Starbucks - Prime Dating Location

Ok, I'm dating....over forty....stop laughing.....

I am truly positive that Starbucks was created to be the place to meet...think about it...Internet dating on caffeine. Not pretty...at all...especially for someone who doesn't drink coffee. I know. My apologies to all you addicted personality types.

So because I have no life right now and I mean really no life....I'm going to share some of my latest forays into the dating after 40 world.

Let me introduce you to....

Truck Driver Man

We chatted on the phone. I have my doubts. (Ok, I always have my doubts when internet dating).

Over our last phone call, he says, call me when you can leave for Starbucks and I'll come right away. Nothing like planning. Hello, it sends a message that you don't want sent if you are unwilling to plan to meet someone.

Now keeping in mind that my ad CLEARLY states that I'm not looking for friends with benefits (a stupid term if ever there was one) or just a one night stand (a stupid experience if ever there was one).

Please don't flood my comments section with lengthy reasons why both methods are fulfilling. I won't agree with you and well....it's my blog.

So I call him. He says, "Well, I'm napping, but I guess I'll come now". It was 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon. Hello?

He was a half an hour late. Strike three....you're out!

As we sat down to talk, I realized the guy was in sweatpants and had not shaved and I'm not even sure he had showered in the last....oh....decade? I immediately began looking for the exit.

Which reminds me, why in all the "how to date over 40" manuals, do they never tell you how to extricate from horrible dating moments? I need a class. My mother taught me never to be rude or hurt someone's feelings. Damn her. The result is I get into these insane situations and can't get out.

An hour later....he says, "Let's do this again sometime". My thought was, "Thank you Sweet Jesus and no, NEVER AGAIN".

I go home, crank up the computer and lo and behold the post Starbucks email has arrived....asking me when I'd like to schedule time for sex. Ahem....cough...cough....gag.

I emailed back a flaming, "No thank you". He fired back a nasty...you are the one who chose to look so sexy for coffee. I was in jeans and a tee-shirt. Must have been the fact that I showered and my hair was clean.

I never responded. He crawled back under his rock.

Is there a way to ask a new acquaintance that you haven't even met yet how often they shower and if they will be shaving prior to coffee? I mean, if this guy had approached me in the grocery store I would have called the cops.

Hey now, maybe I could have gotten the cute LT to show. You can read about that one here... Alarm_Systems_and_Dreamy_Cops .

Excuse Me! I Find Your Box Offensive!

So I spent a lovely day with friends. It was fun and relaxing and just a joy.

On the way home I decided to stop at the bookstore, I'm absolutely positive that my perfect heaven will have a bookstore in it because I can go there and spend hours doing absolutely nothing. If I'm there long enough, I'll find something that I must have. Not a good habit for an unemployed single mom, but there I was nonetheless.

As I waited in the quarter mile long line to buy my cds and book, I watched the dynamic of the "families" around me. Observing human behavior has always been a love of mine and poking at someones paradigm is one of my all time favorite sports.

The 20-something man in front of me was with his mother. She was a frumpy, smelly, loud woman that made me embarrassed for him. He was waiting in line to make his purchases and she kept walking up and giving him things that she was going to buy.

She was obviously of the Christian persuasion because she made mention of the sermon that morning and she was bringing him religious books to hold.

When we got up to the front of the line, the cashier, who was absolutely undoubtedly pagan in every sense of the word, rung up all the books together.

This caused mother dear to go into a loud frenzy because she wanted to pay separately. Her son reminded her that she was now cutting in line if he didn't just pay for everything at one time.

She went off. I'm pretty sure God was quite embarrassed although I don't honestly believe that God gets embarrassed. Anyhoo, I was horribly embarrassed for the son.

Her son asked her why she was buying another Bible. She said quite loudly, "I've worn my other one out".

At that point, as we waited for the manager to come and cancel the whole mess so Pagan Princess could start again, this woman turned on me.

Ok, I do not have a poker face. I never had the ability to hide my feelings and I have gotten to the point in life that I don't even try. I was disgusted with this woman. Not because of her faith, but because she seemed to be using her faith as a weapon and I'm never comfortable with that.

She said to me, "Are you saved?"

"Saved from what? Apparently, I wasn't able to save myself from this line".

"You need Jesus Christ in your life".

I said, "How would you know that? Can you see my heart? Do you have a Divine knowledge of where I'm at in spirituality or are you just being rude without purpose? You aren't going to hit me with your new Bible are you?"

Ahem.....dead silence.

She stomped out. Everyone within earshot laughing.

