Can You Hear That Sound in the Distance?

It's the sound of my October/November Italy trip flushing down the toilet.

WE. ARE. HOME.

Kudos to my ex-husband. He came with his truck and moved the last three big things for me at the last minute so we could call it done. The children changed their minds about keeping a couple of items. We called. He came within five minutes.

The neighbors came to me while the children and I were packing. They offered to help me move. I laughed and blurted out, "The last thing I want is for you low-lifes to know where I live". The freakin' nerve.

They got all offended and stomped off. Stupid people.

I couldn't stand it. I wrote on the wall before I left. I don't know if anyone important will see it, but I needed to vent. I wrote the following.

Sandy - You were the worst landlord I ever had. You didn't follow through on anything that you promised. You owe me a lot of money and you have done damage by not abiding by the "rent-to-own" agreement. You have not heard the last of me. Oh, and since you've stated that my deposit is "long gone", you can clean this hell hole yourself. (ok, I realize she let it go to foreclosure, but I just wanted to say my piece)

Dan - You owe me $4,000. You have acknowledge that you owe it. If I don't come after you for it, I can promise you that karma, the universe, and God will come after you. I feel so sorry for your children. I wonder, will they grow up to be thieves like their dad or drug addicts like their mom. What a legacy you are leaving them.

Natalie - You have admitted to stealing from me and then selling my things. The deputy said there is already a warrant out for your arrest. With the additional charges I am filing, you are looking at 15 years. It may be the best thing for your children.

To All the Insane People living downstairs - Isn't it a lot of effort to go through life looking for what you can take from others? Why not just go to school, get a job, and make your own way in the world? It must be a horrible life to have to steal from everyone you encounter. I can only imagine how hard it is to trust others when you can't be trusted. What a life!

To the New Owners - Get a really good security system.

When my ex-husband was here at the new house, he said, "Are you sure this is a good neighborhood? It's just so close to the main drag through this town".

I looked at him and cocked my head. I said nothing. He then said, "Well I suppose it can't be worse than where you have been".

Tonight we are home. We have met more neighbors. There is a lovely family behind us and a lovely family to the left. The children have met the single lady who lives to the right. I've met the single mom down the street.

The family to the left is Hispanic. I have spoken to the father twice. In his very broken English, he welcomed me to the neighborhood and told me that if we have a party, we must promise to invite them. I told him that if he has a party, he has to invite us because I know how good "real" tacos are. He laughed and said he would have his wife bring us some. I told him I was holding him to that.

FooFoo Faith and I went to the store tonight. I asked her if she was worried or if she thought any of the boys were worried. She said, "Not at all, you can get us through anything Mom. Don't you remember the last time you were unemployed. We didn't have any income for months. We didn't have a car. You were falling apart because of Nyles. We got through that. We have great memories of that time. Just keep your dignity. We'll be fine".

We found the missing cat this afternoon. I was concerned about finding her, but we did so all is well.

Tonight we are home. Docster is asleep at my feet. Izzy is asleep in the chair next to me. Gracie is asleep in my bed. Annie is cuddle up with the children. Misty is asleep on the fridge (she's a tad weird). Larry the Lizard is laying under the sun lamp. The children have eaten and are watching a movie.

Our new home is complete. I. AM. SO. HAPPY.

One Last Blow

We went back to the old house yesterday. One last day to move the furniture and the last of boxes. We also needed to get the cats.

Imagine my horror as I drove up to the house to see some of my furniture sitting at the curb with a sign on it...."Anything for $5".

Yes, the neighbors had broken into my house and rummaged through every room. They had stolen my son's x-box, digital camera, his high school class ring. We had dishes gone. Two boxes of toys that were packed. My rocking chair. We are still trying to assess how many other things are gone.

Ironically, they had piled a boatload of stuff by the front door, obviously coming back for more. They had taken one of my old purses and stuffed it full of my identity documents. They even messed with Diesel's ashes.

Super Sam was in tears because something special that his brother in Iraq had given him was gone. FooFoo Faith's room was ransacked. Reminator was the one who lost the most.

Sweet Mighty Max sat on the front steps with me while we waited for the police. He said, "You know how I look when I'm mad". "Yes", I said. "Well, I'm so far past that".

One of the neighbors said, "They have a storage room with a padlock on it. I'll break it off and you can see if any of your stuff is in it".

We got back dishes, pots and pans. Reminator's class ring. Inside we found several of our electronics stuff, but no x-box.

The men showed up to move us when the policeman was there. They were very sweet and moved what was left of our big things that I couldn't move by myself. They were very kind to my children.

Earlier, I had explained to the neighbors what that x-box meant to my son. It was purchased in Japan by my other son who is in the Army and given as a gift.

At about 7:30 pm as we were finishing up for the night, one of the neighbors walked up carrying a bag. It was the x-box. He told an elaborate story of a friend calling and blah, blah, blah.

All the cords are missing, but we have the x-box and somehow that is good.

In the bottom of the bag, was a pad of my banking checks.

