The Joy Diet - Week 1 - NOTHING

Jamie_Ridler_Studios is hosting a book club featuring The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. It's not too late to join us. Here are my journaled thoughts after the first week...

Life is so calm these days. I've started to wonder if I'm living a delusion. The house is constantly filled with laughter, love, and food. It's as if we lack nothing at all. Still, reality is we have no income and now no car. It seems insane to me that I am not angst ridden and worrying. I suspect that most people would be driven quite crazy at this point.

Here I am. In the quiet. In the stillness. With peace in my heart and a smile on my face.

The first chapter of the book was to learn to do nothing.

Nothing, or the doing of nothing, was something I thought I would have trouble with, but then I realized I am blessed with the ability to do nothing and like it.

With a little effort I can quiet my mind and listen to that still small voice inside of me.

My problem is that I don't hardly ever obey it even when I know I should be. I'm hoping I move towards that ability.

As I strive for more joy and creativity in my life, I'm hoping that I will learn to listen to that still voice and then obey the thoughts that it conveys.

On to the next chapter....TRUTH.

Alarm Systems & Dreamy Cops

So when I moved into this fine home that I love so much, I was asked if I wanted the alarm system left on. The answer was no because...well...it's technical and I don't do technical. Hence, when my computer crashes, I go out and buy another one.

Anyhoo. FooFoo decided to take a shower tonight and as 13yo girls do, they use every drop of hot water in the tank to steam up a quarter square mile of the surrounding area.

Now normally, the bathroom door stays closed and all that yucky steam goes right out the window, but tonight Mighty Max needed something from the bathroom and that is when all hell broke loose at my house.

First thing that happened was the alarm went off on all three floors of the house. It was deafening. The kind of high pitched noise that makes your left eye begin to twitch before it explodes right out the socket.

I tried calling the previous owner to get the "code". Answering machine.

I tried calling the alarm company who said they couldn't turn it off until I could give them the "code". As an alternative, they told me they would be able to help me if the police were there.

The new millennium, I can solve any problem myself, woman I am was not about to call the police for help. Good grief, I wasn't even being robbed. So I did what any red-blooded American woman would do.....I took a hammer to it.

Just before the first blow, Reminator said, "You are so going to regret this".

Ok, so now I had an alarm hanging three feet down my wall that was no longer ringing....for about 30 seconds.

Did you know that when you try to disable an alarm system, it just causes the alarm to move up in pitch and frequency? Ahem...neither did I.

Hello 911, our non-working alarm system is going off please send help.

Twenty minutes later, the cutest lieutenant walked into my house. If I wasn't deaf by then, I'm pretty sure he would have had the most dreamy voice. I'm pretty sure I would have thrown myself at him in any other situation, but it just didn't seem appropriate in this one.

We called the alarm company. They asked for all his information and called the police department to "verify". Twenty minutes later.....

I said, "I'm going to need a glass of wine when this is over". His response, "A beer sounds pretty good too".

Did they then give him the "code" once he was "verified"? No, they asked for the secret word. Ahem.

When the Dreamy Cop reminded them that we didn't have any information, they gave him a bunch of information. He then turned to me and asked if we had a screwdriver and some tape. Dreamy McGyver Cop...I like the ring.

I had already explained the hammer thing and he had laughed his butt off. I couldn't resist taking a potshot at his screwdriver. He took the hit like a man.

He ran downstairs to the basement. Came back up. Ran downstairs.

He said there was some box in the master bedroom closet. I pointed him in the direction.

After a bit, I went into check on him. Hey, I had a dreamy McGyver cop in my bedroom, who wouldn't check on him.

He was standing in my closet, in my dirty clothes, telling the lady, "Do I need to remind you that you have already verified that I am a police officer?"

Two hours after the alarm went off, he finally cut the red wire....not the blue one mind you and as long as they don't touch the alarm should stay off. No touching of wires....got it.

As he stepped out of the dirty clothes, my underwear was wrapped around his shoe. Yes ladies and gents, Dreamy Cop had my underwear WRAPPED AROUND HIS SHOE. Not the lacey stuff that is expensive and beautiful.....oh no.....the old, dingy granny panties that I wear when I'm feeling old and granny like. Damn.

