What the Heck!

I woke up angry this morning. For two weeks, several areas of my life have been a tad dysfunctional.

This morning, I woke up tired. I hate that.

I'm angry at my mother who has repeatedly, throughout my lifetime, told me that I'm a disappointment. It's the reason I went "no contact" with her in May of 2008. Of course, she has made no attempt to contact me so I'm sure she feels that I deserve it somehow too.

I'm angry at Nyles aka LOML aka Mr. Magoo for the simple fact that if he has a choice to make, he will, in fact, choose the option that causes the most pain to everyone involved because its the only time that he feels that he has power and control in his life.

I'm angry at my ex-husband, who never fully took responsibility for anything that he ever did and five years later is still playing the victim and wishing nothing but destruction on me. The thing is the children are beginning to see it and I don't even have to say anything.

I'm angry at my job. In two weeks time, I've begun to see it as emotionally abusive at times.

I feel old.

I've tried for so long to NOT become that bitter, angry over-forty stereotype that everyone fears becoming. Why do I feel like I have arrived?

I want someone in my life, but just the simple act of dating is a huge pain in the arse.

I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of people coming into my life and spewing their promises and other debris only to have them walk away after telling me that what I offer just isn't good enough.

From my mother to the last man I actually dated. How can I not be angry about never being good enough?

I dated a man once. Three dates. I saw potential. On the third date, he noticed a dog hair on my jacket. He made some comments about it, ended the date abruptly, and I never heard from him again.

My thought when it happened was, "What a moron to get so upset about such a little thing, how will he react about the big things".

Now my thought is, if that is the standard I have to meet to have a man in my life...well...I just don't offer perfection. I suppose I am doomed to be alone.

I had a latent memory come to the surface this morning. An ugly memory from my childhood. It was my birthday party. I was turning seven. I dropped my birthday cake on the carpet in front of my friends. I remember being terribly embarrassed. Then my mother began her pithy comments. I was sent to my room.

I remember laying on my bed crying as I listened to my friends play the party games.

I was allowed to come out to say good-bye to my friends when they went home. I can still remember the sad looks on the faces of the other mothers.

I wasn't even good enough to attend my seventh birthday party.

What happened in my sub-conscience last night that has caused this? What is it that has come to the surface and needs to be dealt with this morning? Why am I in tears about my seventh birthday party for crying out loud?

I don't want to be the bitter, angry over-forty woman that is divorced and broke and alone with cats. But I'm losing my ability to be anything else....at least this morning.

Ok, so JJ just called. Said she is stopping at Starbucks on the way to work and would I like something. Made me cry all the more. I know I have people who care about me. I know I do. Apparently my sub-consciences decided to have a rough night and forget that. Ug.