I'm Killing this Blog

Once upon a time, I needed this blog. Almost 300 posts now. It held all the pain of a emotional rape.

That experience no longer defines me. This blog has served it's purpose. I'm so grateful that I created it and that it has helped others.

I have mourned. It's a new season. It's time to capture the BLISS, hence the new blog being created elsewhere.

I feel excited and that makes me smile.

I won't be posting the address of the new blog because I would prefer that my emotional rapist not follow me there. He and his minions have been visiting this one a half a dozen times a day for the last few weeks. Silly really since he has been a part of my past for more than two years now. Regardless, he is taking up space in my brain again and I won't have that. Life is just too good these days.

If you care for me or just enjoy my blog, go ahead and comment. I'll be happy to send you the link via email.

Onto new beginnings.....

Weekend BLISS !!!!!!!

Children out the door (check)

Slippers on (check)

Movies picked out (check)

Animals fed (check)

Plans for cleaning, yoga, and sleep (check)

It will be BLISS!

This Is As Halloweenie As I Get....

I must bring to your attention....that pumpkin has a wedding ring on which makes me wonder just how glad she is that her husband is wearing that pumpkin head.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL!!!

Listen Up People

The anarchy is too much in this house! Here are the rules....

1. Children must coordinate throwing up at school so that management only has to go out in the rain ONCE rather than three times in less than two hours.

2. In addition, if you feel like you are going to throw up before school, please notify the management so that your trip to school can be preempted thus negating the need for rule 1.

3. When throwing up at home, try to aim for some receptacle, i.e. garbage can, toilet, ANYTHING. Really you are all over 10, you can do better.

4. Bickering is no longer allowed on any level. We all feel like crap. A little grace please.

5. If you are not sick, stop bragging to the other people in the house as management has the power to give extra chores to healthy people.

6. We have now implemented a moratorium on sharing of drinks, food, or hugs. No hugging, stop hugging, do not touch your siblings for any reason and for goodness sake, STOP TOUCHING ME.

7. When this crisis is over, you will ALL be doing something nice for me. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.

When they handed me each one of these bundles of joy in the hospital, I do not remember them coming with a warning about projectile vomiting in mass.

Returning to sweet nurturing mother mode..........NOW.

Teenagers are Great....REALLY

Our local high school football team has a program called "Sidekicks". I've never heard of it before and while it is a "fund raiser" because you pay for participation, I really had no idea how wonderful it is. I mean how good can something really be for only $30 for the whole season.

The players come to the various elementary schools and have lunch with their assigned sidekick. We get to go to the games and the twins even got to participate in a practice. The players will be throwing an end of the season pizza party for the Sidekicks next week.

I knew the players participated, but I had no idea how much they would buy into the Sidekicks. Both of my boys players, have called them weekly asking how school is going.

Last Tuesday, we went to the practice. I thought we'd just be watching....um....no....

After practice, the players were dismissed. The players assigned to my boys could have said "See Ya", but instead they chose to hang out and play catch....FOR TWO HOURS.

I am so impressed with these sixteen year old boys. A very special thank you to Joseph and Tyler. YOU GUYS ROCK!

Wow! Just Wow!! Super Wow!!!

I have a really simple philosophy in my parenting.

Let your children make as many of their own decisions as they can even when it is the "wrong" one because it teaches them about consequences. Help them clean up their messes, but don't do it for them. Raise them to treat people right. And when they launch, let them go. In the meantime, try not to kill the little boogers!

My son just came "home" from Iraq. That means he is in Germany...with his wife.

I've gotten several emails asking when he'll actually "be home", when I'll get to see him and hug him. (Probably not until March 2010 at the earliest.)

I always try to explain that it's ok, because he is home with his wife where he is supposed to be. He has launched. He is happy and safe in the arms of the woman he is suppose to hold above all else. She is my daughter now and I adore her too.

Now I don't want to make it sound like this came easy for me. He is my baby and as with all things, it has been a process to let him go.

The thing is, my two adult children, both boys, never cease to amaze me at the efforts they go to so that I never forget that I'm still in their hearts no matter where they are.

