A Safe Place

I went for a massage on Saturday, done out of desperation because of the pain I was feeling.

As I lay there, my mind drifted to my future. My future is blurry at best. More than two years ago, I thought I’d found my path and was happily dancing down it. I was wrong. I had been manipulated and was then trying to recover from an emotional place that I would wish on no one.

The thing that I remember most about that time in my life is how many people told me to just move on, get over it, he was a bad person, why are you not able to “snap out of it”. When you are suicidal, those types of comments DO NOT HELP. File that one away for future reference if you must.

At one point, even my therapist didn’t understand and gently questioned why I had given this man so much of my self-esteem. For that matter, why I had given every relationship I’d had so much of myself.

Life has moved on since and while I will never be the innocent, happy person I was before, I can feel good that I have matured and gained wisdom. I can feel good that I have survived such a blow and will love again. Maybe not another man, but I do love myself and that is incredibly important.

So there I was having the knots moved out of my body on Saturday. Wondering what exactly the future holds.

I have been in the same profession for thirty years. I don’t want to do this anymore. What could the second half of my career hold?

And then it hit me……

What if there was a place that focused on relationship recovery? A nurturing place where everyone who worked there understood what it was like to be completely run over by a relationship truck.

One could come in for an hour of counseling and receive an hour of massage afterwards. Cry your guts out and then have the rest of the tension pressed out. Would you sleep better? I know I would have in those first few months.

What if it was a place where you could come and work through life’s transitions knowing that everyone you encounter has done the heavy introspective work of transitioning themselves?

A place where the new mom could come and vent her frustrations. A place where the other woman would feel safe enough to share her grief at the lies she had lived. A place where the betrayed wife could mourn the loss of her twenty year marriage. A place where the woman who had encountered her first narcissistic psychopath could learn the skills needed to avoid all the rest of the psychopaths out there.

In addition to counselors and massage therapists, I want an attorney and a paralegal on staff. Not because I want to help people with their cases….I want someone knowledgeable to be able to counsel a woman on what exactly she needed to do , afterall, how many times has each of us said, “What do I do now”.

I’d want support groups for people who need to build relationships again. A place to go and find your self-esteem.

Last night at 11:30 pm, I sat down at my computer and started the initial business plan to obtain funding from various sources.

So I’m shouting it out the Universe. I want a place that I would have run to if I had known that there were people who truly understood. I’m open to suggestions….for names….for needs….share with me your thoughts you cyber buddies you!

Something New This Way Comes....or Not

What does it feel like when a seed takes root?

I think it is much like when an idea somehow gets a hold of you and you aren't sure if it falls into the "valuable, I should pursue this" column or if it is in the....

"Shhhh, keep it a secret because it is just too harebrained to voice out loud".

I haven't verbalized it yet. It is just there....just below the surface.

I did mention it to a group of my support friends in an email. I don't think that counts.

Should I speak it out to the universe? Will it take off and grow? I'm not sure....must ponder that for awhile.

Two Steps Forward, a Trip, and a Faceplant

I have now been painfree for more than 24 hours. Amazing what 15 hours of sleep and a massage can do for you....or me as the case may be.

I feel great. Fabulous even!

On this gloriously sunny day, I did the responsible thing and climbed Mt. Neverest. I conquered.

(Mt. Neverest would be our neverending laundry pile).

This calm, painfree day has given me much time to think.

I am so happy today. Not just content, truly happy.

Apparently I'm out of my three week funk that I thought was never going to end. Yee Haw!

So I'm back to pondering good things as opposed to bad. Deep things as opposed to WTF things.

I want to get started on my book. I want to finish my master's, which is becoming a saga within itself. I want to plan my trip to Italy. I want to lose weight.

I have conquered Mt. Neverest...next...the world...ok, maybe I'll start with the bathroom.

Flares, Lupus, and Pain....Oh My

My Lupus has been in remission for almost two years. It usually only flares up when I'm under extreme duress. It is always a clear sign that I am out of balance.

During a flare, every joint in my body hurts and I've got swelling. My knees and knuckles look pretty bad. It sucks.

Lupus is an autoimmune disease where anti-bodies attack the good cells that make up the body. For me...it's the joints. It's other organs as well, but for me I feel it in my joints.

There is no cure and it is managed by keeping stress to a minimum, diet and exercise.

Ahem.....I'm pretty sure I'm getting a failing grade on this test.

I know that I need to modify my diet and get more exercise. I was doing pretty well on the stress o'meter until about two weeks ago.

Didn't help that someone came to work with a viral infection that was residing in his joints according to his doctor. No big deal he said. I knew as soon as he breathed on me that I would be toast with in a matter of days. For the record, auto-immune diseases and viral infections DO NOT MIX.

