Happily Ever After

Today, I was hit by an emotional truck.

More than 24 years ago, I left a man who had tried to kill me. I left in the middle of the night with a hand full of diapers, my purse, and my oldest child who was just a baby.

I raised my son, for the most part, by myself. He has grown into an incredible man whom I am so proud to know. He has married a beautiful, loving woman. He has a career in the Army. He does the right thing even when it is the hard thing. I don't think any parent could ask for more.

His biological father disappeared from our lives. The last time I actually KNEW where he was, he was in the state penn in Texas. I, on the other hand, had run to the Pacific Northwest as far as I could go.

Over the years, I have tried to get child support. He always disappeared and soon enough that child grew into a man.

My son, at times, has been curious about his biological father. I've always told him when he was ready, I would help him find him.

This past week, I found him.

I sent the information to my son and his wife made contact. She has been talking with this man's wife. He has been sick over the years with cancer and his pictures show a man very broken. She was told that he is struggling with an addiction to pain killers. Something that he struggled with 24 years ago.

The bitterness I feel says...good....you deserve it. Not something I'm all that proud of really, but I've yet to hide anything from this blog so there you go.

This morning Sairbear, my daughter-in-law, called to thank me for finding him. She talked about how excited she was and how lovely his wife was.

My reaction was that my heart literally stopped. I'm sure of it. I said, "Please be very careful".

Sairbear went on to talk about how people change and it would be more family to love. I began to cry and told her I had to get off the phone.

I was angry and hurt. This man who had almost drown my son once and had tried to kill the both of us in a car wreck had gone on to have a "normal" family. He has children and grandchildren.

He has someone who loves him, is there for him, someone who is with him trying to make things easier for him.

I, on the other hand, have gone on to relationship after relationship where I was given beautiful promises only to be told I was a disappointment, only to find out the relationship was nothing I thought it was. And I have gone on to fight bitterness with a passion.

Another debris field has presented itself in my life. Something else from my past that has to be dealt with, now. I hadn't realized that all I had ever done with that relationship experience was bury it and try to build a life with my son. There was never time to fall apart.

So there I was today, I'd just been crying buckets and 19yo Reminator reminded me that I had invited him to lunch.

As we sat at the restaurant, our waitress was very nice. Reminator let me know they knew each other from high school. It was pretty obvious that she didn't recognize him. I asked why he didn't say something and he said, "Mom, that would make her feel bad and I don't want to hurt her feelings like that".

That is when it hit me again. My children are incredible people.

Yes this man will get to know his fabulous son and his delightful daughter-in-law. Yes this man avoided all the pitfalls, worries, and pain of raising this child. But you know what, I didn't. I got to see every success. I got to kiss every boo boo. I got to see that little colic baby grow into a man anyone would be proud of and no one can take that away from me.

I have a beautiful family. I have a new house. I have a career. I have pets. I have encouraging friends.

Yes, I would have rather been an at-home mom in a nice house with a husband that loved me to the moon. Happily ever after didn't happen in the normal way for me. At 48 years old, it isn't going to happen for me. I have mourned that dream repeatedly.

Still, I have to celebrate the BLISS in my beautiful life. I have a life to be proud of and a life to be enjoyed. I got happily ever after....a BLISSful happily ever after.