The "Independent Woman" Myth

I am an educated woman. I have a career that I have worked for the better part of 26 years. I am responsible, active, busy, and filled with contentment and joy. I am the classic independent woman.

Most of my friends are the same way.

Another of my friends lost her man today. Not lost in that he died, but lost in that he wasn’t willing to be the man that she needed him to be. She walked away because he wouldn’t take the actions needed to make the life she thought they were trying to live together. He wasn’t willing to fulfill the promises that he has made. He is telling her he is devastated. And yet, he just doesn’t seem to get that she is asking for so little. She has walked through fire for him over the last four years. He hasn’t been selfish, he just hasn’t been engaged.

This is the second friend in the last month who has endured this heart wrenching loss. The man she was involved with walked away from her after years of being together. His excuse was that he needed to experience different “kinds of women”. Is that like going to a buffet and picking and choosing what you’d like to eat, sampling it all? She placed so much of her life on hold while he has decided what he wants. Now he has decided that he doesn’t want her.

Two friends. One chose to maintain and foster her “independent woman” self. One chose to be less “independent”. They both lost and now are being forced to let go of someone. They have both loved deeply. They have invested their time and energies in the hopes of building something. They have made life decisions based on promises made.

Last night, I tried to explain to my daughter that all of life should be a balance. As I tried to explain to her why I’m not with anyone, I found it was impossible to explain. I tried to explain why these “long-term” relationships were crashing and burning all around us. I found that impossible to explain too.

If I choose to be transparent with someone…to make a conscious decision to be true to myself and share that with them…..is it wrong of me to expect any less from him?

If he wants space and freedom to pursue his dreams…is it wrong for me to expect any less from him?

If I just want one man to delight in the rest of my life…is it wrong to expect any less from him?

I intend to work hard at my next relationship. I intend to give it the attention and nurturing that I give my career or my children. But is it wrong to truly expect that I won’t, at some point, be thrown away just because he got bored?

Relationships are such a crap shoot. Will any of it stick and if I choose to put everything I have into a relationship, why can’t I expect him to cherish me as an independent woman instead of trying to turn me into a woman who designs my life around him?

I have friends who are hurting today and a daughter who is trying to find the balance between being a dependent woman and an independent woman. She is thirteen. Perhaps when she gets there, she can explain it to the rest of us.