My Path - Part IV - The Blurry Year

When last we saw our heroine....yeah right....how much I wish my life was just a movie I had paid to see....instead of the life I have endured. It would be so much nicer to be able to pay my money and then go home at the end or better yet, walk out it the middle because it was just too dang painful to watch.

While the trip home from Texas really didn't give me any hope, it did make me feel good and happy that my children and I had such a fun time away from the reality and dysfunction. It was peaceful in a strange way. Still...reality lurked like a huge monster in the distance and I knew it was waiting for me.

My heart was broken. In many ways so was my mind. My spirit was depleted.

When we got back to Western Washington, the first place we went was to see my husband. The children had missed him and I knew that we needed some place to stay. I was planning on throwing myself on his mercy.

Since it was in the middle of the day, we met him in a parking lot of a gas station. I don't know why, but I've always felt like that was such an interesting place for us to meet after everything that we had both been through.

The children hugged him. He barely made eye contact with me.

I asked him if we could stay with him. He told me that I could go there and take a shower, but that he would only take the children.

We went to the house. That evening, I made dinner. He came home and ate it. After dinner, he told me to leave.

I stayed in the driveway that night. Every now and then one of the children would peek their faces out the window. It was brutal.

My children over the next few days, begged for him to let me stay in the house. I was finally allowed to sleep on the sofa.

As the days passed, I found myself falling back into old patterns. Married patterns. I found myself slipping away once again.

Somewhere along the line, we had discussions about reconciling. I started crying constantly again. The first thing to go was my cellphone. He had rules and I was in no position to disobey.

When my van broke down, that was the end. I was once again back in a situation where I had no power. It was painful, but not as painful as watching my children once again begin to suffer.

He would tell me that what I was suffering was some kind of punishment from God that I had brought on our family. Every month he would make this grandiose announcement that we were probably going to be homeless by the next month. The stress in what he called "honesty" was brutal at best, especially for the children.

I begged for counseling. He continued to refuse saying that if I would just learn to be content, all would be well. He would tell me that something was wrong with me. If I would just try to fix it, everything would be fine. If I would just get right with God, all our problems would be solved.

We never had any money. We never had any food in the house.

Several months later, I realized that I couldn't do this life anymore. I couldn't allow that life for my children anymore.

I began to look for a job via the bus. Not an easy thing especially when you are not supported by your husband.

What I remember most about that year was finding my determination. I wanted a life. I wanted a life where I wasn't punished every day. I wanted to feel safe in the arms of someone who loved me. I wanted my children to see their mother loved. I wanted my children to feel secure in their life.

I found jobs. Most of them temporary. Most of them requiring that I travel.

I was constantly seeing a big wide world out there that I was never quite able to be a part of fully. My money was once again going into an account that I had no access to at all. When I wasn't working, I was at home.

How could an educated, experienced, intelligent woman have allowed herself to become this broken person? It was a question that I began to ask myself every day.

I began to realize that my life was not what it should be and the only way it was ever going to be my life, was for me to once again run.

I didn't know how, but I was going to make my life work. I was going to make changes....for myself....for my children.

And that's the place I was in when I met Nyles....the Somatic Narcissist.