My turn at the register, Pagan Princess made the judgemental comment that Christians can be so rude. She asked me if I was a witch.

"Do I look like a witch? What do witches look like and just for the record, not all pagans are witches".

"I'm a witch and I worship the Mother Earth".

"Really? Are you sure because if you were in a burning building and had no way out, if flames where licking at your skin and you were facing death, I can guarantee that you would not be crying out for Mother Earth to save you. I can guarantee that you would be crying out for God the Father to bless you with a miracle".

"I thought you weren't a Christian".

Then, of course the man behind me started to get involved. I was making a scene and anyone asking a question that smacked of any kind of judgement was probably going to get run over at this point. The man behind me was really enjoying the show.

He then said, "For the sake of argument, what religion are you?"

I launched.....

"I'm born to a Jewish father and Southern Baptist mother. I have a Bible college degree. I'm buying Buddhist Monk chant cds because I've joined a new age book group that is studying about joy and the first thing I have to learn this week is how to quiet my mind and meditate.

I'll go home tonight and light candles because quite frankly incense makes me gag. After putting my new cd in, the first thing I'll do is praise God and his Son for every single blessing in my life because I know it comes straight from his hand. Then I'll make peace with myself and my world tonight.

I may work on my dream board because the full moon is rapidly approaching and I feel a need to focus on what is missing from my life. Still, I'll sleep like a baby because I know who I am and what I believe and I'm not afraid to push back on uncomfortable judgements. If you can figure out what box to put all that in, I'll gladly listen to your thoughts".

He started to laugh, then he followed me out the door. "If you'll give me your phone number, I'll be happy to take you for a cup of coffee and share my thoughts".

Too funny. And yes, I gave him my phone number. Any man who spends Sunday afternoon in a bookstore, hears me rant and is still interested...well, he deserves a cup of coffee.

Normal?

I went out to dinner with someone tonight. Someone NORMAL. And yes, I put him under the microscope, I've been with disordered people....it's what I do.

He is so NORMAL. Did I say that?

I actually put an ad on CraigsList. I do that periodically because I'm bored and have a ridiculous need to observe human nature. Of course it gives me tons of blogging material too.

Did I tell you he was NORMAL?

Now I usually am looking for an exit strategy 4.2 seconds after any date begins, often asking myself why the heck I'm doing this when I can be home cuddling children and my dog.

Still, I get bored, in goes the ad and then next thing I know I'm on a series of dates with completely weird people validating the fact that I will be single FOREVER.

NORMAL....this man was NORMAL!

So dinner.....three hours. We laughed. Talked about things best left to the third or fourth date (kids and ex's) and just generally had a good time. A great time.

He asked me about my writing. I told him about my book. Articles I've written. Even my blog.

He said, "Let me get this straight. You write a blog about narcissism.".

Me: "Yes, recovery from narcissistic abuse is the hardest thing to get over. I write so that I can get it all out and perhaps help someone else".

Him: "A blog about your experience with narcissism".

Me: "Yes, yes it is, yes I do".

Huge pause....I could tell that we were both coming to the same conclusion. Ahem....a blog about my experience with narcissism is a tad narcissistic.

I laughed and said, "It may be the only place on earth that it's all about me".

At the end of the evening, I said, "Shall we do something like this again?"

Him: "Yes, I'd like that. I gotta think of something social for us to do so you'll open up".

Me: "Open up?"

Him: "Sometimes you are evasive when you answer questions, you are scared, rightfully so. You just need to get to a place where you realize I'm no threat".

Oh boy, someone who may get it.

As he walked me to my car, he said, "I'll call you".

I drove out of the parking lot. Cranked my music and sang all the way home. When I got home, there was a message on my cell phone, apparently the music was exceptionally loud.

"Hi, just wanted to thank you for the great company. I had a lot of fun and would like to do it again. I know I'm calling fifteen minutes after we parted, but I didn't want you to spend one minute wondering if I was actually going to call you. Let's do something again and you are going to have to help me come up with something. Give me a call". (My paraphrase)

I waited a bit, mostly because I needed to put my mommy hat on. I called. We chatted for a few minutes.

He's just so NORMAL.

Of course, I'm up at 3:30 am blogging about it. Perhaps, I'm not so NORMAL. Too funny.

Love in the New Millennium

So I'm at this big local festival with the twins Friday night. Hometown stuff is always the best. They had hot air balloons on display and children could get in them and go up about four feet.

Lots of fun!

The twins played forever with two little girls there with their dad. The dad and I chatted away about all sorts of drivel that made no sense and had absolutely no continuity at all.