We are going back one more time today. Between dealing with the neighbor, the cop, and digging through stolen property, we ran out of time yesterday. We need to repack some things and try and find one of the cats that is missing. She bolts for the door and...well....she is gone.

I will be filing charges. I have a case number. I told the cop that its time for them to pay. Ironically, most of them already have arrest warrants out. Wow, big surprise there. He told me that if any of them come home while I'm there, to call and they would be picked up.

I feel moments of anger, mostly because I'm a live and let live kinda gal. I want to get moved in here and never look back. I hate that old house. It is a horrible place and while it served it's purpose, it is not a good place.

One more day at the old house. New life begins tonight. We can't wait.

Broken Wings & THE Weekend

When I move into a house, I always buy a fairy. It's not like I think they have powers or something, I just think they are beautiful and lend a tone to the home.

The fairy from the last house looked sad and forlorn....as if she was crying. She was the house I recovered in for two years.

I bought the one for this house a couple of weeks before we began our move.

What I didn't realize at the time is that she "matched" this house perfectly. The color of the dress she is wearing matches the walls of the house....a delightful yellow. The moon she sits upon matches the color of the counters in the kitchen.

Yesterday morning I knocked her down. It was an accident and I still don't know exactly what I did but she dropped about five inches to the counter.

Both her wings broke. She remained in tact otherwise.

When it happened, I caught my breath. My instant thought was, "Oh my gawd, that is a terrible omen for today. What is going to happen in this house?" I instantly corrected myself. I told myself that I'm in store for only good things and the dread that I now feel is just my past creeping into my present.

Off to work I went. I haven't blogged yet about why I lost my job. When I do, I'm sure most of you will find it shocking. I've already spoken to my friend who is an attorney. I'll tell that story when I can think about it and not cry.

For now, I want to talk about the fairy. Last night, when my family was trying to come to terms with the loss of my job, as my daughter and I talked she held the fairy.

She wanted to know if I was going to buy another one. I asked her if we throw people away when they break. Never was her answer. I think we should keep her and display her proudly. Even with broken wings, she still has her smile and looks peaceful. She still sits proudly on her moon waiting for the next thing. I think we should hang her with the rest of the faeries and enjoy her anyway.

Today is the anniversary of the hurricane Katrina. This is the anniversary of several personal hurricanes for me.

Four years ago today I left Texas. I was running from abuse. I was running period. You can read about it here .

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the day that Nyles jettisoned me. You can read about it here .

Now I've lost my job. Somehow I find it interesting that it occurred on this weekend.

I suppose I should be a heap on the floor. Reality is...45 minutes after I got home I'd already applied for unemployment.

I also had negotiated a severance package getting four weeks pay. That is a miracle because in 15 years they have never paid a severance package at all.

I had also called my boss because I wanted the assurance that he would sign off on my getting unemployment and not fight it in any way. He emailed me in writing that he would.

My lupus is flaring. The pain I'm feeling is excruciating. The children let me sleep in. Thems good people. But still I can't stop to be sick.....

Larry the Lizard needs crickets.

The girls, aka the cats, are still at the old house and need to be moved today.

Reminator needs new shoes.

Today is the last day of our move. We will be arriving at 1 pm to finish up packing. The men who are coming to move the furniture will be there at 4 pm. By tonight, we will be home in this house.

Tonight, I will make dinner, laugh with children, hug animals, anticipate my new job and delight in my life.

Life goes on and I refuse to have a bad day. I refuse to have a bad life....broken wings and all. The fairy just won't let me.

Not a Good Day

I was just let go.

The reason...the silent partner doesn't like me. Nevermind that he hasn't spoken to me in five months or been in the office in over six. He apparently doesn't like me.

I wanted to believe that life was going to become calm for me. I'm just not allowed.

Things Heard at My House This Week

On Fridays, I usually post things that I know for sure. The last couple of Fridays I've learned that I know very little for sure and more importantly, I've learned that I see in gray most days. So instead....I'm going to post some of the insane things heard at my house this week. My home is a funny place. That is one thing that I know FOR SURE.
_________________________

Me: It’s too sunny today.

Reminator: Well you know how that pesky, life-giving, ball of light can be. Total darkness would be so much better.
_________________________

Mighty Max to his twin brother:
Why do you complain all the time, why don’t you complain about something important like world peace?
_________________________

Mighty Max: Super Sam is complaining again. He is always complaining about everyone else. He expects everyone else to do what he wants. He just goes on and on complaining all the time. I don’t understand it. Complain, complain, complain.

Me: You aren’t complaining about him are you?

Mighty Max: Nevermind.
_________________________

Super Sam: I love this bathroom. It’s so big, it makes me want to poo.
_________________________

Me : Can I have one of your hot pockets?

Reminator: Watch out they are addicting. They are evil and you won’t be able to eat just one because they make you want them. Evil I say.

FooFoo Faith: I thought you went to bed.

Me: I’m up now, I couldn’t sleep, I’m hungry.

Reminator: See they are calling to you already.