I suppose this is just a vent. I need to get motivated to change my lifestyle before it's too late.

I suppose this is my body crying out for help. Time to stop ignoring it.

Obsession

I am fascinated by this picture. It came up when I googled BLISS. They were unearthed in Mantova, Italy in 2007. It is said that they are 5000 to 6000 years old. They weren't old because their teeth are still intact.

What was happening to them that he cuddled her up like that? What was he saying to her as he comforted her? Did they know that they were dying and if they did, was clinging to each other the only thing they could think of? Were they telling each other how much they loved each other? Were they thanking each other for a life lived together?

The way his legs are wrapped around her says he was trying to protect her. The way his hand is placed says that he was stroking her face. They could not have been any closer. They could not have clung to each other any harder.

I could write a whole story based on this picture alone. I would like to live this picture. It makes me cry that I haven't. It makes me cry that I probably won't.

I find it ironic that this discovery was made February 6, 2007. February 6th is my birthday.

I find it ironic that this discovery was made in Italy.

2009.....the year of BLISS.

Man Stupid Alert

Met a guy online from North Carolina. We emailed back and forth several times and then chatted on the phone a couple of times. Delightfully entertaining. Fun really, but I've come to know that man-stupid abounds and the only thing to evaluate is if it is terminal man-stupid or just something that will be annoying.

Mr North Carolina....helpful dating hints from Hanna.....

1. Don't send your MySpace out without warning. A 56 year old man with a MySpace is just WRONG.

2. When sending your MySpace out, be sure it doesn't say "in a relationship" or "I have a good heart and need a good woman to bring it out, I'm so glad that she is finally here" and then try to tell someone, i.e. ME, that it's old news and you aren't in that relationship anymore.

3. When sending your MySpace out, it is really unattractive to see 43 women as friends none of them being over the age of 30....for crying out loud....you are 56!

4. When asking me via email on Wednesday why I didn't answer your call Saturday night and expounding on why you were lonely and didn't have a date....it might behoove you to check your friken notes.

We spoke for 30 minutes on Saturday night. You got off the phone by ending the call telling me that you were hungry and tired and it was a good thing that you didn't have plans that night. I thought it was really quite rude, but well, I chalked it up to man-stupid.

On the other hand, knowing that a 56 year old man is trying his hardest to manipulate women and he doesn't have the brain power to keep them straight....well that's just funny no matter who you are.

Life has sucked for me the last couple of weeks, but your behavior has been fun to watch and very entertaining. Thanks so much.

Off you go now.....a real woman just doesn't want to be bothered with such men....and I use the term men very, very loosely. Too funny.

Recovering....bit by bit.

I haven't finished telling my story yet here. I think perhaps the reason is that with each layer, I must deal with the pain and scratching at that scab so it can truly heal is just a really long hard process.

Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse takes forever. When I first set foot in my therapist's office, he was gentle and kind and he walked me through everything. Just as I started to feel whole, he came back into my life. That one who did the most damage and who left me feeling worthless and unable to function.

I re-entered that relationship because I believed his lies and promises as truth....except they were anything but truth.

When he abandoned me a second time eight months later, I trooped back to my therapist. Actually I called and immediately burst into tears, told him I had no job and no money, and he agreed to see me because he was afraid I was suicidal. Jokes on him because I was.

I asked him how long it would take to truly feel whole. He told me that it would take about two years. He said I would be functional in a year or so, but that this man who supposedly loved me so much had done so much damage that it was going to take a major work.

Well it will be two years in September. I did feel a marked difference at the one year mark and I stopped crying at the sixteen month mark. But....still.....there are times that I can't help but question my decision making ability because of the damage this man did to me.

This person that meant the world to me told me that I couldn't have possibly thought our relationship would last because what I had to offer wasn't really worth the effort. Of course this was six hours after his telling me that he loved me and knew without a doubt that he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. Six hours.

Of all the heartless things that were said to me in that relationship, that is what still rings in my ears. It's because that is what my mother said to me as a child. "Nothing you offer is worth the effort".

The thing about narcissists is they study you like a lab rat or something in a dish. They see where your weakest points are and then they utilize what they have learned to do the most damage because it makes them feel good about themselves....powerful.

The scary thing for me is that an estimate of 10% of the world's population is clinically narcissistic and if I've been with two and my mother was one....well....even so it doesn't bode well.

Hence, I don't trust my own judgement.

I'm having trouble in my job. I'm having trouble with my neighbor. I'm having financial trouble. My Lupus is flaring. Now I'm having car trouble.

According to my mother, this would be a direct result of my not being a "good" person. According to my ex-husband, this would be a direct result of my being an adulterer. According to my boss, this would be a direct result of my not paying attention.