After about a half an hour, we wandered to the rides and as the children had a blast, the dad and I continued to chat.

We moved on to the games where the dad won his kids each something and then proceeded to win mine something as well.

He finally said, "Well would you like to go for coffee or something sometime?"

But since I had failed to bring my politically correct mind and didn't engage my filter at the right moment, I said....

"Look, you seem like a nice guy. But I'm an overweight, divorced, mother of five. Ok, so one is out of the house and married, but that still leaves four children at home, one of which is in college so that means I have no money, ever. Add to that my job which takes up about 50 to 60 hours a week and I really wouldn't have any time to make all your dreams come true. My house is a mess and I don't have any time to clean it. I often feel like I have accomplished something if I'm able to get my garbage to the curb on the appropriate day. And just so you know what you are asking for, my last relationship was in essence an emotional rape that two years later I am still processing. I haven't really had sex in ages and am not sure I would know what to do if it presented itself. Oh, and some of my best friends in mass just today told me that I have a poor self-esteem and should probably lay off finding a man for awhile.

So...do you still want my number?"

He looked like a deer in headlights. After a long pause he said....

"Well you hide it well and if you must know, I also work between 50 and 60 hours a week at a job that I hate. As for dreams, I think my wife will be getting them in the divorce. Further, my soon to be ex-wife said that I'm boring as hell, but I do manage to get the garbage out to curb every week. I won't ever have any money because I'm paying her money now and I'm sure she is going to be effective at getting an unreasonable child support payment. My house is relatively clean because I'm never there and the kids don't ever spend the night. As for my last relationship, well, it wasn't really a relationship if there are three involved right...so I'm not sure if I can even qualify it as a relationship. As for sex, I don't know if my parts still work, that's how long it's been. As for self-esteem, I'm an eviscerated man who has been told by his wife that after 15 years I was nothing but a disappointment.

How about you take my number and when you are ready we can go for coffee."

Love in the new millennium. Cough. Cough. Gag.

Minty Fresh

This story may be considered "R" rated by some....ok, probably not, but you have been warned....

The following is a true story as told to me by "she who shall remain anonymous", so for the purpose of this blog, their names have been changed to protect the sexually dysfunctional.

So my good friend and her husband were home alone last weekend. They have four children so they don't often have the house to themselves, and when they do, they take full advantage. Meaning...they strip off the clothes, run naked through the house and don't come up for air till one of the offspring return.

From this point the story is going to have to get kind of graphic so bear with me, I'll try to be as delicate as I can!

OK so there they are having a good old time, and he has "taken a trip to Florida", which is code for going south....you get my drift, and....well she is completely enjoying his tour of this promise land!!

Naturally, that particular part of their evening progresses to the main event, and afterwards, he falls asleep on top of her. Typical, right?

So being the good wife that she is, she lets him lay there sleeping until she can no longer breathe. In the meantime, she starts noticing this burning like pain coming from Florida.

She tries wiggling around under him to pinpoint the location of the burn/pain and all she can determine is that it is external and down very low, but not internal. This has her stumped.

Eventually it really starts bothering her, so she wakes him up, and as he gets off of her, he raises up and sits back on his knees, right?

They both happen to look down...and there is this string of white stuff leading from his johnson to her va-jay-jay! As she described it to me, it wasn't just like a filmy white stuff, it was a solid white string of something!

She's looking at him, he's looking at her, and they are both wondering just what exactly the other one has, how they got it, and is there a medication for it?

She's like "Dude, it's coming out of you!" and he says "No, it's coming out of YOU!".

So he proceeds to pull on the string of white stuff.

And pull.

And pull.

Now just so you have the FULL picture...him sitting on his knees, pulling this string of some unknown but kind of frightening substance that is connecting his private parts to his wife's, and he's pulling it in a hand over hand method like he's reeling in a boat or something!

And he keeps pulling.

And pulling.

Ane pulling.

And suddenly they both realize at the exact same moment.

Wait for it

It is his.....

gum.

Yes, you read that right, gum.

Evidently when he was down there pleasuring his wife, he forgot he had gum in his mouth, and at some point that he doesn't recall, it fell out...and then as they were going at it, he was basically grinding it into her skin/hair in that area waaaay down below!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So to make this story even funnier, once they stopped laughing (and believe me, she says they were crying from laughter), the poor girl realizes she's got gum stuck in those tiny little hairs at the base of her va-jay-jay and that's what was burning/hurting...every time she moved it pulled at them and it was like getting a bikini wax or something.

Cut to the next scene.