I thought I was going to die. All I could think to say was, "Let me help you with that" which put me on my knees square in front of him. Him saying, "That didn't have to be so complicated, you sure do make things hard".

We both froze. Dead silence. He was out the door within 25 seconds. Never was I so glad. My two older children are still laughing.

Make Decisions. Make Mistakes.

At the kitchen table during homework time, my daughter asked me what I wanted to be when I was in 8th grade. She had an assignment. Find out what your parents wanted to be and why they didn't become that "career".

"I wanted to be a mom and a wife".

"So you became what you wanted".

"Not exactly, I wanted to be an at home mom. It never worked out, but I did get the education and career that most at home moms seem to want. Oh and I got the best kids in the world. So I suppose I have adapted what I wanted to what I got".

This morning, I found some of her notes on the kitchen table left over from her writing. I didn't say any of this, but this is what she took from our conversation.....

"Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to be remembered as. Make decisions. Make mistakes.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past."

Pretty deep for an 8th grader, don't you think?

Job Hunt Week #3

Resumes Sent: 9
Phone Calls: 0
Responses: 0
Attitude: We had a major run of the flu this past week.

Job hunting took a back seat to being a mom.

I'm ok with that.

Got my first unemployment check.

Half of what I would normally make.

I seem to be ok with that too. I'm beginning to wonder why I'm not more upset about this.

Excuse Me! I Find Your Box Offensive!

So I spent a lovely day with friends. It was fun and relaxing and just a joy.

On the way home I decided to stop at the bookstore, I'm absolutely positive that my perfect heaven will have a bookstore in it because I can go there and spend hours doing absolutely nothing. If I'm there long enough, I'll find something that I must have. Not a good habit for an unemployed single mom, but there I was nonetheless.

As I waited in the quarter mile long line to buy my cds and book, I watched the dynamic of the "families" around me. Observing human behavior has always been a love of mine and poking at someones paradigm is one of my all time favorite sports.

The 20-something man in front of me was with his mother. She was a frumpy, smelly, loud woman that made me embarrassed for him. He was waiting in line to make his purchases and she kept walking up and giving him things that she was going to buy.

She was obviously of the Christian persuasion because she made mention of the sermon that morning and she was bringing him religious books to hold.

When we got up to the front of the line, the cashier, who was absolutely undoubtedly pagan in every sense of the word, rung up all the books together.

This caused mother dear to go into a loud frenzy because she wanted to pay separately. Her son reminded her that she was now cutting in line if he didn't just pay for everything at one time.

She went off. I'm pretty sure God was quite embarrassed although I don't honestly believe that God gets embarrassed. Anyhoo, I was horribly embarrassed for the son.

Her son asked her why she was buying another Bible. She said quite loudly, "I've worn my other one out".

At that point, as we waited for the manager to come and cancel the whole mess so Pagan Princess could start again, this woman turned on me.

Ok, I do not have a poker face. I never had the ability to hide my feelings and I have gotten to the point in life that I don't even try. I was disgusted with this woman. Not because of her faith, but because she seemed to be using her faith as a weapon and I'm never comfortable with that.

She said to me, "Are you saved?"

"Saved from what? Apparently, I wasn't able to save myself from this line".

"You need Jesus Christ in your life".

I said, "How would you know that? Can you see my heart? Do you have a Divine knowledge of where I'm at in spirituality or are you just being rude without purpose? You aren't going to hit me with your new Bible are you?"

Ahem.....dead silence.

She stomped out. Everyone within earshot laughing.

My turn at the register, Pagan Princess made the judgemental comment that Christians can be so rude. She asked me if I was a witch.

"Do I look like a witch? What do witches look like and just for the record, not all pagans are witches".

"I'm a witch and I worship the Mother Earth".

"Really? Are you sure because if you were in a burning building and had no way out, if flames where licking at your skin and you were facing death, I can guarantee that you would not be crying out for Mother Earth to save you. I can guarantee that you would be crying out for God the Father to bless you with a miracle".

"I thought you weren't a Christian".

Then, of course the man behind me started to get involved. I was making a scene and anyone asking a question that smacked of any kind of judgement was probably going to get run over at this point. The man behind me was really enjoying the show.