"Me and Sarah just wanted to say we love you!!!

Oh..and I picked up all the seasons of

Ghost Hunters for you.

We will be sending them to you soon.

I love you mom.

Your oldest son and his wife"

Flowers, candy, and Ghost Hunters! The kid knows me well!! I've said it a hundred times, but really need to say it again....I have the most loving, wonderful children in the world. The best!

Wishcasting Wednesday

So it's Wishcasting Wednesday over at Jamie Ridler Studios. The question this week is, "What Do You Wish to Say Yes To?"

GOOOOOOOD QUESTION!

I'd like to say "yes" to trust. Where I used to trust freely, the experiences of the last few years have made it almost impossible for me to trust anyone.

I have some beautiful friends online and in real life who have walked this path with me using patience and love. They have guided me and kindly redirected me as I've done the deep thinking work that I've needed to do for true healing.

I think at times, it has not been fun for any of us and yet they persevere in my healing as much as I do. Mutual support is a wonderful thing.

Still, I have become a homebody and it is beginning to be NOT who I am. Do I trust myself to see the Red Flags in those people that mean to do me harm? Do I trust others to be who they say they are?

I wish for a new level of trust in myself and a new level of trust in the world as a whole.

Maori - BLISS

I haven't done much with BLISS lately. Too much chaos and crap and I sometimes end up losing focus.

This weekend I saw video on YouTube about the New Zealand Maori HAKA. It's a battlefield dance of sorts that is meant to intimidate the opponent. They still use it at the beginning of sports games although I found videos of the Army, Navy, and a police station doing it.

Still, it made me wonder again why so many languages in the South Pacific don't have a word for BLISS. Yeah, my mind makes those leaps.

Ok, they live in an island paradise, I get that. I suppose they are "living" BLISS. Although, I doubt that even living in paradise is perfect all the time and that they never lose direction with their lives.

New Zealand is a thriving beautiful country. Have you seen Lord of the Rings?

The Maori have three words that kind of point to definition of BLISS. Maybe it's complicated in their language because BLISS is complicated.

tatau pounamu (noun) - enduring peace

taurakuri (adjective) - prosperous, at peace, undisturbed, free from distractions

waikanaetanga (noun) - tranquility, equilibrium

This is a people that traditionally greets by breaking all personal space barriors.

I was able to find picture after picture of them still doing it today. I don't know why I find this so interesting.

I pondered this all weekend. Why do some cultures, my own as an example, need to have so many words and concepts for BLISS and other cultures don't have any and it's really a stretch to even conceptualize it in their language.

Is it because of their connectedness to the land and each other that they don't need to have a word for BLISS?

I know that right now, I feel very disconnected. Not leaving the house because I have no need has made for a disconnect in my life. At the same time, I've found BLISS to be elusive at best and completely non-existent at times. What I was passionate about doesn't give me any at the moment. I don't like that.

Is their sense of culture and focus on the land what keeps them grounded so that there is no need for "formal" pursuit of BLISS?

I'm really not sure, but I do know this. I intend to start using this phrase with my children, "If you don't get it done, I'm going to go all HAKA over you".

Here's the video that started this thought process so you can check it out.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0W7YdKYPl0

Suddenly....All Is Well

A delicious Italian meal deliver to my home $25.00

A bottle of wine $10.00

Six hours of Jane Austen movies Priceless

Today's the Day...or was the day.

Last night, I ate fajitas until I thought I was going to burst. My 13yo daughter is such a good cook. I didn't open the bottle of wine because I forgot and instead of chocolate, I had three diet Popsicles. Hey they were diet.

So today is October 23....which means.....

sitting in front of me is a ticket to Rome.

I should be on a plane.

Right now.

Flying to Rome.

I told my daughter last night that it was time. Time for something good.....and lasting. She said, "Good luck with that".

The ticket is non-refundable and to change it would cost more than the ticket originally cost.

Kids are with their dad tonight.

I'm ordering in. Opening the wine. Burning the ticket. I also just bought the new Oprah magazine just because the biggest words on it said, "Who Are You Meant to Be?"

