Nyles Fan Huffman Club - m4w - 51 (Mill Creek)

I got a call on Sunday night at 11:30 pm. A dear friend frantic asking me if I had seen it. I got out of bed and went to look. This is what I saw on CraigsList.....

"If you've had the pleasure of meeting this man, Nyles Dean Huffman, lets get together and talk. You may have been deeply hurt by him like so many of us, or perhaps you just haven't discovered that side of him yet. Yes, I am a woman scorned, told many lies to, been promised marriage, and dreams of travel...how about you.? You got caught up in his charms, his gentleman ways, always taking care of you and wanting the best for you, as he goes off to the bathroom to text someone else while you wait at the table. You think you are different, he would never do this to you!! Of course not. I don't care anymore, I have nothing else to lose...I have lost it all over this man. Don't make the same mistakes as me."

I contacted the woman who placed the ad. It has launched me on a week long journey to peace. I finally found out that yes, he has been the one for the last two years telling people that I am insane. I found out that yes, he was sleeping with not only one other woman, but a total of four all the while living with me. And yes, I found out that it is his pattern of abuse. He is an emotional and psychological rapist.

May the person who placed this ad find peace. She deserves it!

BLISS in Chinese

My friend T told me to stop with the past relationship debris stuff and get back to the pondering about BLISS. She knows not what she launches.....

Ok so I looked up BLISS in Chinese. I can't figure out how to post it here. Perhaps when I'm more awake and bored I will make another attempt. Until then....

One of the meanings for BLISS means, "family love and joy".

Family love and joy. Yeah right. I could say that all day and it would sound like an oxymoron.

When I think of family love, I think of my family of origin. My family was dysfunctional. My dad had a complete inability to express emotion and my mom was, I believe, a narcissist who held me responsible for everything when I didn't even have a hand in it.

So, how does "family love and joy" equal BLISS on any level. I suppose in many ways, family love is found in the family that I'm raising. There has always been a "looking after each other" kind of feel.

I'm one of those mothers that runs around asking, is this going to impede growth? If I can't see it impeding growth, we forge ahead. That translates to....we are a home without many rules. Always a horrible fact for my ex-husband.

We are also a home of adventure and exploration.

I think that where I grew up with a lot of rules and failed much of the time, I have chosen to raise children who can experience much and test their "knower". The "knower" is that place in your gut that tells you something is amiss. Mine didn't function properly until I think I was in my forties. Ok, maybe not that bad....but there you go.

There have been many times that I have let my children fail because it was their choice. I did warn them that they were going to fail, but if their logic was to forge ahead I let them.

As a result, my two adult children have this incredible ability to weigh consequences. I look at so many parents now who make all their children's decisions for them. I see children who don't trust their own gut. Still it is their child and their parenting style. Forge ahead I say!

My children in many ways are raising themselves. They are smart and can think for themselves. They use healthy logic. They are happy. They have BLISS...not all the time mind you. In fact at times, it can be a war zone around here.

BLISS in Chinese means family love and joy.....or at least this version of BLISS does.

Do we have a family love where each lays down themselves for the other....at times? Yes.

Is there joy in my home? Yes.

Does it matter how your family is shaped or functions? No.

Family love and joy.....BLISS. Cool. I like it.

Wow....Who Knew?

So I started tracking my blog traffic. Who knew? I thought a few of my friends, those that love me anyway, were the ones reading here. Within a couple of days, I had over 400 hits…..from all over the world. Who knew?

Then I added an email address. I’ve begun to get emails from all over the world about their pursuit of BLISS based on ponderings in my blog. Who knew?

I also have had the honor of receiving emails with stories. Lots of stories. Lots and lots and lots of stories about surviving psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist. Who knew?

When I was first coming to grips with what my relationships were based on, I was alone. I didn’t have anyone in my life that understood. I had never even heard of narcissism, where it came from , what it was based on, or how to survive it and recognize it so that I don’t have to encounter it again.

In two years, my life has been filled with people met online and in person, who have suffered and survived. It has been amazing. In two years, I have learned more about this psychological/personality disorder than I ever could have imagined. In two years, I have healed from the most emotionally devastating experience of my life at the hands of a narcissist.

If you are suffering, know that you are not alone. I answer every email. If nothing else, I will stand with you while you pick yourself up.