FooFoo Faith: They aren't good for you.

Me: I’m only going to have one. (For the record, it sucked and wasn't worth it).
__________________________

Me: I remember being like that when I was younger.

20-something
neighbor: How old are you if you don’t mind my asking?

Me: I’m 48.

Her: Oh my gawd! I thought you were in your early thirties.

Me: You are obviously blind and not a good judge of age. Have you seen my boobs, fat and other assorted body parts?

Her: I can’t believe you are that old. How did you do it?

Me: I’ve decided that’s why I can’t lose weight. If I do lose it, I’ll be all wrinkly and pruney when my skin doesn’t snap back.

Her: You are so funny.

Me: Yeah, you can do that when you are old because you don’t give a rip what people think of ya.

I'm a Heroine!

Or at least the friend who sent these to me thinks so..... way beyond fun!

The Journey Continues....

Two years ago next week, Nyles jettisoned me. Two years of healing. Last night, in the midst of moving, I found an old journal book. I’m going to post three of my journal entries each written about a year after the one before. When you read them, I hope you see the beautiful progression that I see. This is an “R” rated posting by the way.

November 18, 2007 (Before I had heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

It’s been two months. I think I’m finally getting answers from Nyles. Why does he yank my chain and why do I feel like I’m never quite getting the truth? What is wrong with him?

Can’t sleep again. I was told today that I need to move on. How do I do that when the person that should be giving me closure and answers won’t do so? How do I turn off feelings, desire, hopes and dreams? Plans that we made TOGETHER. I made decisions based on his promises. Promises that he threw away. Now I’m left with the debris field of those decisions.

Today, he told me that we could still be friends if I didn’t “fuck” it up. I asked him what that meant exactly. He gave me a laundry list of things that I had done to make him feel uncomfortable…that made Jenn feel uncomfortable. Hello? She is living in my home, sleeping in my bed, with my man. I’ve made her feel uncomfortable?

It was hours later that I realized that I did nothing to “fuck up” our relationship. I’ve done nothing to deserve anything that I’ve received as of late.

That revelation made me so mad! I received two emails from him and chose to answer neither. The last time I saw him, I asked why he would want to be friends with me when I was so easily replaceable. He told me that he wanted me there in case he needed me.

Why does he see me as someone who somehow owns what went wrong between us and then as someone he can take off the shelf somewhere down the road?

Wednesday night, he told me that what happened between him and Jenn was an accident. How can that be? He didn’t accidentally put a single’s ad out there. He certainly didn’t accidentally go to the festival with her. And he most definitely didn’t accidentally sleep in my bed with her.

I just feel so devalued. He took so much from me and chose to throw me away before giving anything back. He took from me as if I was only there to serve his needs.

I am dying here. My heart is so broken, I may never be whole again. All I want is someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, someone that I can feel safe with, I’ve never had it and it feels like it’s not going to happen anytime soon.

It’s after 2 am. No job, no love, no money. I’m crying out to God. Please forgive me. Please help me make my life right. Please give me sleep...rest…peace.

August 22, 2008 (After learning about narcissism, understanding but still no closure)

It’s been almost a whole year. A whole year of tears and pain. I am very tired of it. Very tired of it indeed. Interestingly enough, I don’t feel so tired. I’m working hard now in a job I truly love. A good job that pays me well.

I’ve learned so much about narcissism. I feel like an expert. I don’t want to know anymore.

I want more for my life. I made so many investments in people that I have loved. I feel like I have gotten back so much of nothing but pain. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

This past year, I have spent crying. The whole damn year. I’m done with that. I want to begin working on my weight and my life. I want to focus on who I am. My head knows what I’m all about and that I was abused. I guess my heart needs time to catch up.

Now, I do believe that I will be alone the rest of my life. I have loved deeply, but perhaps I am just not meant to feel real love from a man that would give me what would make me happy. Perhaps there just isn’t to be someone in my life like that.

Tonight, I am home alone. The house is quiet. I hear the dogs. I’ve cuddled the cats and watched a movie. It is peaceful.

If I was with Nyles, I would be out and about trying to keep up with him. It would be all about him. I would be feeling exhausted as I always did with him. And yet, he would be expressing how unhappy he is with everything and I would be wracking my brain trying to come up with things to please him. A never filled bucket with a big whole in the bottom. I heard someone describe him like that once. Such a true statement now.

I’m in my jammies. I’ll go to bed when I want in the quite moment when I’m ready. It will be wonderful to snuggle into my bed with a book and hear…..nothing.

Yes it has been a year of tears, but I am past the puddle on the floor stage. I am now as angry as hell. I feel so full of hate and rage. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I need to spend some concentrated time on working through all that. I don’t want a life of hate.

I hate Nyles. I’ve never hated anyone in my life. Ironically, Nyles had told me that I would eventually hate him because every woman he was ever with ended up hating him. Too funny really. I told him I’d never hated anyone. He told me that he would be the first.

Getting through the hate with thankfulness, so my therapist says….yeah right.