In my mind, when I'm feeling like I just can't go on, I imagine that little girl who was told repeatedly that she wasn't worth anything. She has long hair and a yellow dress. I imagine that she is about seven. When I am losing it, I see her crying, hurt, needing someone....anyone to tell her it is ok.

I call her to me and I reach out my arms. I cuddle her up and I tell her it's ok because she is not alone anymore. I am here and I will protect her and I will always, always, always be there for her. I cry and somehow I begin to feel better.

Still....when every area of my life crashes and burns, it's really hard to convince myself that I have the ability to care for this imaginary child much less the children that are truly needing me to look after them.

Life is not good right now and I don't know how to fix it. Too much has gone wrong. Too much is out of my control.

Narcissistic abuse changes you to the core of who you are. I will never get what I have lost back. It has been my hope that I would become better...wiser somehow. Now, I just wish I could get to a place where hard work brings good things.

Four More Months....Italy

Four Months from today......Italy

I Like This - Nuff Said!

BLISS in Sanskrit

I love the language Sanskrit. It's a beautiful language. Many linguists consider it the perfect language because of its grammar and structure. It's an ancient language like Hebrew or Latin. Many consider it to be the first language ever created.

Some folks have a hard time dealing with Sanskrit because it's the liturgical language of Hinduism and Buddhism which makes it an anti-Christian language. My thought is, that while it is the "official" language of mantras and such, God was god then and well....whatever.

It's a beautiful language nonetheless and I can't NOT look at what such an ancient language has to say of BLISS.

In Sanskrit, there are 36 different ways to say bliss. Each one has a different variation of the meaning that we commonly think of when we think of BLISS. And yet, the interesting thing to me is that BLISS is not really what we think it is at all really. It's like forcing a square peg into a round hole somehow.

I'm choosing one BLISS word in Sanskrit. This is what it looks like:

निर्वृति

The first thing I noticed is that it is balanced. I love balance. So hard for me to achieve in any area of my life, but I do love it and I look for it constantly.

The word is translated "nirvRti". I have no idea how to pronounce it. It means favorable, gracious. benign, kind. An adjective. How weird is that!

In English, BLISS is a noun. Something to be possessed. In Sanskrit, it's an adjective. Something used to describe.

favorable = expressing approval

gracious = marked by kindness and courtesy

benign = of a gentle disposition

kind = of a sympathetic or helpful nature

In this Sanskrit word, my pursuit of BLISS should be marked by my disposition. Who I am, not something that I experience. We Americans are well known for our pursuit of happiness....pursuit of BLISS.

BLISS should be something I am described as....something I should be pouring out on others.

I am self-absorbed and I am the first person to admit it. I have spent the last two years looking within so that change occurs.

I don't have a gentle disposition nor do I always function in kindness or courtesy....just try and cut me off in traffic.

I try to have a sympathetic or helpful nature and yet I have come to believe that no good deed ever goes unpunished. Didn't say I was done working on myself now did I?

If I am to pursue BLISS this year, shouldn't I want to embrace the word no matter what it means? I feel I am missing the mark here. If I embrace this definition of the word, I have a lot of work to do.

I'm thinking that perhaps I should take a look at the other 35 Sanskrit words and see if I like one of those better.....but then again.....the whole purpose of this journey is to find what I'm missing in my life and learn from it. Bummer.

Cup-holder Nazi

I have a child that has stellar verbal skills.

Unfortunately, he has the innate ability to use them as a weapon. He is almost 19.

I lost my first argument with him when he was 2 years old. Yes, two. His logic was so spot-on, all I could do was stand there dumbfounded.

He is an incredible person. He is smart, responsible, and happy. Kind of scary really. Neither of my older two children gave me any trouble through their teen years. Not quite sure how I scored that as it certainly wasn’t from my stellar parenting skills. Of course, there is probably stuff that happened that I don’t know about, but I’m good not knowing.

This morning, I gave the Reminator a ride to college. Now what you have to understand about this story is that I control very little in my life and at 48 years old, I want to control something. To that end I have claimed my favorite cup holder in the car. I want the cup holder in the front center, but I want the passenger side one. If I spill, it goes into the floor and not all over my leg. I’ve used that cup holder forever. I like it. The children know it. It’s mine….mine.…mine.

This child that I love so much offered to buy me breakfast. Reality is, he wanted to get breakfast and knew that I would take him to do so if he bought me something. Ok, I admit it, I can be bought for a Sausage Egg McMuffin from the food source from hell.

So, what does Reminator do this morning? He puts his drink in my cup holder. The conversation went like this….

M: Excuse me!

R: Geesch mom, you are such a cup holder nazi.

M: This is not new news.

R: Yeah, but there is nothing written that says that you have to have THAT cup holder.

M: I’ll make a sign today. It will say, “Mom’s Cup Holder”.

R: You know what really annoys me, when you make me hold my drink because you want to use BOTH cup holders.