Yeah, that oughta work.

(Edited to say that I just found out it's the 16th, so I'm a week off. That happens when you don't really do anything all day. Still, I'm going to have my ticket burning tonight. Just feels right.)

Random Rants

I try not to rant much on my blog because quite frankly, I don't think anyone really wants to read them, but since I kicked the dog today and am generally in that "pithy, low self-esteem, unemployed" mood I thought I would throw it all out to the universe so that I don't have to carry it around.


As a reference, I track my blog traffic. I find it to be really fun to see where people come from, how they find my blog, what they read, and whatever other information the tracker wants to cough up.


So, here are some general rants that I have sloshing around in my head today.

"Dear Former Employer and Employees,

Since you didn't value anything I did for you as evidenced by the fact that you laid me off, it would seem redundant to be checking my blog on a daily basis or more. Last Friday, you people read my blog three different times. Truly, I'm not saying anything THAT interesting.

Stop it. You are looking ridiculous."


"Dear Nyles Huffman and Minions,

I'm not sure what is going on with you people lately. The relationship has been over more than two years and yet you people are causing a flurry of activity....again. I see when you google to find my blog. I see what cities the information comes from. I SEE YOU! So to all you people who are finding my blog by Googling Nyles' name....

Everett, Washington

Baltimore, Maryland

Reading, Pennsylvania

Northville, New York

Lynnwood, Washington

If you are the victim of his lies and manipulations, I'm sorry. Email me and I'll put you in contact with several other people who have come out of the fog that a relationship with him creates. There is healing to be had. If you are a believer that Nyles is the best thing ever, I'll wait to hear from you in a few more months."

"Dear Woman in the Car driving down my alley at 40 miles an hour,

My telling you to slow down and your yelling at me to lose weight are not really even close. At this point, I need every pound to protect me from your car in the event that you don't swerve in time.

And as my daughter pointed out, you need to lose way more weight than I do, but then again if you go around running over children in the alley I suppose, prison food being what it is, you are going to need the extra padding to survive on".

"Dear Crazy Woman in the Safeway,

Doing the stare down, yelling, crazy thing with my 10 year old child because you felt he was in your personal space was just.....well.....crazy. Get some therapy."

I still don't feel better, but my daughter is making Fajitas and I have a bottle of wine, perhaps some chocolate would help. Excuse me.

Must Have Been the Prayers

While I won't see my son until March at the earliest, I wanted to share that I just received word...

he is home from Iraq,

now in Germany,

safe in the arms of his beautiful wife.

I couldn't be more delighted.

My deepest thanks for all the prayers, candles and well wishes this past year.

Job Hunt - Weeks 5 & 6

Week 5

Resumes 9

Phone Calls 0

Interviews 0

Attitude: I made the mistake of reading a newspaper article about people that were moving off the unemployment rolls. Ironically, several of them had gone back to school, graduated, and still couldn't find a job. Several of them were single moms who once made 60k and were now applying for whatever they could. Their unemployment had come to an end and now they had no options. I couldn't help but be scared to death for a couple of days. Then my daughter reminded me that I always make it work. Nice that she has so much confidence in me, but geesch.

Week 6

Resumes 17

Phone Calls 0

Interviews 0

Attitude: I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I've been "doing lunch" with folks and exploring all kinds of possibilities for starting a business from home, but quite frankly, I don't want to do it in this economy. It's just too scary, on the other hand, I'm not getting any response to any resumes or anything else so I'm wondering what choice I have. It's almost as if I'm being driven in a direction, but I'm not quite sure which direction it is. So I'm waiting.....waiting.....and waiting to see what happens next.

I also have to factor in that SuperSam came to me with tears in his eyes this week wanting to know when I was going to start working at home. I told him that I thought it was better if I go back to work. He started to cry. He wants me home, they all do. Geesch, I hate that pressure.

My car is not back yet either. Should be done with a new engine and new transmission by the end of next week. When they removed the engine, the transmission was apparently rubbing which caused all the other problems. I knew that the transmission was having issues, I just didn't want to deal with it. On a positive note: the shop will only be charging me their cost for the transmission with no additional time or extra fees. For whatever reason, I've found favor with them. Still, this is going to take a huge chunk out of savings aka the money we are basically living on in addition to my unemployment. Sucks.