He then said, "For the sake of argument, what religion are you?"

I launched.....

"I'm born to a Jewish father and Southern Baptist mother. I have a Bible college degree. I'm buying Buddhist Monk chant cds because I've joined a new age book group that is studying about joy and the first thing I have to learn this week is how to quiet my mind and meditate.

I'll go home tonight and light candles because quite frankly incense makes me gag. After putting my new cd in, the first thing I'll do is praise God and his Son for every single blessing in my life because I know it comes straight from his hand. Then I'll make peace with myself and my world tonight.

I may work on my dream board because the full moon is rapidly approaching and I feel a need to focus on what is missing from my life. Still, I'll sleep like a baby because I know who I am and what I believe and I'm not afraid to push back on uncomfortable judgements. If you can figure out what box to put all that in, I'll gladly listen to your thoughts".

He started to laugh, then he followed me out the door. "If you'll give me your phone number, I'll be happy to take you for a cup of coffee and share my thoughts".

Too funny. And yes, I gave him my phone number. Any man who spends Sunday afternoon in a bookstore, hears me rant and is still interested...well, he deserves a cup of coffee.

The Joy Diet

Jamie_Ridler_Studios is presenting an online bookclub adventure. It begins today, but there is still time to get involved. The book is The_Joy_Diet .

Here is the description:

Welcome to The Joy Diet, a menu of ten behaviors you can add to your way of living and thinking to enhance every day’s journey through the unpredictable terrain of your existence. You can add these behaviors gradually and watch your
life become steadily more vivid and satisfying. Or you can go on a “crash Joy Diet” to help you navigate life’s emergencies.The ten menu items are:

• Nothing: Do nothing for fifteen minutes a day. Stop mindlessly chasing goals and figure out which goals are worth going after.

• Truth: Create a moment of truth to help you unmask what you’re hiding—from others and from yourself.

• Desire: Identify, articulate, and explore at least one of your heart’s desires—and learn how to let yourself want what you want.

• Creativity: Learn six new ways to develop at least one new idea to help you obtain your heart’s desire.

• Risk: Take one baby step toward reaching your goal. The only rule is it has to scare the pants off you.

• Treats: Give yourself a treat for every risk you take and two treats just because you’re you. No exceptions. No excuses.

• Play: Take a moment to remember your real life’s work and differentiate it from the games you play to achieve it. Then play wholeheartedly.

• Laughter: Laugh at least thirty times a day. Props encouraged.

• Connection: Use your Joy Diet skills to interact with someone who matters to you.

• Feasting: Enjoy at least three square feasts a day, with or without food.

No matter what your long-term goals are, The Joy Diet, written with Martha Beck’s inimitable blend of wisdom, practical guidance, and humor, will help you achieve the immediate gift of joyful living in the here and now. Begin your journey today.

I'm all about exploring BLISS, I'm all about peace, I'm all about making new friends. Join me!

Laying Narcissism to Rest

When one becomes a party to a narcissistic relationship, it changes you to the core of who you are. There is no way to go back to what you were before the relationship.

I had a therapist tell me once that the best I could hope for is to be able to pick up the pieces and fit them back together as best I can, moving on into something new. Still I needed to understand that there would be missing and damaged pieces. That I needed to mourn the loss of those pieces and go forward.

I feel like I am moving into something new finally.

Tonight I was looking on Amazon.com. I could do a whole blog post on the fact that Amazon is from the devil and designed to take all my money, but that's for another time.

As I looked at books, for the first time I didn't look at books on narcissistic recovery or abuse or anything like that. I can't tell you how profound that realization was.

Tonight, I thought on BLISS and looked at books in that vein thinking all the while about perhaps continuing my study on BLISS into 2010. It would be the first time ever that I felt like I didn't get to the "end" of the thought.

Life has changed for me in the last two years. I've grown and matured and survived a situation that could have destroyed me. That experience is now in my past. I know that I will never be the person I was before I met him nor will my life ever fit together like it once did. The experience and in particular that man, put me on a path I never would have chosen for myself. For two years, I have been angry about that.

Tonight, I am at peace with this path. I want to explore my creative side more. I want to be open to what God has for me. I want to move on from the worst experience of my life and I finally feel as though I can.