What am I thankful for:

My beautiful children. I’m so proud to be their mother. It is a complete delightful job to parent them.

My job. It is one where I can grow, but at the same time, I feel like my skills are valued.

My house. It is old and odd and not what I want because Nyles chose it, but it pleases me to have it just the same.

My new life. I have been given so much and a new chance at happiness. I don’t know how it is all going to work out, but it is time to take it.

August 25, 2009 (After understanding, closure, and learning that it really wasn't me)

Last night, the children and I were at the old house packing and cleaning. We’ve spent our first night at the new house. It was beyond beautiful.

Super Sam made the comment that “this house never felt like home” while we packed. He said he was ok with starting a new school because now we have a house where our family could just love each other.

This morning in the shower, I just stood there. I felt the hot water running over my body. I turned it hotter. Too hot really. It felt like I was waking up from a long dark nightmare. It felt so good. I felt so happy.

I kept thinking that I want to someday be one of those older dignified women who is alone. They go where they want when they want. I used to watch them in church when I was younger and think…how sad that they are alone. Now, I see the value of it.

Would I like to have someone in my life? I would never turn a good man away, but I also don’t think I will ever look for one again. All around me I see selfishness. I refuse to hear anymore how I’m not meeting someone else’s expectations. If it isn’t easy and comfortable, well I’m just so happy to be alone.

I now want to live my life in a way that is fulfilling and joyful; a life that blesses me because I do that which I feel drawn to do.

I have lovely new neighbors. Two doors down, one of FooFoo Faith’s friends thinks there may be a grandmother type living there that she knows. I’m going to make contact with her this weekend. The children and I are going to bake cookies and take them to all our new neighbors this weekend.

I keep asking myself if it is wrong to feel this happy and at peace. I keep wondering if it is just setting me up to hit some huge brick wall. And then I remind myself of all the work done over the last two years, all the healing that has taken place. Those thoughts are just my past invading my present space and it isn’t the truth. I don’t have to believe it at all.

I’m such a different person. I am so glad. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s ok to have good things in my life. I deserve good things. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have peace. I can’t wait to see what’s next in my life.

First Night, New House

We've moved three loads into the new house. The children decided we would be happier in the new house without beds and furniture since we don't care about "stuff". The "stuff" won't be arriving until Wednesday. Just for the record, I care about "stuff", but they were just so funny with their argument.

We did move my daughter's mattress so that I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. Her idea...she's a good kid.

The children are so excited about the move. They just want to "get there".

As we left the old town last night, my car got egg'd. Gotta laugh. It was such a wonderful vision of how I'd felt living there.

For two years, I have mourned the loss of a man who did nothing but destroy my life and then tell me that I deserved it. I didn't deserve it and I have come to the understanding that he is disordered and will never change. He has gone onto others and I am better because of it.

For two years, I mourned the loss of my marriage. I will never be the stay-at-home mom that I wanted to be as a young woman. I will never have the PTA, baking with the kids, being loved by my husband lifestyle that I have always dreamed of and that is ok.

My BLISS is something different. It is not what I thought it would be, but it is beautiful and I will cherish every moment of it.

Two of my neighbors came by last night. One is married, in school with two children. The other is a mid-twenties single mom. We chatted for two hours while sitting on my hard living room floor.

I learned that I have another option for which school my children can go to, I wasn't thrilled with the first option. I learned where the best coffee shop is. I laughed....with my NEIGHBORS.

My children ran through this huge three story house unpacking. The neighbor children ran through the house helping them unpack. The dog running after them.

Laughter was everywhere.

Later on, my 19 yo showed up with two of his friends. The joking and laughter was coming from every room of the house.

Last night, I fell asleep exhausted. I drifted off thinking about peace and the "feel" of the new house. It was perfect.

This morning, I peeked into the den. A mass of teenager bodies surround by my children. Apparently, we had a late night slumber party. I know it happened. All the junk food is gone. I smiled.

I took a 30 minute hot shower, my first since May. It was perfect.

The garage door opener wouldn't work this morning. I smiled. If that was my biggest frustration today, I'm good.

I've already made friends with my neighbors. My children have already made friends.

A chapter in my life is closed. Heck, the whole book has been slammed shut.

BLISS, I'm so THERE!

I HAVE KEYS!!!!!!!! Nuff Said!

Jumpstart to BLISS - Part III

Ok, so we've established that today is whining day.....

Although I just went and made a payment on the new house, somehow that made me feel a whole lot better. I was inside of it and will be picking up the keys tomorrow morning. I could smell resolution somehow.....

Back to BLISS.....

Step 3: Recruit a support squad.

For me, loneliness has long bee a part of my personal story. I've always done everything alone because I've pretty much always been alone even when I'm in a relationship. This year, I've developed relationships that would have otherwise not valued. I have a group of friends. We call ourselves the TOW Ring and we work really hard to support each other no matter what. Diverse backgrounds and insane stories aside, I have really enjoyed this group of women.

