me and how much he thought it would take to get me to come to her company. She knew just where to hit my boss.
Then she turned to me and said, "I'm so impressed with you. No one has ever handled him the way you can". Apparently my boss has a big mouth when it comes to talking about his staff.
Today, my assistant brought me a piece of pizza because she said that she could tell I wasn't going to eat today if she didn't force me. She told me that I look after everyone else in the company, she wanted to make sure that I was looked after. Gotta love her!
We impact and make impressions on others even when we don't realize it. I've been mired in self-pity the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten how much I impact others just by smiling, chatting, laughing. I wish I would stop doing that; the forgetting part, not the smiling, chatting and laughing.
Tonight, I'm pondering how we are interlinked in so many ways. I want to leverage that fact. I want to be there for others and constantly reminding them what they mean to me. It's good to be a part of that! I want to get away from self-pity and into loving others that much more. I'm going to make an effort!
Because of my career, I have been blessed to travel all over the world and make some really wonderful friends. People that just leave me feeling so warm and fuzzy. People who have no problem reminding me how funny I am and how I completely embarrassed myself in front of them.
This week has been a wonderful moment in time. Every time I have logged on to the computer this week, there was someone or an email or something just waiting to say "hi". It just reinforces to me how much we all impact each other.
Because of my job, I often feel like my impact is nothing but negative. I am the enforcer at work. My boss calls me the hatchet woman. He introduced me to a client this week for the first time. He said, "And this is my drill sergeant, hatchet woman, and all round keep it tight woman. She is scary, watch your back".
He was teasing, but still...how does someone get over that type of first impression?
I had worked with this woman before via the phone and through email. She knew me and my personality so she made a joke. She asked him how he had managed to find someone as good as me and how much he thought it would take to get me to come to her company. She knew just where to hit my boss.
Then she turned to me and said, "I'm so impressed with you. No one has ever handled him the way you can". Apparently my boss has a big mouth when it comes to talking about his staff.
Today, my assistant brought me a piece of pizza because she said that she could tell I wasn't going to eat today if she didn't force me. She told me that I look after everyone else in the company, she wanted to make sure that I was looked after. Gotta love her!
We impact and make impressions on others even when we don't realize it. I've been mired in self-pity the last couple of weeks. I have forgotten how much I impact others just by smiling, chatting, laughing. I wish I would stop doing that; the forgetting part, not the smiling, chatting and laughing.
Tonight, I'm pondering how we are interlinked in so many ways. I want to leverage that fact. I want to be there for others and constantly reminding them what they mean to me. It's good to be a part of that! I want to get away from self-pity and into loving others that much more. I'm going to make an effort!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Adult Children....I Am So Old.
I have five children. No secret there. The secret is they are all growing up too fast and I fear that time is slipping away. Will they not need me? Will they just forget how much I mean to them? Will I be the crazy woman with cats down the street?
I have a child who is serving in Iraq. He is married. He'll be coming home soon for a two week break. There will be much celebration. He and his wife were trying to have their first baby before he left. My baby is trying for a baby.
The next child is launching into adulthood. He is eighteen. I told him not to go forward with his life until he was absolutely ready to go some direction. He could have a year. To travel. To relax. Whatever. I knew it wouldn't take a year.
Well, we just came from talking with a college finance counselor. Private school. Starting in June.
Have I told you about my chest pain. Ok, not really chest pain, but oh my goodness pondering paying for college is stressful.
I've never been one to worry about my children, but now I have two that are living on the edge.
When they were small, I would scoop them up and just make sure that they didn't destroy something valuable or in some way injure themselves. My main goal as a parent was to make sure that they understood that there is a center of the universe and "you are not it". That every decision you make has consequences so make careful choices. That no matter what, your mom loves you and that no matter what, you have a least one person in your life that will sacrifice for you.
I have two, yes TWO adult children. Incredible.
I have enjoyed every moment of their lives. But still.....when am I obligated to be excited about being a....cough....cough....gag.....grandma.
I have a child who is serving in Iraq. He is married. He'll be coming home soon for a two week break. There will be much celebration. He and his wife were trying to have their first baby before he left. My baby is trying for a baby.
The next child is launching into adulthood. He is eighteen. I told him not to go forward with his life until he was absolutely ready to go some direction. He could have a year. To travel. To relax. Whatever. I knew it wouldn't take a year.
Well, we just came from talking with a college finance counselor. Private school. Starting in June.
Have I told you about my chest pain. Ok, not really chest pain, but oh my goodness pondering paying for college is stressful.