M: It’s my car.

R: But if you were a nice person, you would want to make someone else feel welcome in your car.

M: I do make others feel welcome. You are my son, you know the rules, don’t follow the rules, you WILL be punished.

R: See, cup-holder nazi.

M: When are you leaving home?

R: When I feel like it? I’m actually fairly insecure about my life and I may need counseling for several years to get over my traumatic childhood before I can launch and even then I will probably be a rebound child so it would benefit both of us if you wouldn’t DO anything with my bedroom. I suspect that my wife and children will be coming with me. I’m letting you know that so that there won’t be any surprises in your future.

M: I’m not moving my drink.

R: Cup-holder nazi.

M: When are you going to get a car? You are working now you know.

R: Perhaps you should buy me my first car.

M: Why?

R: Because I am your favorite child and it will go a long way to making amends for the trauma that I’ve suffered at your hand.

M: Ahem….you have NOT suffered any trauma and I don’t have a favored child…..you all annoy me equally.

R: You don’t know if I’ve suffered trauma and I won’t know until all my repressed memories come up in counseling in a few years.

M: Did you get all your homework done?

R: Yes, I had to write a personal story.

M: What did you write about?

As he got out of the car, he said, “My Mother the Cup-holder Nazi”.

M: Let’s do this tomorrow.

R: I’d be delighted….oh….and I get off work at 11 pm tonight. Can I have a ride?

M: And you wonder why I want to control the cup-holder.

R: Love you Mom, you’re the best.

I giggled all the way to work.

2009 Word of the year….BLISS.

Well...That Was Unexpected!

It's my weekend with the children. The house should be filled with noise and stuff all over the floor and....well....life.

The thing is...I got blindsided. Everyone had a filled social calendar today and most everyone will be out until tomorrow afternoon. My oldest at home, will be home from work at 11:30 pm, but he will be off to bed shortly thereafter.

So I'm virtually home alone this weekend....my weekend to have the children.

Now, normally on my weekends alone, I'm happy, content in the quiet. Off to dinner with friends or by myself. No worries because I've planned and prepped myself to be alone.

Here I am with nothing to do and no place to go and it feels weird.

I . AM . LONELY

There, I said it.

When I was driving the twins to their overnighter, I said very jokingly, "Poor me, I'm going to be all alone tonight. Perhaps someone should stay home and keep me company".

Mighty Max said, "Suck it up mom. You need to just deal with it".

Being home alone unexpectedly has led me to the realization that I am going to be alone more and more as the children grow and I really don't have a lot that fills the void. I still have things that I want to do and try, but I didn't realize it was time to actually DO that.

It feels weird.

I'm going to take myself out to dinner. Then, I think that I am going to go and buy some painting supplies. I always wanted to paint. If I enjoy it, I'll be able to do it way into my old age when all the children are gone.

This sucks.....and in this moment......I wish I wasn't alone.

Nuff Said.

A New Day

Well into the second week of "just forging ahead". I don't like this.

Out of the Mouths of Children

We had to pick up the Reminator tonight from work at 11 pm.

As we pulled out of the driveway, my younger three children and I began talking about my writing. The children know that I've been writing quite a bit these days.

Me: I've been asked to write for a couple of websites.

SuperSam (10yo): Does it pay?

Me: Does it matter?

FooFooFaith (13yo): You are a really good writer mom.

Me: I always wanted to be a writer. Just don't think I can do it and make money.

FooFooFaith: Why don't you try?

MightyMax (10yo): Mom, you always tell us that if someone has support and a desire they can do anything. You always tell us that you are our support and desire is wanting to right? I think you should try because if you don't you are a wimp.

Me: What if I don't know what I'm doing?

MightyMax: What if you do and you just don't know it yet? You are trying to be a wimp.

FooFooFaith: I think you should try. I think you would really like it, besides you have a lot to say. It's ok if you don't make money at it, you can still have fun doing it.

SuperSam: Will you try to make money at it?

Me: How about I just try?

MightyMax: Do or don't do, there is no try. (hysterical laughter)

FooFooFaith: Whatever you do mom, we are right here behind you. Right boys?

MightyMax: Just like you are for us mom.

SuperSam: I think you should try to do it for money.

When we picked the Reminator (18yo)....

MightyMax: Mom's going to be a writer and we are going to support her.

Reminator: Ok.

SuperSam: She's going to make some money at it.

Me: I didn't say that.

SuperSam: You should try.

Reminator: What are you going to write for?

Me: I'm may write for a couple of websites and I'm going to revisit my book.

Reminator: You should do it mom. You always tell us you'll kick our butts if we don't follow our passion. Maybe you need a butt kicking.

MightyMax: She just needs to do it and stop making excuses.