They are now on the bed putting ice on the gum, trying to harden it to pull it off of her and not rip her skin off!

That didn't work, so they tried peanut butter, and every other remedy you've heard of to remove gum, and he's like "Just shave it off" and she said "It's skin! The gum is stuck in invisible little hairs, there is nothing to shave!!!!"

Eventually, they got it removed but could not go to sleep because they kept giggling about how this could have happened, and the looks on their faces when they both thought the other one had some God awful disease!

As she relayed this story to me, and after I picked myself up off the floor and was able to contain myself enough to ask questions, I was like "Did he get down there and realize he had gum in his mouth, and park it on your inner thigh for later, or what??"

She said what's worse is that he said as he finished up down there, and before he climbed on top of her, he noticed some unusual white stuff in the area, but didn't have his glasses on and thought he'd just done such a good job she was frothing!

OMG...LOL...I just burst out laughing as I typed that!!!!! Frothing???? Could you please be kind enough to comment on my blog if you have had a sexual experience where you frothed? Did you know there was such a thing? I want to find a man who makes me FROTH!

Anyhoo, she says she is now Dentyne fresh in that area.

As I told her, his new claim to fame is that he can go down on his wife and come up with the freshest breath in town.

I suggested she could write those people who make those "clean mouth" commercials where the person is really dirty but they have a clean mouth, I'm thinking a commercial like that could increase their sales quite a bit. I think of these things being the business woman that I am.

She may never top me with the dysfunctional stories, but I think she is now head of the hilarious sex department.

Ah yeah, good times

Rejection SUCKS

So I'm pondering this dating crap again.

I met someone. Really enjoyed the heck out of him. Was letting him drive the relationship wherever and reality is that it hadn't even gotten off the ground yet. Still I was enjoying him.

We had friended each other on Facebook.

It was a simple, easy relationship. Pleasant....until....

He de-friended me on Facebook.

No explanation at all. This person who just turned 50 (what is it about men turning 50 and losing their minds)....anyway....this person who just turned 50, just up and deleted me.

It's so funny I have to laugh.

And yet, it felt like rejection. Stupid because in my mind, I don't see where it was even going anywhere.

Still it was rejection and I am tired of being rejected even when it should be no big deal.

Tonight, I face the pain once again that I may be so damaged that I may never let anyone near me again. When I do open up, I tend to get run over.

I also met a second man. Seemed nice enough, but not really as nice as the first man I was exploring possibilities with.

He, unfortunately, is ready to go. Why am I rejecting him, he is only willing to see me on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays which SCREAMS married man to me. I'm not even willing to take the chance. If he can't see me on Saturday and Sunday, I'm just not even willing to go there.

When I expressed that, he just said something about boundaries and how he'd call me later this week. Ahem....no thank you.

The third man who expressed an interest in me rejected me because he felt that I wouldn't be understanding of his disability. Ok, thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt and at least a cup of coffee. Oh, that's right....I GOT NEITHER because you assumed I wasn't open.

Rejection is a brutal thing that must be approached in a way that doesn't damage self-esteem. My problem is that I've been rejected so many times over the last few years, I'm not sure I even know where my self-esteem begins because of the damage that has been done.

Narcissism is a pervasive part of my life now. I am watching for it constantly. I am seeing it everywhere. Looking back over my life, I now see that I have been impacted by it since the day I was born.

I keep hearing and being told that if I keep moving forward, I will heal and go on to a healthy relationship. I'm not sure that I believe that.....especially when I feel so much rejection.

As much as I would like to say, "It doesn't bother me when things don't work out, it just wasn't meant to be", it ain't gonna happen. I'm tired of being rejected. I want answers as to what is wrong with me that men find it so easy to reject me.

JJ and I talked today about strong women and how it so often feels like a "bad thing" to be so strong; how men are intimidated or how strong women don't fall all over themselves to get a man and so we aren't needy enough.

I would really like to find a strong, single man who is capable of a calm, loving relationship. I just hope that when he magically appears, I won't be so jaded that I don't give a rip.

Rejection SUCKS.

From My Beautiful Friend Sarah.....THANKS!

Written to me when I needed a friend....posted with her permission.....

You haven't found a great guy yet because there are so few of them out there. And yeah, I know that sucks.... but maybe think of it this way:

You're a beautiful bird.

He's a slug.

There are 1,000,000 slugs to every bird (for the sake of a number)

If you keep looking at the ground and think"all those slugs""they all have other slugs"

"but I don't have another bird"

"why is that OK? why do slugs have one another and I don't have another bird?"

If you were willing to settle for a slug, you'd have 999,999 to choose from.