I've never been one to worry about my children, but now I have two that are living on the edge.
When they were small, I would scoop them up and just make sure that they didn't destroy something valuable or in some way injure themselves. My main goal as a parent was to make sure that they understood that there is a center of the universe and "you are not it". That every decision you make has consequences so make careful choices. That no matter what, your mom loves you and that no matter what, you have a least one person in your life that will sacrifice for you.
I have two, yes TWO adult children. Incredible.
I have enjoyed every moment of their lives. But still.....when am I obligated to be excited about being a....cough....cough....gag.....grandma.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
A New Addiction
Ok, that's an exaggeration.
I've discovered Facebook. In a huge way. I'm so embarassed.
I have six friends. Ok three of them are my relatives, but whatever.
Who thought this up? A way to post constantly about your life and the lives of all your friends.
It's insane.
I received a friend request from someone I went to college with more than twenty years ago. He found me on a college group. I must confess that I don't even know this person. He has over 800 friends listed. How can someone have 800 friends?
On the same college group list, I found someone that a couple of years ago tried to date me. I found out he was married. What a moron. Last night, I found out we went to the same school at the same time.....a small Bible college in Southern California. Hello? No wonder he always looked so familiar.
Very small, small world. Creepy really.
I've discovered Facebook. In a huge way. I'm so embarassed.
I have six friends. Ok three of them are my relatives, but whatever.
Who thought this up? A way to post constantly about your life and the lives of all your friends.
It's insane.
I received a friend request from someone I went to college with more than twenty years ago. He found me on a college group. I must confess that I don't even know this person. He has over 800 friends listed. How can someone have 800 friends?
On the same college group list, I found someone that a couple of years ago tried to date me. I found out he was married. What a moron. Last night, I found out we went to the same school at the same time.....a small Bible college in Southern California. Hello? No wonder he always looked so familiar.
Very small, small world. Creepy really.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Wave
Sometimes unhappiness overtakes me. Sometimes I see it on the horizon like a wave. Far off.
I know it is coming. I can see it swelling on the horizon.
I take a deep breath and prepare.
Years ago, I learned that I can't keep it from coming. There is no way to change the fact that the wave is going to hit me.
Years ago, I learned that if I just relax and let the wave roll over me, eventually I come up for air again.
Eventually the sun will hit my face.
Eventually the sweet air and the birds singing will begin again.
This week started with a death. I am also missing people in my past that don't deserve it. I am having trouble concentrating on life. I am feeling sorry for myself. A wave has hit me.
I am deep...Relaxing.....Holding my breath.....Looking up....It's just a matter of time till a break through.
I know it is coming. I can see it swelling on the horizon.
I take a deep breath and prepare.
Years ago, I learned that I can't keep it from coming. There is no way to change the fact that the wave is going to hit me.
Years ago, I learned that if I just relax and let the wave roll over me, eventually I come up for air again.
Eventually the sun will hit my face.
Eventually the sweet air and the birds singing will begin again.
This week started with a death. I am also missing people in my past that don't deserve it. I am having trouble concentrating on life. I am feeling sorry for myself. A wave has hit me.
I am deep...Relaxing.....Holding my breath.....Looking up....It's just a matter of time till a break through.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Keagan....
There was a little boy that I cared for once upon a time.
He came from a harsh home, but he smiled the most beautiful smile. I saw him time and again as he was growing up, but never really bought into his life like I would someone close to me. Still, I remember that smile.
Tonight I found out that Keagan died this weekend.
He had brain cancer.
He was fifteen.
I don't know that I would have done anything else to have gotten closer to him. I never felt the need. I guess it is the fact that he was so young and to have gone from diagnosis to death in a little under four months at such a young age...well...it just makes me want to gather up the people that mean so much to me and the people that are on the outskirts of my life and to hug them tightly and tell them that no matter what, I am willing to be there for them.
Willing to walk through anything with them.
Willing to laugh with them.
Willing to cry.
You just tell me what you need. I'm there. Ready to love on you.....always.
Rest in the arms of God Keagan, your smile was a delight.
He came from a harsh home, but he smiled the most beautiful smile. I saw him time and again as he was growing up, but never really bought into his life like I would someone close to me. Still, I remember that smile.
Tonight I found out that Keagan died this weekend.
He had brain cancer.
He was fifteen.