BLISS is my word for the year. I am learning about it every day. I believe, based on what I have studied about this word, that everyone is capable of having BLISS in their life. BLISS is multi-faceted like a diamond. I believe that to live in that BLISS, one must be chiseled and formed much like a diamond.

My life, and specifically the last five years, has been a chiseling of some sort. I gotta tell you, it sucked.

And yet, here I am.

BLISS….what a great word!

My Path - Part V - Nyles, The Somatic Narcissist

I've been with both kinds of narcissists, the cerebral and the somatic. I've shared my story about the cerebral before. I haven't posted this part of the story because it is still a tad raw.

This week, I've met another of Nyles'victims. For her, I post here...in the open...so she knows that she was taken just as others were....

I suppose telling my story helps some although I’m not sure why. I used to be embarrassed by it, being a college educated woman in my late forties and all. I’m sharing it because if it helps one person cope and see that there is hope and a future then it makes my pain worth it.

When I met Nyles, I was very lonely, vulnerable. I’ve posted about my life over the last five years and it wasn’t pretty. The thing about narcissists is that they find the most vulnerable part of your spirit and they latch on, manipulate it to make sure that they get in deep.

We had known each other via the internet and through a business he owned in our town.

Two and a half months after it got physical, he left his wife to be with me. Yes, we were both married. I own that. It was wrong. I have paid dearly for it.

Two weeks later he went back. We went no contact at that point. I went through all the crying and “why is this happening” crap. The thing is, it hadn’t really lasted that long and I wasn’t sure why I felt like I was over reacting on huge level, not like the professional woman I had always been. It was because he had already begun that taking over the spirit that narcissists do.

In a short time, he came back to me wanting forever and that is when he left his wife for good. I was beginning to move on. The thing is, I loved him and I wanted him. He told me all the things that I’d longed to hear. That I was deeply loved. That I was the best sex he’d ever had. That he knew that he couldn’t be without me.

He would tell me, “Jeanette, we are giving up the good for the great. We both have good marriages, but we have something so great here, so wonderful, soon enough we will be launching our life together”.

He would call me LOML. He signed all his emails that way. He put me in his phone under that pseudonym. Everywhere he went, he would send me pictures with LOML written….in the sand….with rocks….in the dirt. LOML…it means Love of My Life.

We began our life together. He brought me into the open immediately. I was incredibly happy.

It was at that point he went on a business trip. We had been living together for months. I was so happy. Clueless really, but incredibly happy.

We had merged bank accounts. Planning a cruise. Vacations. Plans for the holidays.

While he was on the business trip, I found emails between him and another woman. Someone he had been seeing the entire time we were together. He’d met her and started sleeping with her while he was "working on his marriage". He had kept up the relationship while launching forever with me.

The emails were printed out and left in a desk drawer. He hadn’t even meant to hide them. He had wanted me to find them. I am absolutely sure of it.

He came home from the business trip. He asked for a couple of weeks to just think things through. Since I’m all about personal space, I had no problem with that. We had also just rented a house because I was getting custody of my children and we needed something bigger.

Three weeks later, I went to our favorite bar that was around the corner from the condo. He wasn’t taking my calls or emails and I hadn’t connected with him in three weeks. The bartender said, “Who is the skanky blond Nyles keeps bringing in”? I questioned the bartender and she was sure that this woman was living in my condo which happened to be around the corner from the bar.

I called him begging him to tell me what the hell was going on. He finally called me back. Told me he had met the woman of his dreams, Jenn, a third other woman. She works minimum wage, has never been married, and has four children all by different fathers according to Nyles. She needed him more than I did and he said I was too independent for him.

He met her on the internet while he was on his business trip. He physically met her the day after he asked me for his “personal space" two weeks. He moved her into MY condo five days after he met her so he told me because she was just perfect for him....the one.

He went on to tell me that I was fading into his past and I needed to move on and that he could never be with a woman long term that would sleep with a married man. Didn’t seem to matter that he was still married and was now living with his third other woman in a year.

This launched a year of deep investigation and pain. Jenn turned out to be a complete psycho who launched her own vendetta on his wife, me and the other woman.

Six months of asking questions, I was able to piece together this as the first week of his self-imposed silence.

Sunday – Dump Jeanette
Monday – Meet Jenn for the first time.
Tuesday – Have the other woman spend the night at the condo. She had left her family for him that day.
Wednesday – Take the other woman to breakfast. He told her that she could leave her husband if she wanted, but that he wouldn’t be there for her and didn’t want her because she sleeps with married men.
Thursday – Wife spends the night in my condo.
Friday – Jenn spends the night in my condo for the first time.
Saturday – Nyles drives 200 miles to move Jenn into the condo.