I am also making contact again with a woman that I consider my dearest friend. She lives 3000 miles away and we've lost contact over the years, but we are both reach out to the other right now. I know I can support her and she has a history of supporting me. I value her deeply.

At work, I have one friend. She and I can laugh about everything that seems to go on there. We have been known to make a funny at the most inappropriate times. It's important to go THERE sometimes.

A support squad is vitally important. Good friends can bring you calm and peace. Good friends can help you see that the direction you are going isn't the right one. Good friends will help you celebrate your BLISS.

Thank goodness that on days like today, I have my support squad in place.

Jumpstart to BLISS - Part II

So focusing on BLISS because if I think too much about the dysfunction today, I think my head will explode...

Looking at BLISS as something to be experienced and achieved, there is a ton of written stuff explaining how to get into a place to receive BLISS. While I think that BLISS is something that you "find" and "experience", if you aren't ready to "receive" it and "recognize" it....well I, for one, think I am at risk of missing the boat.

This last couple of weeks, my reading has taken me through several steps on how to get ready to find your BLISS....to jumpstart the process, so to speak. So here we go....get ready....

Step 1: Dissect your past so you can direct your future.

I have a hard time viewing what the status of my life without the filter of my past. Problem is my past is filled with disordered people and what I hear in my self-talk is often much more negative than it needs to be. I own that which I have been told to own whether I should or not. We all do until we get to a place where we say ENOUGH.

My reluctance to see a situation as it is, or as it once was, doesn't change the circumstances, it just makes it harder for me to see how it has shaped me.

My past is filled with people telling me I wasn't good enough and that I would never have what I wanted because I didn't deserve it. THEY WERE WRONG. They are wrong now. Those situations were wrong. Still, it impacts my now.

For years, I made excuses for my mother's behaviors and her blaming me for being a disappointment. She had a "hard" life and sometimes I was a disappointment. She was the beginning of my life, but still her blaming me for her hard life was wrong. I was a child and she liked being the victim. It wasn't my fault. I don't have to own that anymore.

Being able to clearly look at my past and see it for what it was without making excuses for their behavior is what will rewrite my future.

Step 2: I need to link internal clarity with external action.

I am failing at this step in my life right now. I can clearly see what my life has been and how I need to change, still moving to the external action part seems to be escaping me at the moment. While I see what needs to be done, life still seems to be as dysfunctional as ever even though I KNOW I'm moving forward.

I don't want movement for the sake of motion if I don't know where I'm going. That has been the basis of my life for years. Movement to please everyone else is just motion.....and it's not forward.

It is the linking of internal clarity with external action that will be the cornerstone of my transformation. I know that. I know that. I know that. That link will create insight to know where I want to go and the action steps to get me there.

More to follow.....I just need to ponder it for a bit.

Jumpstart to BLISS - Part I

Rough day today....rough week.

I need to spend some time focusing on BLISS because quite frankly, no matter how positive I get and no matter how much I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't seem to make it work. Ironically, my ex-husband thinks that is pretty cool as he told me that my life would be a train wreck without him. So every set back, every rough patch is validation for him that I'm a failure without him. Funny, he isn't even the ex-narcissist in my life.

Just some of the things that have happened to me this week....

My car started leaking oil last Sunday. I have two payments left. Now I know that it already needs a $2500 transmission that I am putting off as I thought that I would just get a new car a month or so after I was done moving. I just came home from the garage and the oil leak is an $800 fix. Not even on the radar.

I've put in 12 quarts of oil since last Monday morning. Yeah, it's a bad leak.

I cried all the way home. It's funny how every little set back takes me right back to the voice in my head that belongs to my narcissistic mother. She was always quick to point out what a failure I am, how I would never make a man happy and how I would always be alone. That is the reason we haven't spoken in almost two years.

Still, it hurts not to have family for support.

I work a job where I am the enforcer and the company bad guy. It doesn't help that the good ol' boy club is in full swing. I guess they didn't get the memo that we are in the new millennium.

My boss, the President, and I were talking yesterday. He told me I hadn't been on my game in about three months and he needed to know what was going on. I reminded him that last May I told him that I would only be working 40 hours all summer and what he was seeing was the result of my not working 60 hours a week. He told me he had forgotten about that.

We did talk about how I don't like being the bad guy all the time and I hate how all the employees seem to hate me.

His response was to tell me that I was hired to be the "bitch" and it's my job to make sure they do their jobs and if I don't do my job, he'll find someone who is willing to be the "bitch". I'm really rather appalled that he managed to use that word twice in one sentence, but it is a construction company so...whatever.

So swell, I don't have family support and I don't have supportive friends at work.

I began to ponder BLISS yesterday. It's a place I go when I can no longer cope with anything.

What is it I'm facing.....

We are moving to a new house. At the moment, the only help I have for moving is my children in a van that is leaking oil.

The twins school is more than a mile away. We are apparently too close for them to ride the bus. A mile is too far for them to walk. I am now trying to find childcare. Not an expense I was anticipating.