There were times tonight when I had thoughts of various narcissistic topics. I could have posted on them, but didn't want to "go there". I suppose it doesn't mean that I won't at any given moment in the future. I suppose it also doesn't mean that I won't draw upon what I know should the opportunity present itself.

But for tonight and going forward, I have picked up the pieces of my broken life. I have picked up the pieces and fit them together as best I can. Tonight, I move on to something new.

I don't know what is around the bend. What I do know is that I have a creative, new life that I am proud of and I am enjoying. I don't think it gets better than that.

Seen this morning on Facebook....

Kanye West interrupts Patrick Swayze's funeral to say that Michael Jackson's was better.

Someone has a sick sense of humor and I thought it was hysterical.

Precious BLISS

2009 Word of the Year - BLISS

I choose one word every year to study, this year it is BLISS......

This picture came up when I "googled" Precious BLISS. I think BLISS must be precious or so many people wouldn't be seeking it. I also think that BLISS can be cold and hot at the same time. What may excite us and bring us closer can also leave us full of anxiety and fear.

Christian believers often think that BLISS is something to be attained afterlife and when they are completely delivered into heaven.

Buddhists believe that BLISS is part of the tantra and something that comes with emptiness.

Most folks think that BLISS is some thing that will bring such fulfilled joy into their lives that they will feel as if life is complete.

Still others see BLISS as moments captured quickly.

I think BLISS is precious and free flowing. What brings me much joy right now, may be transient. What I might capture as my BLISS in this moment, may not in the next.

My circumstances right now are a tad precarious. I am "unemployed" in the traditional sense. Last night, I had my first panic attack about it. I believe that it will not be my last.

I have my writing to fall back on, but doing it full time is a scary thing.

My children want me to work my life in such a way that I am home more. Quite frankly, I would like to do that too. But do I trust myself enough to do that and do I believe enough in my own skills to launch something like that without driving myself crazy?

By my definition of BLISS, I have so much in my life. I have a home I love and a family that loves me to the moon. Do I trust my God enough to sustain us through my BLISS of writing or do I need to find an employer?

Last week, Reminator and I were talking about my being home more and how much everyone liked it. I asked him for suggestions about how I could work what I do part-time into full-time. He said, "How's that book coming?" and I shrugged.

Writing is my BLISS. My BLISS is precious to me. Life has presented the opportunity to launch something new and wonderful.

Which brings me to my point.....

When BLISS is so very precious, but scares the living daylights out of you....how do you pursue it? Something to ponder....I plan to do quite a bit of it in the next few days.

A New Day

Isn't it funny how a new day always seems to bring new perspective? The sun is shinning and the sky is really blue today.

At night when life overwhelms me, it is really hard to stay focused and know that all really will be well because things just always seem to work out. It's that middle of the night stuff that is not really rational and yet it effects my sleep and my thinking. I hate that. Anxiety is a horrible thing.

All the children are home from school today with some form of the flu...well...the exception being the Reminator.

There is activity and peace and life is good. Wonderful how things work out like that.

Middle of the Night

Panic attacks suck.

Yesterday, I couldn't even find a job to apply for....today, I can find them....if I take a pay cut of $25K. Hello? That is almost half.

My friend pointed out yesterday that no one in my profession changes jobs in the fourth quarter of the year. She pointed out that I need to be able to get through January unless some miracle happens.

Another dear friend pointed out that she is in the same position that I am and has been there ten months.

Unemployed ten months. I just wanted to hug her.

But in the middle of the night....I'd just like the pain in my chest to go away, my breathing to return to normal, and my family to be safe.

For the first time, I'm feeling a tad scared.

Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week Begins Today

It's Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. For more information, visit http://invisibleillnessweek.com/ .

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (LUPUS)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2004

3. But I had symptoms since: 1994

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: realizing that my body is breaking down and I need to constantly adjust because of it.

5. Most people assume: I'm lazy and just not trying hard enough.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting my body moving through the stiffness and pain.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I don't watch a lot of tv.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer, it links me to others who understand.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Being exhausted at the end of the day and still needing to be plugged in so that my children don't suffer.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 10 on a good day

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: I try to use a lot of natural supplements.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: VISIBLE, it sucks to be sick and not look sick. People just don't tend to understand.