I don't know that I would have done anything else to have gotten closer to him. I never felt the need. I guess it is the fact that he was so young and to have gone from diagnosis to death in a little under four months at such a young age...well...it just makes me want to gather up the people that mean so much to me and the people that are on the outskirts of my life and to hug them tightly and tell them that no matter what, I am willing to be there for them.
Willing to walk through anything with them.
Willing to laugh with them.
Willing to cry.
You just tell me what you need. I'm there. Ready to love on you.....always.
Rest in the arms of God Keagan, your smile was a delight.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Birthday Insanity Revisited
So I've had three people ask me for a follow up to the Birthday Insanity man Mr. CraigsList. I usually don't take requests for anything....Well....here’s an update….oh and for the record this is probably an "R" rated blog moment....
I guess the first thing I must ask is why men seem to think that sending a picture of the penis is inviting in any way to a woman.
Please ladies, let’s see a show of hands as to if any of you have pursued a relationship with someone based on a picture of their nether regions.
I don’t get it. I just don’t. Mr. CraigsList, who was my birthday delight, turned into a nutcase of Biblical proportions. He sent me a picture on the following Monday night of his nether regions. Only it wasn’t a rock hard, “come here baby I miss you” picture….it was an “I just got out of a cold pool” picture. The sucker was less than two inches.
One, I’d already told him that I chose him because he DIDN’T send me a picture like that when I was advertising for a dinner date. Did he forget that? Or maybe I should ask, "How does one forget something like that"?
When we talked a few days later, I expressed again how much I don’t appreciate that sort of stuff except it is way fun when my friends and I get together and drink while comparing the absurdity of even publishing something like that on the internet. I mean for goodness sake, this man is in his 60’s. I told him once again how those types of pictures always make me wonder how many other women have been sent that picture. I mean really!
His response…."What are you doing Wednesday night? I know your kids are gone so would you like to pick me up at the ferry and I can keep you warm in your bed?"
Alrighty let’s review…
Drive to ferry after my children leave – ½ hour
Drive back to my place – ½ hour
Chitchat as I show him around and then chitchat as we are putting our clothes back on – ½ hour
Drive back to the ferry to drop Mr. CraigsList off – ½ hour
Drive back home before my children get home – ½ hour.
That leaves us 15 minutes for sex. Yes ladies….15 whole minutes.
At this point in the conversation, I was already shouting in my pathetic little brain…NEXT!!!!!! But wanting to toy with the moron I decided to play the game. So I said, “How about if I come to your place this weekend and we can have all day”.
He launched into seven…yes, seven…different excuses as to why it would NEVER be good to meet at his place. Then he said the dreaded line that hits a nerve every time for me…We are mature adults…why can’t we just get together and play?
Since when is random sex a metrics by which we should be measuring our maturity level?
If I say no, does that imply that I am not a mature adult and that something is wrong with me?
If I say yes, will that cause me to be more valued as a mature person?
By the time I got off the phone, I was so disgusted with his attitude that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t willing to just lay down and “do it” because I might enjoy it…well, I politely hung up as he was saying…well call me when you have more time and I’ll get on the ferry right away.
Then it hit me…why is he so adamant about doing it at my house and isn’t interested at all in bringing me into his world?
I suppose I should feel proud of myself that my self-esteem appears to be getting healthy enough that his manipulations didn’t make me skip a beat. I suppose I should feel proud of myself that I’m seeing red flags and recognizing that they are such. I suppose I should feel proud that my life is going well enough that this was only a blip!
But still, for a few days there I wanted to know…WHERE THE HELL DID THAT MAN GO THAT WAS SO WONDERFUL ON MY BIRTHDAY AND WHO REPLACED HIM WITH A CRAIGSLIST MORON!!!!
Vent and update over…you may resume your regularly scheduled lives...aren't you glad you asked? (She says with a snicker)
I guess the first thing I must ask is why men seem to think that sending a picture of the penis is inviting in any way to a woman.
Please ladies, let’s see a show of hands as to if any of you have pursued a relationship with someone based on a picture of their nether regions.
I don’t get it. I just don’t. Mr. CraigsList, who was my birthday delight, turned into a nutcase of Biblical proportions. He sent me a picture on the following Monday night of his nether regions. Only it wasn’t a rock hard, “come here baby I miss you” picture….it was an “I just got out of a cold pool” picture. The sucker was less than two inches.
One, I’d already told him that I chose him because he DIDN’T send me a picture like that when I was advertising for a dinner date. Did he forget that? Or maybe I should ask, "How does one forget something like that"?