SuperSam: I hope she makes some money at it.

FooFooFaith: Geesch Sam, give it a rest. Do what you want mom. Just make sure it makes you happy. That's what you would say to us.

Reminator: We're here to kick your butt if you need it mom.

Once again, my children made me cry.

BLISS - Nuff Said

BLISS Compass

Sharing this cool thing I found because today sucks and I want to be doing anything but work....

http://oneletterwords.com/bliss/

What the Heck!

I woke up angry this morning. For two weeks, several areas of my life have been a tad dysfunctional.

This morning, I woke up tired. I hate that.

I'm angry at my mother who has repeatedly, throughout my lifetime, told me that I'm a disappointment. It's the reason I went "no contact" with her in May of 2008. Of course, she has made no attempt to contact me so I'm sure she feels that I deserve it somehow too.

I'm angry at Nyles aka LOML aka Mr. Magoo for the simple fact that if he has a choice to make, he will, in fact, choose the option that causes the most pain to everyone involved because its the only time that he feels that he has power and control in his life.

I'm angry at my ex-husband, who never fully took responsibility for anything that he ever did and five years later is still playing the victim and wishing nothing but destruction on me. The thing is the children are beginning to see it and I don't even have to say anything.

I'm angry at my job. In two weeks time, I've begun to see it as emotionally abusive at times.

I feel old.

I've tried for so long to NOT become that bitter, angry over-forty stereotype that everyone fears becoming. Why do I feel like I have arrived?

I want someone in my life, but just the simple act of dating is a huge pain in the arse.

I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of people coming into my life and spewing their promises and other debris only to have them walk away after telling me that what I offer just isn't good enough.

From my mother to the last man I actually dated. How can I not be angry about never being good enough?

I dated a man once. Three dates. I saw potential. On the third date, he noticed a dog hair on my jacket. He made some comments about it, ended the date abruptly, and I never heard from him again.

My thought when it happened was, "What a moron to get so upset about such a little thing, how will he react about the big things".

Now my thought is, if that is the standard I have to meet to have a man in my life...well...I just don't offer perfection. I suppose I am doomed to be alone.

I had a latent memory come to the surface this morning. An ugly memory from my childhood. It was my birthday party. I was turning seven. I dropped my birthday cake on the carpet in front of my friends. I remember being terribly embarrassed. Then my mother began her pithy comments. I was sent to my room.

I remember laying on my bed crying as I listened to my friends play the party games.

I was allowed to come out to say good-bye to my friends when they went home. I can still remember the sad looks on the faces of the other mothers.

I wasn't even good enough to attend my seventh birthday party.

What happened in my sub-conscience last night that has caused this? What is it that has come to the surface and needs to be dealt with this morning? Why am I in tears about my seventh birthday party for crying out loud?

I don't want to be the bitter, angry over-forty woman that is divorced and broke and alone with cats. But I'm losing my ability to be anything else....at least this morning.

Ok, so JJ just called. Said she is stopping at Starbucks on the way to work and would I like something. Made me cry all the more. I know I have people who care about me. I know I do. Apparently my sub-consciences decided to have a rough night and forget that. Ug.

BLISS

BLISS is my word for the year. I choose one word a year to immerse myself in, to learn all that I can about it, and begin to bring it into my life in a new way. Well...BLISS....is it.

For those of you who don't know, I'm Jewish by birth, my mom was a converted Southern Baptist, and I went to a charismatic Bible college. I think the Buddhists are spot on as to how they view their lives in relationship to the rest of the world. Oh, and I love Yoga.

Yes....I am confused in my ability to define what my faith is.

While I have very solid beliefs about my faith, I often think the church is a sanctimonious bunch that makes rules to exclude rather than include. I often leave a church gathering thinking, "Where's the love"!

The result is that my mother, to whom I no longer speak because of her judgements, thinks that I have a one-way, first-class ticket to hell.

I, on the other hand, think that God has it going on and while I don't quite understand how so many religions can have so many varied views of who this Divine presence might be...or not be, I still believe that he loves me unconditionally even in my poor decisions and bad luck.

This is the year of BLISS.

The Hebrew word for BLISS is

אושר; שימחה

which means to be confirmed or verified. It also means to be happy, but I think that was tacked on somehow.

Confirmed means marked by long continuance and likely to persist.

Verified means to establish the truth, accuracy, or reality of .

So in Hebrew, the word BLISS is an establishment of the truth that is likely to persist.

I want truth in my life. My life has been marred by constant detours into the twilight zone as I followed others that I believed were speaking the truth to me only to find out that I was not being looked after and protected at all.

I want the truth in my life and I want it to persist. Funny how this word BLISS is such a good one for me.

To Jenni - thanks for getting me to think on things that are BLISS!