13. Regarding working and career: There are days that I can barely move, but as a single mom, I have to keep going.

14. People would be surprised to know: I think that having the right to end my life when my children are grown and when I deem the pain too unbearable is really important.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: The opinions of others and the fact that this will probably be the death of me.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: It hasn't stopped me at all yet, I just have to think it through so that it doesn't do more damage.

17. The commercials about my illness: What commercials. This is an illness that effects 1.5 million people. There have been no new drugs in 50 years.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: When I want to do something, just picking up and going.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Being in the sunshine whenever I wanted. Sunscreen, check. Hat, check.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Who has time for hobbies?

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Spend the whole day in the sunshine with my children.

22. My illness has taught me: That everyone has a story. Everyone struggles with something seen or unseen and that everyone needs compassion.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: What do you mean you are tired, you haven't done anything in days.

24. But I love it when people: Are patient

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Courage isn't always the roaring lion, sometimes it's the still small voice that says, "I will try again tomorrow".

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Your life isn't over. It's just changing.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How it has changed my thinking and taken me out of my box.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Brought my family dinner just because, they didn't even know I was having a hard time. I don't have a support system, so any little thing is so appreciated.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: When people can't see that there is something wrong, they don't understand. People need to understand.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Really, really good.

Twitter, Facebook, and Cell Phones....Oh My!

From my friend Sarah.....looks forward to when facebook, youtube and twitter merge to become youtwitface.

My daughter has a new cell phone. In the first four hours she had sent over 200 text messages (that is sent mind you and she has already cleared it twice), which begs to ask....should I be preparing for some kind of physical therapy for her thumbs?

Our conversation went like this....

Me: Why don't you turn it off?

Her: Because I'm having conversations.

Me: I have no one to text. So sad. You know I could start Twittering, I have an account.

Her: Why would you want to do that, it's dumb? "I'm eating now". That's so stupid, no one cares.

Me: Why would you constantly text then?

Her: Texting is a conversation. It is a back and forth conversation. Twitter is your whole life on the internet and no one cares, really mom.

Me: Why don't you just call people?

Her: Mom, that is so 2000. No one just calls unless it's your mother or someone who doesn't have a cell phone or someone else who just doesn't know what they are doing.

Me: I think texting is a waste of thumb movement.

Her: And blogging isn't? You waste all your fingers blogging. So let's go play Tetris cause no one is texting me.

Alrighty then....this conversation is over. And for the record, I'd prefer a phone call any day. Too funny.

Things Heard at My House This Week

The night before school:
FooFoo Faith: Will you paint my nails?
Me: Will you pour me a glass of wine?
Her: If I pour you a glass of wine, you have to paint my nails.
Me: Only if I can blog about it.
Her: Are you willing to do my toes too?
Me: I’m seriously blogging about it.
Her: Yeah so what, another year of therapy about the damage my mother has caused, what’s the big deal. Does this color match my shirt?

Super Sam: I’ll give you a dollar if you let me wear that.
Mighty Max: No way.
Super Sam: That’s a really good deal Max.
Mighty Max: My really good deal is that I rip you off. (insert evil laugh).

Me to FooFoo Faith: What has Remy said this week that is funny?
Reminator from the other room: I haven’t said anything and don’t you make anything up because I’ll read it.

Job Hunt Week #2

Resumes Sent: 15

Phone Calls: 2

Responses: 2

Both telling me they will keep their eyes open for me.

Attitude: My previous employer followed through

for which I am eternally grateful.

Since I know you are reading my blog, thank you.

BLISS - 2009 Word of the Year

My son says that I'm easily distracted by shiny things.

My daughter-in-law says that I'm like

Dory in Finding Nemo.

Too funny!

Twas the Night Before School

Twas the night before school time and all through the house
The creatures were sturring and moving about.

The children were driving their mother insane,
Could this day really last cause it's been such a pain.

Haircuts for all and two for Max.
His first didn't look right with his new backpack.

Poor Sam couldn't find a backpack that would work,
Sew it mom, sew the old one, it's ok with the dirt.

Faith tried on outfits and much to her horror.
She didn't have one that would do from the store.