But you're not.

You're waitin' on your bird.

And he comes when he comes, because he's probably busy building his nest and puttin' all sortsa nifty stuff around it to entice you when he comes flyin' over to find you.

Or, he's married to a slug and doesn't yet have the balls to squish her and get it over with.

Or he's not yet ready for you.

But there are so FEW of them out there..

In reference to the ex...."why does he get what he wants", well, YOU could have it too if you were willing to settle for a slug!

(credit for the drawing goes to http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/broken-heart-cheryl-shibley.jpg )

Man Stupid Alert

Met a guy online from North Carolina. We emailed back and forth several times and then chatted on the phone a couple of times. Delightfully entertaining. Fun really, but I've come to know that man-stupid abounds and the only thing to evaluate is if it is terminal man-stupid or just something that will be annoying.

Mr North Carolina....helpful dating hints from Hanna.....

1. Don't send your MySpace out without warning. A 56 year old man with a MySpace is just WRONG.

2. When sending your MySpace out, be sure it doesn't say "in a relationship" or "I have a good heart and need a good woman to bring it out, I'm so glad that she is finally here" and then try to tell someone, i.e. ME, that it's old news and you aren't in that relationship anymore.

3. When sending your MySpace out, it is really unattractive to see 43 women as friends none of them being over the age of 30....for crying out loud....you are 56!

4. When asking me via email on Wednesday why I didn't answer your call Saturday night and expounding on why you were lonely and didn't have a date....it might behoove you to check your friken notes.

We spoke for 30 minutes on Saturday night. You got off the phone by ending the call telling me that you were hungry and tired and it was a good thing that you didn't have plans that night. I thought it was really quite rude, but well, I chalked it up to man-stupid.

On the other hand, knowing that a 56 year old man is trying his hardest to manipulate women and he doesn't have the brain power to keep them straight....well that's just funny no matter who you are.

Life has sucked for me the last couple of weeks, but your behavior has been fun to watch and very entertaining. Thanks so much.

Off you go now.....a real woman just doesn't want to be bothered with such men....and I use the term men very, very loosely. Too funny.

Drama

Why do people pursue drama in their relationships? I hear people say all the time, I don't want to be with anyone that brings drama into my life, but then they turn around and bring so much drama into their own life.

I got caught up in someone else's drama. A man who had given me a big demonstrative speech about how he didn't want drama in his life....he wouldn't stand for it.

If I had known what I was dealing with, I would have never "gone there", but I didn't and...well...here I am again, dealing with the fall out.

I've cried again today. I've been angry. I have a headache. All because someone else decided that drama was a cool thing to create in my life.

Someone shared the following on a site that I frequent...

If this crap head of a man doesn't move earth, the sun and the moon to be with you, then f**k him because YOU are that valuable. Any man who expects to be a part of your life should make your life not only happier but EASIER. It should be part of his desires to make you happy and I don't mean in the high drama, rollercoaster way, I mean happy, content in your own skin. This by the way, applies to ALL of us. Repeat this over and over: "My one requirement in my relationship with a man is that his presence makes my life EASIER as well as HAPPIER." You, in return, give the gift of YOU to him. You exude love and compassion and this is a gift in and of itself to those around you.

Ok, I get that. Boy do I get that. But is there a man on the planet that gets it? I mean there must be!

I've done almost two years of working on myself. I've been so introspective, I do believe I've turned myself inside out. Geesch, my baggage now resides in a makeup sized carry on already. I have taken the time to figure out what I want and what I can offer.

I'm ready for a nice, normal, drama free relationship with a man who is.....NORMAL.

So I'm screaming it out to God, the Cosmos, Karma, and anything else out there....I'm ready. Bring it already will ya!

Birthday Insanity Revisited

So I've had three people ask me for a follow up to the Birthday Insanity man Mr. CraigsList. I usually don't take requests for anything....Well....here’s an update….oh and for the record this is probably an "R" rated blog moment....

I guess the first thing I must ask is why men seem to think that sending a picture of the penis is inviting in any way to a woman.

Please ladies, let’s see a show of hands as to if any of you have pursued a relationship with someone based on a picture of their nether regions.

I don’t get it. I just don’t. Mr. CraigsList, who was my birthday delight, turned into a nutcase of Biblical proportions. He sent me a picture on the following Monday night of his nether regions. Only it wasn’t a rock hard, “come here baby I miss you” picture….it was an “I just got out of a cold pool” picture. The sucker was less than two inches.