My Path - Part IV - The Blurry Year

When last we saw our heroine....yeah right....how much I wish my life was just a movie I had paid to see....instead of the life I have endured. It would be so much nicer to be able to pay my money and then go home at the end or better yet, walk out it the middle because it was just too dang painful to watch.

While the trip home from Texas really didn't give me any hope, it did make me feel good and happy that my children and I had such a fun time away from the reality and dysfunction. It was peaceful in a strange way. Still...reality lurked like a huge monster in the distance and I knew it was waiting for me.

My heart was broken. In many ways so was my mind. My spirit was depleted.

When we got back to Western Washington, the first place we went was to see my husband. The children had missed him and I knew that we needed some place to stay. I was planning on throwing myself on his mercy.

Since it was in the middle of the day, we met him in a parking lot of a gas station. I don't know why, but I've always felt like that was such an interesting place for us to meet after everything that we had both been through.

The children hugged him. He barely made eye contact with me.

I asked him if we could stay with him. He told me that I could go there and take a shower, but that he would only take the children.

We went to the house. That evening, I made dinner. He came home and ate it. After dinner, he told me to leave.

I stayed in the driveway that night. Every now and then one of the children would peek their faces out the window. It was brutal.

My children over the next few days, begged for him to let me stay in the house. I was finally allowed to sleep on the sofa.

As the days passed, I found myself falling back into old patterns. Married patterns. I found myself slipping away once again.

Somewhere along the line, we had discussions about reconciling. I started crying constantly again. The first thing to go was my cellphone. He had rules and I was in no position to disobey.

When my van broke down, that was the end. I was once again back in a situation where I had no power. It was painful, but not as painful as watching my children once again begin to suffer.

He would tell me that what I was suffering was some kind of punishment from God that I had brought on our family. Every month he would make this grandiose announcement that we were probably going to be homeless by the next month. The stress in what he called "honesty" was brutal at best, especially for the children.

I begged for counseling. He continued to refuse saying that if I would just learn to be content, all would be well. He would tell me that something was wrong with me. If I would just try to fix it, everything would be fine. If I would just get right with God, all our problems would be solved.

We never had any money. We never had any food in the house.

Several months later, I realized that I couldn't do this life anymore. I couldn't allow that life for my children anymore.

I began to look for a job via the bus. Not an easy thing especially when you are not supported by your husband.

What I remember most about that year was finding my determination. I wanted a life. I wanted a life where I wasn't punished every day. I wanted to feel safe in the arms of someone who loved me. I wanted my children to see their mother loved. I wanted my children to feel secure in their life.

I found jobs. Most of them temporary. Most of them requiring that I travel.

I was constantly seeing a big wide world out there that I was never quite able to be a part of fully. My money was once again going into an account that I had no access to at all. When I wasn't working, I was at home.

How could an educated, experienced, intelligent woman have allowed herself to become this broken person? It was a question that I began to ask myself every day.

I began to realize that my life was not what it should be and the only way it was ever going to be my life, was for me to once again run.

I didn't know how, but I was going to make my life work. I was going to make changes....for myself....for my children.

And that's the place I was in when I met Nyles....the Somatic Narcissist.

Sleep!!!!!

Dear Sleep,

I welcome your visit. You have been quite elusive the last few nights. I know you are busy what with wandering the world putting everyone to sleep. Perhaps you could stop by and sprinkle a bit a pixie dust so that I can nod off for just a bit.

Of course we can also do this the hard way and I'll hunt you down by drugging myself up. You do need to understand that if we are going to play that game, I will kick butt and take no prisoners.

The choice is yours.

Hello!!! I'm Only One Person Here

Work is insane right now. I was allowed to hire an assistant last December. She's so good the Pres of the company began to use her almost instantly to the point that she never was able to even learn what I needed her to do, much less actually begin doing it.

Part of me is so proud of her. She has learned an incredible amount in a short time. Very cool! She is out of her box and is thriving in an environment that would kill most people. This is a construction company after all. We can both attest to the fact that the "Good Ol' Boy Club" is alive and well.

Still, last night my boss once again gave me another massive project which sent me right over the edge. I'm already working between 50 and 60 hours each week. When I mentioned this, he said, "Well, you have an assistant". Ahem...hello...let's review.

I know I'll get it all done. Still, I'm out of balance and I'm feeling it. I'm tired and my allergies have kicked in. I'm not sleeping or eating properly.

This would be when I would do something stupid to make me feel better; get involved with the wrong person, go on an unplanned trip, spend money that I don't have.

I want to do something different. Do something different....get different results.

That's my plan. I'm going to sit and do nothing in my head and in my heart. I'm looking forward to Italy in October. Until then....nothing.

This changing and becoming who I am seems to have hit a spot where the "practical" needs to be implemented. The philosophical is just a bunch of whooie if I don't actually test my theory right? Interesting development.