I learned that his wife is a beautiful blond. She was kind, patient, and loving. I was thoroughly guilt ridden because of my part in hurting her. She was not at all like I had imagined. The thing is, he could only see and describe her as a controlling bitch to justify punishing her. He had his first affair one month into their marriage with her best friend.

I know now that the 25 years they were married at the time, she was just trying to hold on to what she had and that is what made her act out. Nyles had created her to be this way.

He loved his strip clubs and massage parlors, loved his many other women. He was always put out about his life not being what he wanted it to be. He had always told me that I was his first affair. (A narcissistic trait that lying).

He is a full-blown narcissist with a Cluster B Personality Disorder, aka Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Narcissists are people without a self-esteem who destroy everyone close to them to get what they want because, after all, narcissists are too lazy to work for anything themselves. My therapist diagnosed him from emails and phone messages. He also diagnosed me with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress. It was a horrible time in my life.

While trying to figure out what the hell was happening, I was paying for the rental house. I was paying for the condo that Nyles and Jenn were living in. I was now waiting for the results of my STD check.

After a month, I went to the condo to retrieve the rest of my things. As I knocked on the door, the a woman yelled at me that she was going to call the police. Nyles called my cell phone. He told me I was scaring her . I told him I just wanted my things and I would quietly leave. She refused to open the door. Nyles told me that I had no right to anything in the place because I had abandoned him and the condo. (Rewriting history….a trait of narcissism)

The condo was on the fifth floor. When I got down to my car, with nothing I might add, things started to hit the sidewalk. The woman threw things off the balcony. Breakables that had been in my family for generations were hitting and shattering on the pavement. It was such a picture showing how my life was shattered. I got in my car and drove away.

Over the next six months, I stayed engaged. How I wish I had just walked away.

Many horrible things happened over the next few months, things that were always attributed to Jenn being a psycho. After discussions I've had this week, I’m now beginning to wonder if it wasn’t Nyles pretending to be Jenn. Blaming her as he was blaming me. (Narcissists have a way of altering the victim’s reality)

Nyles would call or text me to meet him outside the condo. I would go. Then I was told by someone that Nyles and Jenn were complaining that I was stalking them. Each thing that happened I thought was rational but I would find that Nyles had turned it into being my insane behavior, that I wouldn’t let go of the relationship. (Narcissists will often manipulate to become the victim).

I changed my phone number at least four times that year. I changed my job four different times in one year. It was insane that I was willing to derail my career rather than engage with these people.

He continued to email me wanting to be friends. I asked him once why he wanted to be friends. His response was that he wanted me there in case he needed me later. (A classic symptom of narcissism.)

I asked him why he chose her. His response was that she was a drinker and desperate. (Classic narcissism - go for the lowest common denominator)

He still emails me every couple of months fishing. I suppose I should block him and did for a time. But each email reminds me of what he is and that he is dangerous. It is easy to ignore him now.

He walked up behind me once in a Starbucks. I turned around and I couldn’t believe what I saw. In a matter of months he had become this old man and he looked so weird. He had shaved his head, pierced his ears, totally become a hippy. He was a 50 year old man trying to look like a 20 year old hippy.

All I could do is blurt out, “What the hell happened to you” and walk away. (Changing appearance to mirror your SO is a narcissistic symptom)

A year after we went no contact, I had a chance meeting with him. I was so shocked. He looked terrible even his teeth were falling apart.

His phone rang and rang. He kept sending it to voicemail. I finally said, “Perhaps that’s important”. He said something like, it’s just Jenn, she never leaves me alone and then he turned his phone off.

He wanted to know if we got back together did I think it could work. I stood there stunned. It was like watching a documentary of NPD behavior. I couldn’t look or walk away. How could I have missed so much of his insanity?

I had still not buried the pretend guy so I asked him if I was still the "love of his life", something he had always called me. He said, "I won't know if you are the love of my life until I'm on my deathbed". I said, "Good to know, but by then, there will have been so many other women, you won't remember me at all anyway".

At the end of the conversation, he said, “You just used me now just like you always used me. You are so selfish”, then he asked me to meet him on Thursday because he missed sex with me. (Classic projection…classic retribution…classic narcissist)

What was most amazing about that encounter is that he had created Jenn to be a controlling bitch just like his wife in less than a year and was complaining about her just like he had his wife.