And the positive: Everyone is just so darn happy. The kids had a half day yesterday. We took the bus all over. It was so fun and quite a life lesson for them. Nothing like observing people who have made really poor life decisions to bring home the "stay in school/stay off drugs" message. Regardless, it was delightful and so much fun for all of us!

Persevering onward!

Starbucks - Prime Dating Location

Ok, I'm dating....over forty....stop laughing.....

I am truly positive that Starbucks was created to be the place to meet...think about it...Internet dating on caffeine. Not pretty...at all...especially for someone who doesn't drink coffee. I know. My apologies to all you addicted personality types.

So because I have no life right now and I mean really no life....I'm going to share some of my latest forays into the dating after 40 world.

Let me introduce you to....

Truck Driver Man

We chatted on the phone. I have my doubts. (Ok, I always have my doubts when internet dating).

Over our last phone call, he says, call me when you can leave for Starbucks and I'll come right away. Nothing like planning. Hello, it sends a message that you don't want sent if you are unwilling to plan to meet someone.

Now keeping in mind that my ad CLEARLY states that I'm not looking for friends with benefits (a stupid term if ever there was one) or just a one night stand (a stupid experience if ever there was one).

Please don't flood my comments section with lengthy reasons why both methods are fulfilling. I won't agree with you and well....it's my blog.

So I call him. He says, "Well, I'm napping, but I guess I'll come now". It was 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon. Hello?

He was a half an hour late. Strike three....you're out!

As we sat down to talk, I realized the guy was in sweatpants and had not shaved and I'm not even sure he had showered in the last....oh....decade? I immediately began looking for the exit.

Which reminds me, why in all the "how to date over 40" manuals, do they never tell you how to extricate from horrible dating moments? I need a class. My mother taught me never to be rude or hurt someone's feelings. Damn her. The result is I get into these insane situations and can't get out.

An hour later....he says, "Let's do this again sometime". My thought was, "Thank you Sweet Jesus and no, NEVER AGAIN".

I go home, crank up the computer and lo and behold the post Starbucks email has arrived....asking me when I'd like to schedule time for sex. Ahem....cough...cough....gag.

I emailed back a flaming, "No thank you". He fired back a nasty...you are the one who chose to look so sexy for coffee. I was in jeans and a tee-shirt. Must have been the fact that I showered and my hair was clean.

I never responded. He crawled back under his rock.

Is there a way to ask a new acquaintance that you haven't even met yet how often they shower and if they will be shaving prior to coffee? I mean, if this guy had approached me in the grocery store I would have called the cops.

Hey now, maybe I could have gotten the cute LT to show. You can read about that one here... Alarm_Systems_and_Dreamy_Cops .

How Do You Know When It's Colder?

You start finding

"Pile O' Cats"

It's Starting...The Last 30 Days

It is said that more soldiers die in the last 30 days of deployment than at any other time.

They are tired.

They miss home.

They are distracted.

My precious son......

who has an incredible sense of humor...

My precious son...

who loves his wife with all his heart....

My precious son...

who loves his dog....

My precious son...

who does the right thing even when it is hard...

My precious son...
is about to enter his last 30 days of deployment.

Please pray.....for my precious son.

Full Moon Dream Board - October

Ok, this is my first one and I'm never quite sure what I'm doing on the first one of anything. It's a celebration of the harvest season. It's a calling in of dreams and wishes.

When I sat down to do it, I just started to throw things together. Apparently, my wish for myself is to build deeper and lasting friendships. I have spent so much time raising children and working on a career that my friendship relationships have never been deep. I want more now.

So during this harvest moon....this celebration of the full moon....that's where my thoughts have gone.

Find out more at Jamie_Ridler_Studios .

What Will You Do For Love?

This isn't original. In fact it is a response from a man who had a relationship with a narcissist. The question posed was "What Will You Do For Love".