Just a Normal Trip to School...Except for the Hooker.

So I’m at the gas station this morning frantically pouring oil in my car. I can do car maintenance, I will get to it…really…I will…..eventually.

Morning rush hour being what it is, every pump was full and there were cars everywhere that belonged to people running into the little store to get whatever their commute needed.

Mighty Max poked out of the passenger window as I was deep into my engine. “Mom, can we please do the hooker?”

Yes, I bumped my head.

“MM, I’m busy and I have no idea what you are talking about, do you have to say anything at all right now”.

“Mom, we are outside, I’m just using my outside voice”.

People were laughing and I’m sure that some were dawdling as they pumped their gas.

“Mom….Can we please do the hooker? We like the hooker and its fun”.

“MM, please, can you just wait until I’m done and then I’ll figure out what you need”.

Just then Super Sam poked out of the driver’s window. “Mom, I found the hooker that we want to use”.

Oh for pete’s sake….”Guys PAAAAALEEZE, inside voices”.

“But we are outside”.

Who knew how long it takes to pour four quarts of oil….it takes an exceedingly long time when your ten-year-old twins are talking loudly about HOOKERS.

They were now sitting on the door frames chatting happily back and forth over the roof of the car.

SS - “What exactly is a hooker?”

MM - “ Someone who has sex and gets paid for it”.

SS - “Who told you that?”

MM -“O.C.” (Note to self: Must have a talk with my oldest son about appropriate topics of conversation with children).

SS -“I think you are wrong. Mom, do hookers have sex for money”.

I swear, people were literally rolling on the ground and now there was a police officer parked beside me drinking his coffee and laughing his butt off.

SS -“What is sex anyway, I thought sex was for making babies. Do you have to pay someone to make a baby?”

Oh God, if you never grant me another prayer, please cause the ground to open up NOW.

MM- “Mom, mom…MOM, you are being rude. You tell us not to be rude. Sam asked you a question. Why won't you answer us?”.

“Get in the car, do not say anything else, buckle up, if anyone else says anything else, you are going to be cleaning the toilets tonight”.

MM- “Boy, she’s cranky”.

SS- “Do you think mom is a hooker? She has a lot of kids. Did dad have to pay her for sex?”

As I climbed into the car ten shades of red, SS handed me the CD, we did the hooker all the way to school….I now share it with you so that you can do the hooker too.

And do note, my boys have NEVER seen the video...ug.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Mp115afFIA

The Male in My Life

I have someone in my life. Normally I don't share my bed. But this one has climbed into bed every night for the last week with me. I've been waking in the night cold because he steals my covers.

He snuggles next to me. Sometimes I feel his breath on my arm...in my face.

He wakes me every morning to remind me that he needs attention.

Every morning this last week, I have opened my eyes to this sight so very close....and it is painfully obvious that I don't know how to use the camera.

Yes I did....

Yeah, I redid my blog. Seems a bit dramatic. Not sure how long it will last. Note to self....start taking medication to sleep.

Life Changes Again

I'm launching another child tomorrow. RR...kid number 2...begins college.

Makes me smile. He is so smart. He has persevered.

He graduated from high school last May. He didn't know what he wanted to do. I told him to take some time off. Travel, explore, sit on your butt all day everyday until you know without a doubt what you want to do.

He chose to sit on his butt. A bit a of worry there for his Dad and I. I promised him a year and he took it.

My son begins a new chapter in his life tomorrow. He's excited. I'm excited for him. I'm a tad proud too.....of this baby boy who brought me so very much joy at his birth.

Barf!

Apparently I checked my mom hat at the door when I got home from work. Exactly when and at what point did I decide that it would be FUN to go for a midnight run for milkshakes at that food source straight from the bowels of hell? Ahem...McDonalds.

I. FEEL. SICK. KIDS. FEEL. SICK.

Pepto for everyone!!!!!

Chalk another great idea up to insanity.

My Path - Part III - The Roadtrip of a Lifetime

So there I was...in a mini-van on the road back from Texas. A four day road trip, not knowing if I had enough money or enough personal strength to get home.

I was mad at Gene for being the epitome of nothing that I valued.

I was mad at my mother for when I called her, the only thing she could say was, "Well you don't have what it takes to make a man happy".

I was mad at my husband for being there for me, but not enough to make my life easier. Just enough so he could help and then turn around and tell people that he had helped when reality was, he had helped just enough to cause me more stress.

I was mad at God for allowing myself enough free will to wander down a path that was so self-destructive.

Most of all, more than anything, I was mad at myself. It hurt that I had not looked after myself. Even as I drove home, I cursed myself for not protecting myself or more importantly my children.

And then something happened.....

Somewhere in the desert of New Mexico it happened.