What do you think? Is this one a ten?
It's the first day of school, my clothes must be zen!

Time for make up, do her hair so that practice she could.
Help me mom! Help me mom! Help me mom! There I stood.

Off to school for a social, ice cream for all.
New teachers, new school, is this the right hall?

Max talked with his teacher, shared all his issues.
Deer in headlights, poor woman, here take a tissue.

Showers for everyone, wash your hair, brush your teeth.
Time for bed, are you ready? Please don't give me grief.

Soon more than quiet will fill this house,
On the eve of the new year, so please don't grouse.

The dark desends, but mom I can't find mine.
Oh for gawd's sake, please, I need some wine.

And now we anticipate the chaos of morning,
Sorry, I needed to be a bit corny.

Geesch, I need a job.....and I'm serious about the glass of wine.

OMG! This is Horrible!

We have major rioting in the streets. I have never seen anything like this. It's just horrible. Life will never be the same. We as a family may never recover. Please keep us in your prayers as my 8th grade daughter has a zit on her chin for the first day at her new school.

Oh the humanity!!!!!

I have now confirmed that I AM the worst mother in the world because I have blogged about the said zit.....excuse me while I go and post this on my Facebook wall.

Holiday Smoladay.

I've realized that being unemployed, quite frankly, means every day looks the same. I turned to my daughter this afternoon and said, "I want to go to work tomorrow". She sweetly said, "I know mom" and then patted my shoulder.

Ironically, I went into the DSHS office on Friday to see what I would be eligible for should the need arise. I want to be proactive so I don't hit desperate. I can put my pride away if it means my children get what they need, still I hate it just the same.

What an eye-opener! People of all walks of life there. The ones I couldn't take my eyes off of were the multi-generational families. Grandma checking on her medical, mom checking on her food stamps, and the children swinging from the light fixtures.

I've never been a welfare mom ever. Yes I have five children. Yes I have four still at home. I've always been able to work and support them. I've never gone a whole week where I couldn't get at least a "Sure come on in next week and we'll talk".

I got nothing next week. It scared me. I've spent this weekend planning meals, unpacking, enjoying the house. This weekend passed as any other day. Nothing special. Not sure if I'm sad about that, it is just different.

I have decided that I will not job hunt on the weekends. Weekends are for my family and peace of mind. Tomorrow, I begin again. I already have five resumes that need to go out.

I wish I was going to work tomorrow.

Stupid Ghost Hunters

Confessions of the pathetic single mom who has no life.....

I LOVE THIS SHOW. It is totally junk food for the mind and I'm sure that there are people out there who find that this is absolutely real, but I just enjoy the drama between the team and watching to see if they ever find anything...Hint: they are so clinical, they rarely find something. I like that. Seems more real somehow.

So how does this tie into my real life.....

Last night, I spent the first night in the house alone. It was one of those rare and horrible times when I wished that I could click my heels together, close my eyes and say....I wish I had a man. I wish I had a man. I wish I had a man.

Damn...I don't and that means I have to chase my own ghosts without any back up.

So picture this...me coming home to an empty house. I thought all the lights were off when I left. As I drove up to the house, it looked dark. When I went in, two lights were on upstairs.

Um, that's weird. When I see weird, I always check the state of the animals. If they are calm, I figure all is well. Ok, I know that is not a good metrics of calm, but it's all I've got because I don't have a man.

I changed clothes, wandered through the house. Checked ALLLLL the rooms. Turned off the lights. That's when I heard it. Movement upstairs. The only rooms upstairs are the twins bedrooms and I had just been up there.

I looked around for Docster the Great Dane/Golden Retriever mix. He is a softy, but he's big and so I figured he can at least intimidate any ghost up there. Problem was, I couldn't find him.

I went to the bottom of the stairs. I turned on the light at the top of the stairs. Nothing. This light worked a few minutes ago. Now....nothing.

I heard movement again. "Docster come here", I said in my most authoritative "I'm alive and you are a ghost" voice. Nothing.

"Doc, come right now". Nothing.

I went to get my cell phone. I could already hear myself....