When we talked a few days later, I expressed again how much I don’t appreciate that sort of stuff except it is way fun when my friends and I get together and drink while comparing the absurdity of even publishing something like that on the internet. I mean for goodness sake, this man is in his 60’s. I told him once again how those types of pictures always make me wonder how many other women have been sent that picture. I mean really!
His response…."What are you doing Wednesday night? I know your kids are gone so would you like to pick me up at the ferry and I can keep you warm in your bed?"
Alrighty let’s review…
Drive to ferry after my children leave – ½ hour
Drive back to my place – ½ hour
Chitchat as I show him around and then chitchat as we are putting our clothes back on – ½ hour
Drive back to the ferry to drop Mr. CraigsList off – ½ hour
Drive back home before my children get home – ½ hour.
That leaves us 15 minutes for sex. Yes ladies….15 whole minutes.
At this point in the conversation, I was already shouting in my pathetic little brain…NEXT!!!!!! But wanting to toy with the moron I decided to play the game. So I said, “How about if I come to your place this weekend and we can have all day”.
He launched into seven…yes, seven…different excuses as to why it would NEVER be good to meet at his place. Then he said the dreaded line that hits a nerve every time for me…We are mature adults…why can’t we just get together and play?
Since when is random sex a metrics by which we should be measuring our maturity level?
If I say no, does that imply that I am not a mature adult and that something is wrong with me?
If I say yes, will that cause me to be more valued as a mature person?
By the time I got off the phone, I was so disgusted with his attitude that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t willing to just lay down and “do it” because I might enjoy it…well, I politely hung up as he was saying…well call me when you have more time and I’ll get on the ferry right away.
Then it hit me…why is he so adamant about doing it at my house and isn’t interested at all in bringing me into his world?
I suppose I should feel proud of myself that my self-esteem appears to be getting healthy enough that his manipulations didn’t make me skip a beat. I suppose I should feel proud of myself that I’m seeing red flags and recognizing that they are such. I suppose I should feel proud that my life is going well enough that this was only a blip!
But still, for a few days there I wanted to know…WHERE THE HELL DID THAT MAN GO THAT WAS SO WONDERFUL ON MY BIRTHDAY AND WHO REPLACED HIM WITH A CRAIGSLIST MORON!!!!
Vent and update over…you may resume your regularly scheduled lives...aren't you glad you asked? (She says with a snicker)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Trifecta of Weird
I love my job. I have no idea why. I can't explain it. One of the men I work for is a flaming loud man who embarrasses me with great relish every chance he gets.
The other is the "silent partner" which means he has an opinion on everything and it is my job to listen to him and then wave him off in a way that doesn't piss him off.
#1 got quite hung up on my love life today and for whatever reason...ok I know the reason....I went to lunch with a man and apparently that is great fun to talk about....anyway, he started in at 9 am about my "date" and didn't let up until our meeting at 2:30, which I was late for because I was out to lunch. Ahem.
#2 started in right at the beginning of the day, like 10 minutes after #1 did. His computer was sending him weird messages and of course my explanation was because he has bad Karma all over him. Somehow the "computer gremlins" excuse isn't working anymore. Of course, he has zero computer skills and only uses it because it is the new millennium and he absolutely has to get on board with the rest of the civilized world.
So there I was bantering with #1 about my pathetic love life while #2 went on and on about how he was going to curse me if I didn't start making his computer work right. At the same time, I was trying to prepare for and then go on a lunch with a delightful man that may or may not have some kind of impact on my life in the future.
It was....THE TRIFECTA OF WEIRD....you know that few hours you hit every once in a while where your personal life and professional life intersect and the explosion is enough for you to want to down an anti-anxiety pill the size of Nebraska.
When I got back from lunch, I rushed into my meeting with #1 only to be told that I was late. Yeah, four minutes. He then immediately picked up the phone to call #2 and relay that I'd gotten back and no I hadn't take the rest of the day off to hang out in a motel with the new guy. Ahem....I've never hung out in a hotel with the old guy bozo.
So I share all this to prove my point that these over-forty men spent their day pondering my love life and if I should really be allowed to go to lunch, all the while coming up with interesting things to pop off with so that I would turn seven shades of red. The political correctness memo has not reached this employer yet.
I love my job. Mostly because I know that these two knuckle heads really like me and want me safe. But geesch, could they possibly learn a better way to show it...ok, I wouldn't want a NORMAL work place. Why would I when I don't have normal in any other part of my life!
The other is the "silent partner" which means he has an opinion on everything and it is my job to listen to him and then wave him off in a way that doesn't piss him off.