It has been two years since I was Devalued & Discarded. A term that is well known in the community of narcissist survivors.

While I still get emails from him as if we were still friends and lovers, it has been more than a year since I have talk to Nyles or responded to him.

In that time, I have talked to and met several of his other women. I have just recently met a woman that he was seeing the entire time he was with me. She had a three year relationship with him. She thought she was the only one, just as I did. I now know that he was seeing and sleeping with at least four women during the time he was planning to marry me.

While it is really hard to come to grips with how deep the rabbit hole goes, I now know without a doubt that it wasn’t me. Nyles told me it was me, that we would have worked out if I wasn’t such a bad person. (Another narcissist trait). It took a long, long time to come to the understanding that it wasn’t me.

What did I gain….

Myself.

My self-esteem.

The best real life friends I’ve ever found.

A different job making more money than I’ve ever made.

Healthy children who managed to survive it all who now call Nyles, “Him who shall not be named”.

I’m healthier than I’ve ever been because I am no contact with all parties, but I still have a long way to go to launch a relationship with someone new.

There have been times through the last four years that I did exactly what my friends told me to do and nothing else because I couldn’t think for myself. I was a puddle on the floor, loving a man who never existed. I was only with him a couple of years, but I believed everything that he ever told me as truth.

I cannot deny that I loved him and was perhaps, in love for the first time in my life. I can't deny that in many ways I still love him or perhaps the man I thought he was, the man he said he wanted to be to me. The thing is, he killed that man and he is now buried and long gone…..if he ever existed at all.

I have learned more about narcissism than I should have ever had to know.

I’ve learned that when you are in the narcissistic fog, you can’t think straight even when you try. The lies are deep and loads of fun for them to tell. When lives begin to fall apart at the narcissist’s hands, they truly enjoy watching it. It feeds them. It is why, should any of his other women ever come to me for answers, I will sing like a bird.

I dodged a bullet and I am so very thankful

My heart breaks for his wife.

What I value now most of all, what I have learn is that I am my own best friend, a good friend to others, a great mom, a stellar employee, and some day, I will love a real man who will love me back with a real love. He will be deeply appreciated just because he is real.

I have a friend. I have talked to her about starting a website so that when people google his name, they would find it and be warned. The thing is, when I lived with him, I believed that I was the only one, the love of his life. I don’t believe the person that I met this week would have believed a warning either. He is just THAT good.

So I choose to concentrate on the beauty of my life. To slog through these memories and when a victim crosses my path, to help them up, brush them off, and tell them it wasn’t them.

I also choose to read each and every email that Nyles sends me because it reminds me that I dodged a bullet.

So that my friends, is where this blog started….trying to heal from a relationship that never should have taken place. I’ve been asked if I think Nyles is the love of my life. My answer every time is the same....I sure hope not because if that is as good as it gets I’m screwed.

I am free and going to have a great life. He will never be happy and will live tormented all his life because of the way he attempts to destroy people for his own pleasure.

BLISS….2009 Word of the Year!

Pain Upon Pain

The thing about narcissists is that they must do the same thing, the same way every time. They don’t have the ability or thought process to vary their emotions because they don’t have any emotions. Their pattern remains the same each and every time.

In September, I will be narcissist free for two years. TWO YEARS. It has taken that long to breath and feel normal again. Even now, I wake up sometimes and feel like I’ve lost a huge chunk of my life and myself.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of meeting another one of his victims. She is intelligent, articulate, and beautiful. She was in a vulnerable stage in her life when she met him and she continued on with him because she loved him with a pure heart and intended to keep every promise she ever made to him.

I saw myself in her….where I was two years ago. I feel like I went through that time alone and in pain. I promised myself then that I would never turn one of his victims away should she try to contact me.

She loved him just as I loved him. She was promised a life with him just as I was. She gave him everything she had, just as I did. Asshat!

She has been used and destroyed in exactly the same manner as I was. It broke my heart to hear her story. I do give her credit though. She was able to keep her children out of the mix. She protected them from him. I did not. I envied that about her.

Narcissists do the same thing, the same way every time. Why? Because it works for them. It breaks my heart every time. He has a new woman in his life. She has known him about three months. I believe in a few months, I’ll be sitting down for a drink with her too. Sad isn’t it.