"Hello 911, I think I have a ghost in my house and he's eaten my dog". Ahem. I wasn't ready to go to plan "B" just yet afterall, I'm a new millieum woman. I can handle anything. I don't need no stinkin' man.

In a flash, I remembered what I'd learned from all those episodes of Ghost Hunters. Claim your home and tell them to leave.

"You aren't welcome here anymore. This is my house. You have to leave now", I yelled with authority.

Out of the darkness in a flash was movement straight down the stairs. I swear it never touched the ground. It was just there all of a sudden. As it flew by me in a flash, I failed to see what else was coming down the steps. The speed was incredible. It hit me so hard at the bottom of the steps, I landed on my tush. The light in the stairway popped on.

In the quiet, I laid down on the floor moaning trying to assess if one can truly break one's butt.

Docster came up and laid down beside me. The cat he was chasing was now licking my face.

What have I learned from my first night in the house alone?

1. Lights on upstairs can't be seen from the street level of the house.
2. My dog needs more obedience training so that he will come on demand.
3. I think there may be some weird wiring in the stairway.
4. Perhaps laying off the Ghost Hunters for bit wouldn't be a bad thing.
5. I must get me a man.

You may begin cleaning your computer screen now.

Job Hunt Week #1

Resumes sent: 34

Phone Calls: 17

Responses: 1 letter from a temp agency saying that

they don't have anything right now.

1 phone call from a contact

telling me to hang in there.

Attitude: Good. Finances are in order

at least through October

as long as my previous employer

follows through on promises.

A tad worrisome I must say.

Things Heard at My House This Week

Normally a Friday fun thing, but I've got so much this week....it's spilling back onto Thursday.

FooFoo Faith: Boys love blonds, but real men love brunettes.
Me: I know a few blonds who might disagree with you.

Mighty Max: You can just feel the good energy flowing through this house. I can feel it in me.
SuperSam: That sounds like something Jackie Chan would say.
Me: Huh?
SuperSam: We weren't talking to you.

FooFoo Faith: I need a better hair straightener. The one I have now leaves my hair with a poof.
Me: It's so hard to be 13 years old, a trauma really when your hair has a poof.
Her: YES IT IS!!!! Big name colleges have done studies that say the worst, most traumatizing age for a girl is between 13 and 16. I'm just getting started with the most horrible time of my life.
Me: Oh brother, I've lived a lot longer than you have and I can guarantee that 13 to 16 ain't it.
Her: Ok then, what's the worst?
Me: Well, 48 is sucking a bit right now.

Me: You are so cute. So many girls are going to want to kiss your face.
SuperSam: Not until I'm 16 then I'll start dating. I've already had two girls ask me on a date. I just tell them, "Sorry, you have to wait until I'm sixteen".
Me: Do these girls know you are only 10?
Him: They were in my class so they are 10 too.
Me: Why did they want to go on a date?
Him: I DO NOT KNOW! They just came up and asked me.
Me: Should I call their mothers?
Him: Please DO NOT embarrass me.

As we talked about her new school.....
Me: I'm excited for you. There were so many kids there with different dress on, so many different countries and cultures. It will be good for you to be in this school.
FooFoo Faith: I want to be in my vanilla school with my vanilla friends because I'm vanilla.
Me: Time to stretch, time to grow. Bwahahahahaha!
FooFoo Faith: (Groan) Time to go put this on your blog. You are such a blogger mother.

Reminator to friends as they entered the house: Be careful what you say. Anything you say could end up on my mom's blog.

Narcissists Are Such Destroyers

People often ask me why I use Nyles' name when I blog. It's simple really. When people Google him, my blog comes up. I want it to come up because if someone is Googling his name they are seeking answers and trying to figure out what that nagging feeling is that "something isn't right". I wish to God that I had been able to find someone to answer my questions, someone to give me the truth.

I got another email tonight....

Although I am sure that Nyles' insanity has ruined any chance we have of truly trusting each other, I wanted to let you know that I am still reading your blog when I can, and finding all your emotions way too familiar. Today I am having a bad day, I suppose that is why I logged on to your blog this afternoon. A few things have transpired since we (you and I) last spoke, and, although I never had any idea of getting back together with him after what he had already put me through, he did continue to make it worse, basically denying anything he had ever said to me, telling me that "Casey" was the one in his life, and that I should have known it would never have worked.

