Mirroring & the Narcissist

One of the worst things about a relationship with the narcissist is that in the beginning, it is just so good. Then, on a moment’s notice when you least expect it, you will find that you all of a sudden aren’t measuring up. The criticisms just begin and don’t seem to stop. One moment he is telling you that you are the best thing that ever happened to him; the best sex, the dream come true, the one.

The next, you are being told how you need to change this or that. The eye rolling and sighing begins. It just becomes more and more brutal in very subtle ways. A systematic destruction of your self-confidence because all you want to do is please this person and make him happy.

The rest of the relationship becomes a constant battle to twist you into a pretzel trying to please this person who is perpetually unhappy and will never, ever, ever be content.

Narcissists are eternally dissatisfied.

How can you ever hope to please someone that is always going to be unhappy?

You could meet their expectations, but the weird thing about narcissists is that their expectations are ever changing.

An example is that I wanted to live in the country on a lake. I’ve always wanted that. The last narcissist would tell me that he would never live anywhere except in a condo in the city because his wife had always made him live in a house in the suburbs and he was going to spend the rest of his life living where he wanted.

Because I loved him, I was willing to give up my dream. Every time I brought it up, he shot it down in a very condescending way.

When I met the woman who posted the CraigsList_Ad , she said, “What happened to our dream together of living in the country on a lake? He wanted to live in the country on a lake so bad”.

And that my friend is mirroring, they take whatever they can from your personality…your dreams, your mannerisms, your “style” and make it their own.

It happens very quickly and you fall in love with someone who is showing you a picture of yourself. They then take the best that was you and use it to pretend a life with someone else.

A narcissist is empty. They are shells because they are so insecure they stuff down who they really are. They can’t take criticism of any kind, so it is a lifetime of hiding their real self and mirroring others.

Now here is the beauty of recovery from an NPD relationship!

All that you loved about that person, those parts that brought your heart joy, those moments that were tender…..those were not real with the narcissist. He was mirroring you. He had picked up the very best of you and was mirroring it back to you.

BUT, when you fell in love with the very best of him, you were…in reality…falling in love with you.

Narcissists do not have the ability to be intimate or loving. It is all an act. When you saw him being that way, he was mirroring.

I have learned that I am a beautiful, loving person. No one can take that from me. What I can do is learn the red flags I need to learn to keep narcissistic personalities far from me. What I can learn from this is that I am an incredible person able to love and be intimate and share my life in a fabulous way.

You can too. I promise.