#1 got quite hung up on my love life today and for whatever reason...ok I know the reason....I went to lunch with a man and apparently that is great fun to talk about....anyway, he started in at 9 am about my "date" and didn't let up until our meeting at 2:30, which I was late for because I was out to lunch. Ahem.
#2 started in right at the beginning of the day, like 10 minutes after #1 did. His computer was sending him weird messages and of course my explanation was because he has bad Karma all over him. Somehow the "computer gremlins" excuse isn't working anymore. Of course, he has zero computer skills and only uses it because it is the new millennium and he absolutely has to get on board with the rest of the civilized world.
So there I was bantering with #1 about my pathetic love life while #2 went on and on about how he was going to curse me if I didn't start making his computer work right. At the same time, I was trying to prepare for and then go on a lunch with a delightful man that may or may not have some kind of impact on my life in the future.
It was....THE TRIFECTA OF WEIRD....you know that few hours you hit every once in a while where your personal life and professional life intersect and the explosion is enough for you to want to down an anti-anxiety pill the size of Nebraska.
When I got back from lunch, I rushed into my meeting with #1 only to be told that I was late. Yeah, four minutes. He then immediately picked up the phone to call #2 and relay that I'd gotten back and no I hadn't take the rest of the day off to hang out in a motel with the new guy. Ahem....I've never hung out in a hotel with the old guy bozo.
So I share all this to prove my point that these over-forty men spent their day pondering my love life and if I should really be allowed to go to lunch, all the while coming up with interesting things to pop off with so that I would turn seven shades of red. The political correctness memo has not reached this employer yet.
I love my job. Mostly because I know that these two knuckle heads really like me and want me safe. But geesch, could they possibly learn a better way to show it...ok, I wouldn't want a NORMAL work place. Why would I when I don't have normal in any other part of my life!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Spring Cleaning
The children and I had a spring cleaning day today. That deep cleaning where you are on your hands and knees scrubbing to the point that you are sore afterwards.
I think my forearms and wrists may just fall off tonight.
Still the house is clean. Not just clean, but magazine cover ready.
Quite the picture of my life. I've learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the last eighteen months than anyone should have to know about in a lifetime.
I let a man into my life and into the lives of my children who did more damage in fourteen months than most people do in a lifetime. Tack on the eighteen months that I've spent learning and healing and officially this nutcase moron has taken way too much of my life.
Funny how I've spent eighteen months deep cleaning my soul. Magazine ready...or at least ready for something new and beautiful to begin. I've learned everything I can and somehow it still hurts every now and then.
Not the hurt that I miss him, but the hurt that I didn't protect myself and trust my gut like I should have. I still don't understand how he was able to get past that. I still don't understand how I trusted to the point of making a conscience decision to be transparent with this man. A man who meant me nothing but harm. I still don't know why, after he brutalized my heart and spirit, I still sought explanations from him to the point where he was able to continue to hurt me for more than six months.
I hate that I did that to myself. Perhaps that is truly what all this cleaning is about. It's about forgiving the spills and dog prints. Forgeting about the mess and finally putting away all that needs to be put away.
The house is clean and smells fresh. My life is clean and it is truly beginning to smell fresh. I like that. It makes me smile. BLISS! What a great word.
I think my forearms and wrists may just fall off tonight.
Still the house is clean. Not just clean, but magazine cover ready.
Quite the picture of my life. I've learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the last eighteen months than anyone should have to know about in a lifetime.
I let a man into my life and into the lives of my children who did more damage in fourteen months than most people do in a lifetime. Tack on the eighteen months that I've spent learning and healing and officially this nutcase moron has taken way too much of my life.
Funny how I've spent eighteen months deep cleaning my soul. Magazine ready...or at least ready for something new and beautiful to begin. I've learned everything I can and somehow it still hurts every now and then.
Not the hurt that I miss him, but the hurt that I didn't protect myself and trust my gut like I should have. I still don't understand how he was able to get past that. I still don't understand how I trusted to the point of making a conscience decision to be transparent with this man. A man who meant me nothing but harm. I still don't know why, after he brutalized my heart and spirit, I still sought explanations from him to the point where he was able to continue to hurt me for more than six months.
I hate that I did that to myself. Perhaps that is truly what all this cleaning is about. It's about forgiving the spills and dog prints. Forgeting about the mess and finally putting away all that needs to be put away.
The house is clean and smells fresh. My life is clean and it is truly beginning to smell fresh. I like that. It makes me smile. BLISS! What a great word.
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