I started to have fun.

Yes I was crying every now and then. Yes I was wanting Gene to call and say, "Surprise, just testing you, come on home". Wouldn't that have been destructive.

Suddenly I started to have fun and that four day road trip became the best trip of my life. My children laughed harder than I had ever heard them laugh.

In New Mexico, we pulled off the side of the road to watch the sun set because we had never seen anything like it. The beauty and the grandeur was incredible. A bit creepy too because you could have heard a pin drop.

In Colorado, I finally took a chance and sprung for a hotel room. We went swimming for hours. That night, I listened to the breathing of my children. Each one a different pattern. A gentleness crept over me.

I could still feel the tightness in my chest and the complete fear of the unknown, but I realized in that moment that things could have turned out so much worse. What if Gene had turned out to be a psychopath, my children and I could be dead.

The next day, I purposed in my heart to make the rest of the trip a stellar experience for all of us. I wasn't sure how, but I wanted it and was going to look for opportunities.

I love Moab, Utah. If you have never been there, you should Google it. You should go there. It nurtures my spirit, but I do think that love of Moab began on that insane road trip.

Up until Moab, Utah, my children and I had stopped at grocery stores to eat. I decided to live really wildly and we stopped for pizza.

There is a Pizza Hut on the main drag in Moab, Utah. They had a sign in the door that they needed a waitress. For just a moment, I thought about applying and trying to figure out a way to just stay there....halfway between where I thought I was suppose to be (Texas) and where I was headed (Washington).

I couldn't justify it and by the end of our meal, I knew I would just be passing through. But an odd thing happened in that Pizza Hut. My children and I had been talking. I was answering their questions. As the meal came to an end, I sent the children to wash up for the next leg of the trip.

The Pizza Hut was empty except for my little gypsy family. We had the full attention of both the waitresses the entire time we were there.

As the children ran off, one of the waitresses said, "We heard you talking to the children. We've both been where you are. If it doesn't hurt your pride, the cook would like to buy your lunch for you. Oh and we want to give you our tips for the day. It's only forty dollars, but hopefully it will help".

I cried. The children came back and I told them what had happened. They hugged the waitresses and the cook came out for his hugs too.

When I say, "I love Moab, Utah", folks often ask why. What can I say.....I love Moab, Utah....or at least the little Pizza Hut there.

We stopped in the desert later that day. Went rock climbing by the side of the road.

The next day, we stopped at a rest stop for hours to feed the chipmunks and wade in a little creek.

We stopped at parks and delightful little places all along the way.

We had so much fun. To this day, my twins will often say....let's do all that again. I always think...yes let's do....maybe not with so much drama next time.

When I drove over the summit of Snoqualmie Pass, I burst into tears. I didn't want to be in Washington. I didn't want to be limping home. I didn't want my husband to have the opportunity to tell that I had proven myself a loser. I didn't want to feel like my life was as dysfunctional as ever. I didn't want to be in a place where I couldn't support myself or my children. I wanted to be living happily ever after with someone who truly cared about me.

My daughter took my hand as I drove. "I love you Mom".
One of my sons said, "Thank you for the best adventure ever".
My other son said, "Yeah Mom, best time ever".

All I could think was.....I think the adventure isn't quite over yet.

My journey continues... here

What Happened to my Turtle?

So I'm taking a break from re-visiting my history so I can have a more current pressing meltdown. Thing is, I seem to be at a place in life where a current crisis is just a burp.

I faced several today. A financial crisis for me. A financial crisis for my company. A customer service crisis with a client. A logistical crisis for my family.

When I got home, I googled...Dealing with a Crisis.

One of the returns was for a list of seven ways to make a crisis a more positive experience.....they would tell me the secrets to making my crisis a more positive experience if I'd give them $75.00. I thought that was funny.

I'm thinking not!

The financial crisis for me will play itself out and wouldn't have occurred if I hadn't counted my chickens before they hatched. A learning experience.

The company financial crisis came in the form of my boss asking me why I hadn't put a ten page report together to get the company through the next two quarters. Ahem....did you ask for one?

The customer service crisis was solved by my saying no repeatedly until the customer finally just gave in. Ten minutes out of my life that I'll never get back, but he finally realized the unreasonableness of his request so...yippee...I win.

The logistical crisis is just going to have to play itself out as it will I'm sure.

Crisis often makes me think of an upside down turtle. Have you ever watched that behavior? They struggle and struggle, but if they would just relax, think things through and move slowly, it's amazing how the turtle can right itself. I don't recommend testing this as it traumatizes the poor turtle, but still, it's pretty cool.

So here I am. Exhausted from the day's struggling. Hoping that if I just relax the turtle will right itself. I'm sure it will....if it doesn't.....payday is Friday and I can still get the seven secrets. NOT!