One of the hardest things about recovery from a narcissistic relationship is being able to love and trust again. Every thing said is questioned because when the narcissist was spouting "I love you's", "I want a life with you", and "We will be together because I can't live without you's", one tends to believe them. I mean, it was always the tears in his eyes as he professed his love that convinced me. How do we not believe what is so truthfully coming from our own hearts at that very moment?

So as recovery goes on, one of the hurtles is knowing and learning and being willing to be open again....to trust again. Knowing what real love is because, quite frankly, what we have encountered had absolutely nothing to do with love at all.

Tonight, I was cleaning out my email. I found this saved. It means so much more to me now than it did two years ago when I saved it. It embodies the heart of an NPD survivor. It shares the struggle. I'm sharing it here because I think that some of you need to hear it....to know that you are not alone.

What will you do for love?

I am still in the process of defining what I will do for love, as I am only a year no contact and re-evaluating not only what I will do for love, but the very definition of love. It has been a long process of evolutionary growth that has involved a lot of introspection and reconciling the past with what will soon be the future.

I do however know what I will not do for "love".

I will not let another person take what I thought was intimacy and commitment and turn it into a mockery by sharing herself with someone else after proclaiming things like "you are a man so far beyond anything I could ever deserve" and "you are the only man I have ever loved, dreamed of and wanted". I have come to the conclusion that at that point, a woman should not be having sex with other men.

I will not put my body at risk by being with a person like that, that could possibly catch a disease and introduce it to me.

I won't "compete" with every loser source of narcissistic supply she locks onto on a whim and subject myself to the endless triangulation that ultimately occurs.

I will not compromise MY dreams, goals, and values to another person that is an empty shell, and lacks the fundamental ability to even value anything, let alone another person. Life is too short and my dreams, goals, and values too important to sacrifice to a parasite that would jeopardise them.

I will not tolerate lies, manipulation, and endless deception. Not one minute of my life is worth having to deal with that nonsense - ever.

I won't hold onto someone that has no purpose in life other than to feed off other people (for attention, money, acknowledgement) and use them without mercy.

I will not sacrifice my values to a person that twists reality, distorts the truth, and lacks any character.

I won't waste another single day on any of that craziness and will run as fast as I can in the opposite direction when I encounter it.

Love is a powerful force when it is experienced and shared with a healthy person that respects you, shares your values, and treats you like a human being.

Love has existed as a defining emotion in the history of mankind, dating back to the beginning of time and is a driving force in almost all of a normal human being's actions. And not just passionate, romantic love, but love for family, children, and all that goes along with it - empathy and compassion. It is why we are all here, continuing to wake up every morning, and continuing on in the battle called life.

In a world where man is capable of so many atrocities, love is the only thing that has held mankind together over the course of countless centuries. And that is why we must all pursue healing.

I'd like to add....

It is said that narcissists make up 1% of the entire population. While this personality disorder is heartbreaking at its core, narcissists know what they are doing and choose to do the most damage possible because it makes them feel powerful and in control.

Narcissists feed off of normal loving people. It takes a long time for the relationship to run its course....before the victim realizes there is no hope and they are giving the core of themselves to a personality type that is hell bent on sucking the life out of everyone around them. It is hard to love once you realize that you were just a thing to be used and discarded.

Still, love is such a powerful thing. I, for one, intend to pursue it. I intend to spend my life loving at every opportunity because there is just not enough of it in the world.

Truth...Ug.

The second chapter....more than I can handle. The first chapter of our book club was to do nothing. To calm the chatter in our minds and just do nothing. I can do that. It's easy.

Second chapter was about Truth. The asking of questions and focusing. To do it every day so that our thoughts become clear.

I read the chapter three nights in a row. I never could answer the questions. There is too much in my life going wrong right now. My focus is on staying positive and if I must face the truth, is there a chance that I am being delusional? Will my tenuous facade crumble?

This chapter was a tough one. I'm not sure I'm ready to move on to Chapter 3. I don't think I've completed Chapter 2.

I must ponder this a bit more.

As always, you are more than welcome to join us on this road to Joy..... Jamie_Ridler_Studios