One, I’d already told him that I chose him because he DIDN’T send me a picture like that when I was advertising for a dinner date. Did he forget that? Or maybe I should ask, "How does one forget something like that"?

When we talked a few days later, I expressed again how much I don’t appreciate that sort of stuff except it is way fun when my friends and I get together and drink while comparing the absurdity of even publishing something like that on the internet. I mean for goodness sake, this man is in his 60’s. I told him once again how those types of pictures always make me wonder how many other women have been sent that picture. I mean really!

His response…."What are you doing Wednesday night? I know your kids are gone so would you like to pick me up at the ferry and I can keep you warm in your bed?"

Alrighty let’s review…

Drive to ferry after my children leave – ½ hour

Drive back to my place – ½ hour

Chitchat as I show him around and then chitchat as we are putting our clothes back on – ½ hour

Drive back to the ferry to drop Mr. CraigsList off – ½ hour

Drive back home before my children get home – ½ hour.

That leaves us 15 minutes for sex. Yes ladies….15 whole minutes.

At this point in the conversation, I was already shouting in my pathetic little brain…NEXT!!!!!! But wanting to toy with the moron I decided to play the game. So I said, “How about if I come to your place this weekend and we can have all day”.

He launched into seven…yes, seven…different excuses as to why it would NEVER be good to meet at his place. Then he said the dreaded line that hits a nerve every time for me…We are mature adults…why can’t we just get together and play?

Since when is random sex a metrics by which we should be measuring our maturity level?

If I say no, does that imply that I am not a mature adult and that something is wrong with me?

If I say yes, will that cause me to be more valued as a mature person?

By the time I got off the phone, I was so disgusted with his attitude that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t willing to just lay down and “do it” because I might enjoy it…well, I politely hung up as he was saying…well call me when you have more time and I’ll get on the ferry right away.

Then it hit me…why is he so adamant about doing it at my house and isn’t interested at all in bringing me into his world?

I suppose I should feel proud of myself that my self-esteem appears to be getting healthy enough that his manipulations didn’t make me skip a beat. I suppose I should feel proud of myself that I’m seeing red flags and recognizing that they are such. I suppose I should feel proud that my life is going well enough that this was only a blip!

But still, for a few days there I wanted to know…WHERE THE HELL DID THAT MAN GO THAT WAS SO WONDERFUL ON MY BIRTHDAY AND WHO REPLACED HIM WITH A CRAIGSLIST MORON!!!!

Vent and update over…you may resume your regularly scheduled lives...aren't you glad you asked? (She says with a snicker)

Living My Story

So I take myself out to dinner tonight. My favorite little Jazz place. I look around at the snuggling couples, no biggie. Stick my nose in my magazine. Then I looked again.

I am so puzzled as to why I don't feel compelled, on a delightful Friday night, to be snuggled up next to someone. What is the deal with that!

I am content although my thoughts often turn to the fact I'd like to have someone to snuggle with, just don't want to feel consumed. I'd like to find someone to fight the daily battles of life with without the drama of too much life. I'd like to find someone who interests me without becoming so overwhelmed that I lose myself. Is it possible to find that?

I ate my filet mignon and drank my wine all the while listening to the jazz as I sat there in my jeans reading my magazine as I occasionally pondered that I am the strangest woman on the planet because I don't want NORMAL. Must have been a sight really as I didn't even have lipstick on.

Then I read the following.....

"Live your story; don't try to edit somebody else's. Write yourself a new chapter-a hopeful, happy one that involves your being insanely well-dressed and sexually fulfilled".

Ahem...yeah....I want THAT story! Think I'll start writing it first thing in the morning.

Birthday Insanity and the Prize

It was down to less than 24 hours till my birthday and I had no plans and since I’m living a life of solitude right now and LOML got custody of our social circle…well I was desperate. So I did the next pathetic thing. I posted an ad on CraigsList.

“If you are like me, you've been busy working, raising kids, feeding the dogs, and just plain living your life. I'm complicated because I have a lot of depth to who I am. I think and feel and laugh...alot. Putting who I am into a couple of paragraphs just doesn't work very well. I suppose that you are the same way, at least I hope you are. I'm looking for someone to go to dinner with tomorrow night. If we have a good time, we can do it again and again and see where it goes. I'm not looking to fall in love or have passionate sex with my soul mate tomorrow night...it's just dinner...no pressure. Let me know if you are interested.”

I got about 35 responses. I knew most of them would be insane. Let’s face it, it’s CRAIGSLIST.

The man I chose was smiling in his picture. In his email, he told me what we could talk about as opposed to how he could make my body sing because his private part was the size of salami. And yes, I got a bunch of new nether-region pictures to ad to my “collection”. Bunch of morons.

