Jumpstart to BLISS - Part I

Rough day today....rough week.

I need to spend some time focusing on BLISS because quite frankly, no matter how positive I get and no matter how much I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't seem to make it work. Ironically, my ex-husband thinks that is pretty cool as he told me that my life would be a train wreck without him. So every set back, every rough patch is validation for him that I'm a failure without him. Funny, he isn't even the ex-narcissist in my life.

Just some of the things that have happened to me this week....

My car started leaking oil last Sunday. I have two payments left. Now I know that it already needs a $2500 transmission that I am putting off as I thought that I would just get a new car a month or so after I was done moving. I just came home from the garage and the oil leak is an $800 fix. Not even on the radar.

I've put in 12 quarts of oil since last Monday morning. Yeah, it's a bad leak.

I cried all the way home. It's funny how every little set back takes me right back to the voice in my head that belongs to my narcissistic mother. She was always quick to point out what a failure I am, how I would never make a man happy and how I would always be alone. That is the reason we haven't spoken in almost two years.

Still, it hurts not to have family for support.

I work a job where I am the enforcer and the company bad guy. It doesn't help that the good ol' boy club is in full swing. I guess they didn't get the memo that we are in the new millennium.

My boss, the President, and I were talking yesterday. He told me I hadn't been on my game in about three months and he needed to know what was going on. I reminded him that last May I told him that I would only be working 40 hours all summer and what he was seeing was the result of my not working 60 hours a week. He told me he had forgotten about that.

We did talk about how I don't like being the bad guy all the time and I hate how all the employees seem to hate me.

His response was to tell me that I was hired to be the "bitch" and it's my job to make sure they do their jobs and if I don't do my job, he'll find someone who is willing to be the "bitch". I'm really rather appalled that he managed to use that word twice in one sentence, but it is a construction company so...whatever.

So swell, I don't have family support and I don't have supportive friends at work.

I began to ponder BLISS yesterday. It's a place I go when I can no longer cope with anything.

What is it I'm facing.....

We are moving to a new house. At the moment, the only help I have for moving is my children in a van that is leaking oil.

The twins school is more than a mile away. We are apparently too close for them to ride the bus. A mile is too far for them to walk. I am now trying to find childcare. Not an expense I was anticipating.

My 19yo is having trouble staying in college. I told him I would help him pay for it, but it just hasn't come together. He had decided at one point that he was dropping out. When he decided that he wanted to continue, life had changed the money wasn't there.

I need a new car. I knew it already, but this week is not the week that I had planned to deal with it.

My Lupus is flaring on a weekly basis. Always seems to be worse when it is hot, so I am very thankful that the weather has cooled as the pain and exhaustion are horrible and I can't stop my life to rest.

It appears my crazy neighbors have moved out. I am angry about that. These people have taken so much from me and they never once suffered for it. My grand plan was to move out and leave them with nothing turned on. It looks like it will not happen. Like most narcissistic people, they waltz off to the next thing in their life not giving one thought to who or what has been left in their wake. They owe me $4000. It is money I will never see. I must mourn that loss and move forward.

I'm not in a good frame of mind today. I'm not counting my blessings, because I'm not sure I see them. I hate when I feel like that.

I'm angry....at the stupid neighbors....at my ex-husband....at Nyles....at Gene....at my mother. All people that made promises. All people that I trusted. All people that screwed me over and told me that I was stupid to have believed them. All people who have told me that I have gotten what I deserve.

I have been thinking alot lately about all the good I've done in my life. The sacrifices I've made for others. Up until recently, I gave without a second thought. Now, I wonder where my life would have been if I had been more selfish. I don't like that thought process. I don't like it at all.

Ug. I know this will pass. It always does. I will suck it up, put my big girl panties on and forge ahead. Still, I could use a run of blessings, good luck, good karma, love. Perhaps you could all send some my way. As always....prayers welcome.

BLISS is far from me today. Focus Jeanette focus!