My 19yo is having trouble staying in college. I told him I would help him pay for it, but it just hasn't come together. He had decided at one point that he was dropping out. When he decided that he wanted to continue, life had changed the money wasn't there.

I need a new car. I knew it already, but this week is not the week that I had planned to deal with it.

My Lupus is flaring on a weekly basis. Always seems to be worse when it is hot, so I am very thankful that the weather has cooled as the pain and exhaustion are horrible and I can't stop my life to rest.

It appears my crazy neighbors have moved out. I am angry about that. These people have taken so much from me and they never once suffered for it. My grand plan was to move out and leave them with nothing turned on. It looks like it will not happen. Like most narcissistic people, they waltz off to the next thing in their life not giving one thought to who or what has been left in their wake. They owe me $4000. It is money I will never see. I must mourn that loss and move forward.

I'm not in a good frame of mind today. I'm not counting my blessings, because I'm not sure I see them. I hate when I feel like that.

I'm angry....at the stupid neighbors....at my ex-husband....at Nyles....at Gene....at my mother. All people that made promises. All people that I trusted. All people that screwed me over and told me that I was stupid to have believed them. All people who have told me that I have gotten what I deserve.

I have been thinking alot lately about all the good I've done in my life. The sacrifices I've made for others. Up until recently, I gave without a second thought. Now, I wonder where my life would have been if I had been more selfish. I don't like that thought process. I don't like it at all.

Ug. I know this will pass. It always does. I will suck it up, put my big girl panties on and forge ahead. Still, I could use a run of blessings, good luck, good karma, love. Perhaps you could all send some my way. As always....prayers welcome.

BLISS is far from me today. Focus Jeanette focus!

For Miss Jeeves.....

I don't know if you've seen this....I know it's not exactly right....but it made me think of you!

Everyone Should Have One

Gotta get me one of those.....not the drink.....the cheering section.....

Dear Mr. President,

I know that you are busy with running the country and everything. I also know that you really aren’t all that concerned with one 24 year old kid who has now been to the sandbox in Iraq at least three times that I know of….he has gone and not told me before because.…well….I worry.

But he has a Purple Heart now and a beautiful wife and well….they want to begin their family.

I just wanted you to know because when you promised to bring the troops home….well I didn’t realize that you didn’t understand that we don’t live in Afghanistan.

Just sayin'….

___________________________________

1. I’m getting healthier mentally and physically.

2. Flaggers at construction sites can be ever so annoying.

3. I have the ability to complicate even the simplest things.

4. If I expect the worst in people, I get the worst behavior.

5. If I expect the best in people, I sometimes still get the worst behavior.

6. Nice single guys do exist…well…at least one anyway.

7. My children are growing up too fast.

8. I should have put away more money when I was younger. Compound interest was not something I could get into back then.

9. Moving is a pain no matter how wonderful the end result is going to be.

10. I love McDonald’s Sausage McMuffins. Food straight from the bowels of hell should not taste that good.

Sigh. Rough week at work. I think we’ve established that this is not a feel good all the time blog. You’ll get over it.

Normal?

I went out to dinner with someone tonight. Someone NORMAL. And yes, I put him under the microscope, I've been with disordered people....it's what I do.

He is so NORMAL. Did I say that?

I actually put an ad on CraigsList. I do that periodically because I'm bored and have a ridiculous need to observe human nature. Of course it gives me tons of blogging material too.

Did I tell you he was NORMAL?

Now I usually am looking for an exit strategy 4.2 seconds after any date begins, often asking myself why the heck I'm doing this when I can be home cuddling children and my dog.

Still, I get bored, in goes the ad and then next thing I know I'm on a series of dates with completely weird people validating the fact that I will be single FOREVER.

NORMAL....this man was NORMAL!

So dinner.....three hours. We laughed. Talked about things best left to the third or fourth date (kids and ex's) and just generally had a good time. A great time.

He asked me about my writing. I told him about my book. Articles I've written. Even my blog.

He said, "Let me get this straight. You write a blog about narcissism.".

Me: "Yes, recovery from narcissistic abuse is the hardest thing to get over. I write so that I can get it all out and perhaps help someone else".

Him: "A blog about your experience with narcissism".

Me: "Yes, yes it is, yes I do".

Huge pause....I could tell that we were both coming to the same conclusion. Ahem....a blog about my experience with narcissism is a tad narcissistic.

I laughed and said, "It may be the only place on earth that it's all about me".

At the end of the evening, I said, "Shall we do something like this again?"

Him: "Yes, I'd like that. I gotta think of something social for us to do so you'll open up".

Me: "Open up?"

Him: "Sometimes you are evasive when you answer questions, you are scared, rightfully so. You just need to get to a place where you realize I'm no threat".

Oh boy, someone who may get it.

As he walked me to my car, he said, "I'll call you".

I drove out of the parking lot. Cranked my music and sang all the way home. When I got home, there was a message on my cell phone, apparently the music was exceptionally loud.