The man I chose just seem different although the little voice in my mind kept saying…this is going to be a horrible crash and burn.We emailed a few times and I gave him my phone number. He called and we talked for several hours. He had made several suggestions including a trip to the art museum. I was ecstatic that he was a man who even knew where the art museum was. He was delightful, articulate, what seemed to be the perfect dinner date. We settled on meeting up in Seattle…neutral territory…dinner and the art museum.

He had invited me to Google him. I did, boy did I, but still I kept telling myself that he could still be pretend and dangerous and I’d be damned if I was going to let my guard down.

Time got away from me at work. Actually, even though my boss knew it was my birthday, he piled on the work and phone calls at 4 pm because he didn’t want me leaving early. His sick joke.

Mr. CraigsList and I volleyed emails and he made the suggestion that I take the walk on ferry over to the island. He would meet me there because he lives there and we could walk to one of the restaurants. My initial reaction was….yeah right, walk on (no transportation), island (cell phone reception would be spotty), with a man from CraigsList (they are all insane).

So being one to be conservative…I said…yes. (ahem)

I climbed into the car as I gave instructions to my assistant. “Ok, so you’ve got his name, cell number, and home phone number right? If I don’t call you by 9 pm, call the police at 9:05”. She said, “Phone numbers, 9 pm, police…check. You are worried about the crazies on CraigsList?” Nuff said.

I got to the ferry with less than 10 minutes to spare. As I was inserting money for parking, I dropped my cell phone. There it was, under the nearby construction fence…way under...way, way, way under. I had to reach under the fence as I literally laid on the ground. I got up hoping beyond hope I wasn’t dirty. It was dark so I couldn’t tell, but my knee was now wet because as I got up, I failed to maneuver the puddle that I had worked so hard not to hit before.

I ran for the ferry now horribly close to leaving dreading that I might have to call him and tell him that I’d missed it. As I ran on, now warm and a tad sweaty, the ferry worker said, “It’s the weekend, enjoy”. My thought was, “Yeah and it’s my birthday and we aren’t doing too well here”.

I went to the front of the ferry because I love the wind in my hair as it pulls away. Hey we have to grab the joy of life whenever we can. I was wondering how completely insane this little cooked up desperate adventure was going to get and making plans on how I’d kick his ass if he tried anything. I was thinking how my hair was getting completely messed up and trying to assess exactly where the dirt was and if I could actually get it off before the ferry docked on the other side. I thought about how I should have left work early and at least gone home and changed.

That’s when I saw it. The North Star. Only it wasn’t really north, it was kind of northwest and it was immediately over the ferry terminal on the other side. Where he was waiting for me.

It was the ONLY star in the sky and it was HUGE. The profound sign was so obvious that my heart literally skipped a beat as I cocked my head to the side and actually thought, “I think I may just have a great time. Perhaps it really is time for a new chapter in my life. Perhaps LOML, can finally rot in hell as he leaves my thoughts except for the occasional what was I thinking”. Ok, that last one gives evidence that I still have some healing to do, but whatever.

I was almost the last walk off passenger in the bunch. Mostly because I was scared to death and not sure if I really wanted to do this, all the while plotting strategies as to how I could quickly get back on the ferry and go home without him seeing me. Ok, not my most mature moment.

Then I saw him. Oh. My. Gawd. He was the most dignified man I’d ever seen. A tad older than I’m used to…early 60’s. Handsome as could be and adorable in every way. He smiled a huge, beautiful, “It’s been too long since I’ve seen you” kind of smiled. One that genuinely said, “This is going to be a great night”. He held open his arms and said, “Well there’s my birthday girl”. I told him that was an interesting way to great someone the first time. He told me that he knew I was probably nervous and he wanted me to feel comfortable.

He had his Explorer parked right there. He said that he’d drive me around and show me the various restaurants, promised that I’d be able to see the ferry dock from the entire two block radius. I decided to get in.

As I stepped up, I was watching my feet as you literally have two separate steps to maneuver. Yes ladies and gents, I did a full on, full-frontal face plant on the top of the door.

As I got in, he closed the door not realizing what happened. I tried to assess quickly before he got in the car. Pulling down the mirror, my face was covered…in blood. I had a quarter-sized avulsion on the bridge of my nose, my head was now throbbing, and I was fighting desperately not to cry.

As he got in, I said, “I may have injured myself getting in the car”. It was a minor statement that should have come out, “I hope the blood doesn’t stain your leather and if you do intend to kill me tonight, my DNA is already all over your car so you are gonna get fingered”.