I have, as of late, contacted a couple more people, and then received a very irritated email from him this morning, followed by a wonderful story about his latest trip to Mexico, which for some reason I should be happy about for him....

Is a man truly insane that believes his own lies?

The thing is....narcissists aren't insane. Insane people do things that they don't understand are wrong. A narcissist, when given a choice, will do the thing that causes the most damage because they feed off the control and power it gives them. Knowing that their words and behavior kill another person's spirit makes a narcissist down right giddy.

Nyles has moved on to the next woman. In about four months....well two or three at this point....she will begin to feel this nagging that something isn't quite right. She will voice it to him and he will blame her. She will try and figure out what is going on and he will charmingly inform her that it is just her past talking and if she would just trust and act appropriately they would have a nice, long happy life together.

What she doesn't know, is that a narcissist cannot be with just one woman. He is already with at least one other person....probably two since I know now that in the four years I have known him, he has always been with three at a time.

Until she is hit between the eyes with the facts that this man (and I use the term lightly) sleeps with everything that lays down in front of him.....she will believe his charming lies because he is just that good.

She was in a vulnerable state when she met him. She was hurting and he came in and literally became what she needed in that moment. How do I know that? Because I have spoken to so many of his victims. The story is always the same.

Two years healing wasted on this man and another two before that wasted on loving him.

I have spoken to women from twenty years ago who were fed the same lies and promises with never any intention of seeing them through. Twenty years from now, I suspect their will be an additional group of women who are destroyed by this horrible man.

My heart breaks for their future pain. My heart rejoices that I am free to love and be happy. May the woman who sent me the email heal and recover her beautiful life quickly.

Living for the Moment - BLISS

I'm hijacking this saying from my friend's blog, Always_Carried_Away . Visit her often, she's really a good read.

Anyhoo....this saying hit me right between the eyes. So appropriate for my life right now. I'm thinking that I should have it tatoo'd on my butt backwards so that I could read it in the bathroom mirror every morning. Ok, that was the stress of the day talking.....

"Eventually all the pieces fall into place...until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason".

2009 Word - BLISS

Ok, I know when life looks out of whack and everything imaginable is going wrong....well, it can just be hard to see BLISS anywhere.

I don't know if it has been my year long study of BLISS or just the fact that I am who I am, but amidst the losing of my job and the theft of my things, I am content.

The pursuit of my BLISS is one of peace. I don't want turmoil in my life. I want peace and in many ways peace and contentment have become my BLISS.

Why do I question that I feel so good? I suppose I should be in tears and feeling anxiety. Don't get me wrong. In the middle of the night I tend to wake up and have a bit of a panic attack, but for the most part, life is good.

We are already falling into a pattern. Mornings are spent job hunting, making calls, sending resumes, praying for God to move some thing.

I'm waiting to hear about my unemployment. I'm hoping my car lasts through this dry spell. I'm persevering.

Still, there is peace....BLISS.

FooFoo Faith and I went to the open house at her new school. She starts on September 9th. She is nervous. It is more of an inner-city school and I'm so excited for that. I went to a high school where I was a minority. I loved it. It forced me to learn about different cultures and be open to other people and what they thought. FooFoo Faith is no longer in an vanilla environment. I am excited to see how it changes her paradigm.

Mighty Max and Super Sam have their own rooms for the first time ever. There has been no problem or fear at all. It will be fun to watch their individual styles develop as they take over their own environment.

Reminator was afraid he would be too far from his friends to connect. One of them is picking him up from work tonight. He will be hanging out with him for a couple of days because of his time off.

Everyone is happy which gives me that BLISS.

Do I need a job....yes. If you pray, please do. If you send good thoughts and karma, please do. If you dance naked under the moonlight to the mother earth, please do. I need a job and I'm not going to turn one away because it didn't come the "right way".

Still, I know I have my finances in order to get us through October at least even without unemployment.

I feel blessed that there is peace in my home. I feel blessed that I have this beautiful house, pets, and a great family. I feel blessed that I have friends who sit in my cheering section no matter what. I even feel blessed with my blogging family.

BLISS. Thank you to everyone that supports me. I deeply appreciate it.