"Hi, just wanted to thank you for the great company. I had a lot of fun and would like to do it again. I know I'm calling fifteen minutes after we parted, but I didn't want you to spend one minute wondering if I was actually going to call you. Let's do something again and you are going to have to help me come up with something. Give me a call". (My paraphrase)

I waited a bit, mostly because I needed to put my mommy hat on. I called. We chatted for a few minutes.

He's just so NORMAL.

Of course, I'm up at 3:30 am blogging about it. Perhaps, I'm not so NORMAL. Too funny.

RED FLAG #1 - Just Listen

Red Flag #1

“Within a very short time,

people will tell you who they are.

Listen to them”.

The problem with empathetic people is that they often hear what they are told and then that caring heart kicks in, not always a good thing.

Gene, the Cerebral Narcissist, told me very early on in a phone conversation that he was better alone and his life was such that he just thought he’d always be alone.

Nyles, the Somatic Narcissist, told me on one of our first dates that every woman he had ever been with had ended up hating him in the end.

In both instances, what I heard from both of them was….they just haven’t met the right woman, that the right woman would bring love and peace into his life. Problem was, neither of them said that.

What I know now is that Gene is so violent, no woman could possibly be with him long-term. It would just be too dangerous.

I also now know that Nyles spends so much of his time juggling so many women by lying, that only women with an extremely low self-esteem and an ability to overlook the most grievous transgressions could ever be with him long term.

When I was in the thick of trying to detach from Nyles because he was still married and now living with a completely different woman, I asked him why he was with so many women at the same time and did he ever THINK about whatever woman he was “committed” to while he was sleeping with someone else. Ok, I didn’t know at the time that he was sleeping with so many others, but there you go.

His response at the time was that, no he did not think about anyone else. He went on to explain that he got involved with so many women because he could see that they were vulnerable and hurting and he could make them feel better and teach them how to feel loved.

I told him at the time that he was not helping anyone, but taking already hurting people and destroying them further. Then I blurted out, “Do you think you cum has healing powers or what”.

His response, “I know I’m doing good in this world by helping these women”.

It was at that moment, I remembered what he had told me initially. Women that love him deeply always end up hating him. He told me what and who he was right in the beginning. I just wasn’t listening.

If I’m ever going to have healthy relationships as a whole, I must learn to recognize the Red Flags quickly.

This one is fairly easy. I now listen more in all of my relationships. I’m worth the effort in doing so.

Looking inward is hard work. Understanding why I went into these relationships in the first place is excruciatingly painful to evaluate. But knowing that the outcome is going to be a healthier me….well that just makes it worth it don’t you think?

Mirroring & the Narcissist

One of the worst things about a relationship with the narcissist is that in the beginning, it is just so good. Then, on a moment’s notice when you least expect it, you will find that you all of a sudden aren’t measuring up. The criticisms just begin and don’t seem to stop. One moment he is telling you that you are the best thing that ever happened to him; the best sex, the dream come true, the one.

The next, you are being told how you need to change this or that. The eye rolling and sighing begins. It just becomes more and more brutal in very subtle ways. A systematic destruction of your self-confidence because all you want to do is please this person and make him happy.

The rest of the relationship becomes a constant battle to twist you into a pretzel trying to please this person who is perpetually unhappy and will never, ever, ever be content.

Narcissists are eternally dissatisfied.

How can you ever hope to please someone that is always going to be unhappy?

You could meet their expectations, but the weird thing about narcissists is that their expectations are ever changing.

An example is that I wanted to live in the country on a lake. I’ve always wanted that. The last narcissist would tell me that he would never live anywhere except in a condo in the city because his wife had always made him live in a house in the suburbs and he was going to spend the rest of his life living where he wanted.

Because I loved him, I was willing to give up my dream. Every time I brought it up, he shot it down in a very condescending way.

When I met the woman who posted the CraigsList_Ad , she said, “What happened to our dream together of living in the country on a lake? He wanted to live in the country on a lake so bad”.

And that my friend is mirroring, they take whatever they can from your personality…your dreams, your mannerisms, your “style” and make it their own.

It happens very quickly and you fall in love with someone who is showing you a picture of yourself. They then take the best that was you and use it to pretend a life with someone else.

A narcissist is empty. They are shells because they are so insecure they stuff down who they really are. They can’t take criticism of any kind, so it is a lifetime of hiding their real self and mirroring others.

Now here is the beauty of recovery from an NPD relationship!

All that you loved about that person, those parts that brought your heart joy, those moments that were tender…..those were not real with the narcissist. He was mirroring you. He had picked up the very best of you and was mirroring it back to you.

BUT, when you fell in love with the very best of him, you were…in reality…falling in love with you.

Narcissists do not have the ability to be intimate or loving. It is all an act. When you saw him being that way, he was mirroring.

I have learned that I am a beautiful, loving person. No one can take that from me. What I can do is learn the red flags I need to learn to keep narcissistic personalities far from me. What I can learn from this is that I am an incredible person able to love and be intimate and share my life in a fabulous way.

You can too. I promise.

We Must Come Up with a Name for HER!