I was trying to clean up as fast as I could, he kept asking to see it and if I needed help. Picture two people arms flailing as he was trying to help and I was trying to keep him from helping.

I started to cry, possibly from pain, possibly from the fact that I was now living some horrible bad sitcom in the presence of a man I would actually like to impress.

He finally said in a very authorative voice, “Jeanette, let me look”. He took my chin in his hand, began to dab the blood so gently I could barely feel it. He said, “I think your nose is broken”. I started to cry. He dabbed those too. He went on to say that it wasn’t displaced but it looked a bit deformed. He asked if he should take me to the hospital. I told him that I’d broken my nose before and could we please just go to dinner.

I loved his response, “I would love to take such a beautiful woman to dinner”. I almost flung myself all over him right then.

We ate a lovely dinner sitting side by side. Chatted for hours. He speaks three languages. Loves to travel as much as I do. Thinks that college students are the most fun people to be around. Regrets never having children. Loves to sail and fly. It was just an incredible dinner.

At 9:05, my assistant called….”Are you still among the living? If so, I’m going to the movies”. I’d forgotten to call her. TOTALLY.

He told me that he was very pleased as to how the evening turned out. He said that he had no idea that I’d be beautiful and asked how my ex-husband could have possibly let someone like me get away. I told him the story and the story of LOML. The abbreviated version because I didn’t want to scare him.

I asked him how an interesting man like himself comes to find dinner dates on CraigsList. He told me, “I was destroyed by the loss of trust by my divorce some years ago.... and spent a couple of years getting myself to a place where I could imagine being with women again...one of my male friends suggested that I take a couple practice test runs on dates with CraigsList. This was my first attempt, but I think I may have scored here”.

He leaned over and kissed me. Oh my goodness, nothing like a man with experience.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom since all of a sudden I saw visions of a one night stand on the horizon and I had promised myself I wasn’t doing that. I wanted to be treated like the prize damn it!

I looked in the mirror. I’d completely forgotten about the face plant…until I looked into the mirror.

OH. MY. GAWD.

I had a huge quarter-sized blood red circle right on the bridge of my nose. This man I had just met had literally put my nose back in place and pulled the skin back to where it needed to be three hours earlier. How could I forget about that!!!! My nose was broken, I could see it and it was swollen at least two sizes bigger than it should have been. I had a baseball sized knot on my forehead. I had two, yes ladies and gents, TWO black eyes. Not the, "oh your make up must have smeared black eyes", but the "when was the last time you saw your racoon relatives" kind of black eyes.

This man had treated me with dignity and respect when I’m not even sure I would have been able to finish my dinner looking at someone like me. I looked terrible…horrible and I found that I was embarrassed all over again.

I walked out, we got in the car, I couldn’t say a thing. He asked if he’d said something wrong that had upset me. I’m sure he thought he had offended me by the way he had kissed me not knowing that it was the best kiss I could remember having in a very, very, very long time.

I asked him how he could treat me like he had tonight, paid for everything, and had to look at this face all the while still being such a complete gentleman. He said, “You are a beautiful woman, at least I think you are since I only got to see you about 30 seconds before you had your accident. You are smart and funny. You don’t let anything stop you from having a good time. You have a great laugh. I feel like I’ve won the jackpot. Although, if things continue, I will be telling everyone this story when they ask how we met because once you heal you are going to think it is really very funny”.

As we stood on the dock watching the ferry, I asked him what he was looking for. He said, “I’m looking to fall in love for the last time of my life”. He told me that he had no children and didn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone, but that he didn’t think that relationships have to be so hard so he wanted peace and to be with someone who knows the value of commitment.

He asked me what I wanted, “I told him that I want a man who doesn’t make me cry and when I do, I want him to be man enough to wipe my tears away”.

He took my face in his hands and said, “Jeanette, I already did that now run along or you’ll miss the boat”. As I walked away, “He said, did you have a good birthday”. I called back as I ran up the ramp, “Yes, thank you so very much”.When I got home an hour later, he had already emailed me asking if I’d gotten home safely. I emailed back that I had and asked if we could please do it again”. He emailed me right away…he must have been waiting….he said, “Do it again, we haven’t done it the first time. LOL”. Ok, I had to remind myself that I did find him on CraigsList.

I crawled into bed last night with the biggest smile on and, while I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I felt beautiful and happy.This morning, I still look like crap, but that man chose not to look at that and instead looked at me as if he saw the prize. And his actions, well he treated me as if I was the prize.