Calling her the "Out of Control, Brutal, 13 year old, Fitness, Guru Trainer" is going to get tiresome. I'm entertaining a new name so suggestions welcome.....

I got home to a nice pile on my bed. Not just my shirt, pants and shoes, but my sportsbra, socks and because she knows I won't run with my hair down, everything I needed to put it up.

I tried to give about ten excuses about why I shouldn't have to go. She countered with ten reasons why I needed to do it. In the end, she pouted and I knew she right so I went to change clothes.

I asked her if she had read my blog. What did she say, "YES, YOU WENT TO MCDONALDS?" She didn't seem to mind that I'd basically called her Attila the Fitness, Guru Trainer. She asked me if she was going to have to follow me around so I would do the right thing and eat properly. I tried to give her excuses, she countered.

So we went to the school. I did a mile and a half. I feel completely sweaty and wiped out. Healthier, but sweaty and wiped out. Shhhhhh, don't tell her.

Don't Let the Adorable Cuteness Fool You!

My daughter, FooFoo Faith, can be ruthless. How can a sweet, adorable, lovely little girl be so mean to her mother? I know it is only because she cares and on some level I appreciate it. But still, the stink-pot can be ruthless. Ok, so I don’t appreciate it.

One of her friends lost her mother to breast cancer. I couldn’t quite get the details out of my daughter, but I know for sure that it fired her up on some level.

This weekend, FooFoo decided that she was going to “help” me get into shape. God help me.

My history is such that I have never been thin. I’ve always been rather short and stubby, but I’m happy with myself and while I would like to be healthier....being tall, thin and gorgeous just has never been in the cards.

So in one of my “let’s get healthy phases”, I attempted and was training for a ½ marathon. Way back in 2006.

It was at that point that there was a freak accident on a beautiful Saturday at the beach. I cracked a few vertebrae and that became my excuse for giving up running, walking, and any other kind of exercise that I may or may not have ever been interested in.

Ok, I get that after a year or so, it became an excuse, but I still have pain occasionally and I’m lazy. I own that.

This weekend, FooFoo shared with me that she is worried and doesn’t want me to die. I would agree that I am so not ready to die.

So now I’m eating healthy.

Ok, I had McDonald’s on the way to work, but geesch…sometimes that is the ONLY thing that brings me joy and since I now have to do it secretly…well….there you go.

Still I ate a healthy lunch and for the most part, I cooked healthy meals all weekend. That’s more than I normally do. A little credit here people!

So I’m eating healthy for crying out loud. Now she has informed me that we will begin exercising every day after work by going to the school and running the track. She has informed me that she will have my clothes and shoes ready for me when I get home.

Whoopie! Apparently I now have some out of control, brutal, 13 year old, fitness guru trainer riding my butt without mercy.

I’m so…cough….cough….gag….excited.

She reads my blog. All I can say is.....good.

Oh....and I love you honey!

Best Laid Plans

Sunday's plan of action:

1. Wake EARLY.
2. Wake children EARLY.
3. Make a healthy breakfast.
4. Pack HARD all morning.
5. Make healthy lunch.
6. Pack HARD all afternoon.

Sunday's reality:

1. Wake up at 11:00 am.
2. Cuddle with children and dog.
4. Laugh with children and dog.
5. Lay in bed watching T.V. with children and dog.
6. It's 12:30....who wants McDonald's?

Sometimes....reality is way better!

There Should Be a Law

Jalapeno poppers after 11:00 pm should be outlawed for anyone over the age of 40.

Ahem....nuff said.

Anticipation

I will do a massive push for packing this weekend. We can actually take possession of the house on the 25th as the folks in the house are being delayed a bit. I don't care really. I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I can see that not only is the page turning and the chapter ending, but the entire book is closing on this time in my life. I am excited about the new life and changes therein. The children are excited about the fresh life laid out before us. Anticipating all the good to come. Will it be easy and perfect? Heck no! Never is, but it will be good and it will be different. Most of all it will be beautiful ....and narcissist free and that will make it wonderful.

What I know for sure this Friday....

1. When my boss takes time off and then comes in for ONE DAY before he takes another week off, well it feels quite like some kind of terrorist attack and creates the same amount of confusion, discomfort, and chaos.

2. Taking a hot shower and sleeping in my new house will feel like paradise. The anticipation is fabulous!

3. Nothing ever goes smoothly the first time, but that’s ok because sometimes we all need a do-over anyway.

4. Simple blessings are always the best.

5. If you take meat out of the freezer and put it in the fridge, it will supernaturally gravitate to the back of the fridge and be forgotten.

6. Meat left in the back of the fridge for too long stinks up the whole fridge.

7. Post-it notes are the absolute best invention ever.

8. Nineteen year old children may think they are adults and able to make their own decisions, but reality is they still need their mom…..and that is ok by me.

9. People are just funny.

10. When you are truly at the end of your rope and call out to people, those that comfort and respond really are the greatest friends you'll ever have. That's for the TOW Ring....you know who you are.