Validation is a Beautiful Thing

Tonight, I interacted with someone who knew the man who did the most damage to me. She was in a three year relationship with him at the same time that I was.

Narcissism is a horrible thing. It destroys everyone.

She was able to connect some of the dots for me. It is my hope that I could help her too.

I have been able to lay much to rest tonight. It is a gift without a price.

Jeremy's Body Has Been Found.

http://cbs13.com/local/lathrop.man.missing.2.1082982.html

Prayers and Good Thoughts for Jeremy

He is still missing. Please see below for more details.

Tonight they have brought in search dogs.

Please keep your prayers and well wishes coming.

Out of the Mouths of My Children

Things said in the last 24 hours at my house.....


My 13yo daughter on the phone.....

Once upon a time was a long time ago and Prince Charming is divorced by now and has a huge child support payment. He probably has an STD too. That's why you need to go to college and not be thinking about your wedding. Well, at least that's what my mom says.


10yo MM at the resturant at dinner.....

You couldn't be cool if you tried mom. You are old and past your prime.


19yo Reminator when he caught me online laughing with girlfriends at 1 am.....

You really should tell your pretend friends good night now and come back to reality because you need your sleep.

Me: Five more minutes and I'll get off promise.

(Mumbling as he walked away: It sucks to be the only adult in this house)


13yo daughter tonight at dinner.....

My friends all think that you are the best mom ever, but then they don't live with you either.


10yo SS at dinner tonight in a "fancy" restaurant.....

Mom that bathroom sink was so fancy, it made me WANT to wash my hands.


10yo MM while I was talking to another driver who wouldn't let me onto the freeway.....

Mom, it's not all about you.


Off to cuddle and watch a movie and wait to see what comes out next......

HELP!

My friend's nephew is missing. His name is Jeremy. He is 29 years old and was last seen July 9th in the French Camp area. He is bipolar and needs medication or he becomes disoriented. He has now been without his medication for two days.

Yesterday they posted flyers. Today begins the foot search.

If you are in the Stockton/Lathrop area.....could you please keep an eye out for him.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts for my beautiful friend and her family.

Jonas Brothers Rehab....it's time.

2009 Word of the Year....BLISS (ok so I'm pondering today)

Apparently I'm on a roll today....

Glück

German for BLISS.

Except when I look it up in the German to English Dictionary, it means luckily or fortunately as in "Best of Luck!". It also means happiness but that is way down the list of meanings.

So what role does "luck" play in finding BLISS.

We Americans are horrible at assuming that we can create our own BLISS if we just pursue it enough. Of course that has created a whole generation of narcissists that seem hell-bent on taking from others. My opinion only, but having lived it....well there you go.

Our country has done great and wonderful things in the world. I'm proud to be an American. I'm also of the mindset that I can pursue and attain BLISS if I work through my debris field appropriately.

If BLISS is nothing more than luck being encouraged by another, I'm in a heap of hurt as I don't know that anyone is wishing me luck right now.

Just my thoughts.....and a revelation that I'm glad I'm not German. That was meant to be a joke.

2009 Word of the Year - BLISS

The New World Dictionary says that BLISS is the ecstasy of salvation; spiritual joy.

The Old English Dictionary says that BLISS is the joy of Heaven.

If that is the case, then I would think that BLISS would be completely unattainable here on earth.

We struggle and wound each other and lose control and crap.....some days life just sucks. If it is truly spiritual joy and the joy of Heaven, then what we suffer from here is the antithesis of BLISS.

Perhaps my logic is clouded by the fact that I'm dealing with my stinkin' thinkin' lately. While I have been feeling horribly about my life and about myself, I have moments of pure BLISS almost on a daily basis.

I feel content and happy, but it is fleeting. When it begins to slip away, I can actually feel it.

Last night, the twins and I went to Burger King for dinner. (A step up from the food source from the bowels of hell I might add.)

I was looking at Mighty Max. He is looking like a pre-teen to me these days. This is a child that amazes me. He has a learning disability. He is teased about it at school often without mercy.

And yet, this child is growing into a man who just doesn't care about it. He lives in BLISS. The way he describes his life is that some people just aren't good at some things, but they are good at others. He was telling me how he just needs to find his passion and what he's good at and he will live a happy life.

I said, "Where the heck did you get that"?

His reply, "You told me and that's what you do".

I view myself as someone who doesn't have her act together at all. I view myself as someone who has fallen short over and over....in my relationships....in my career....in my faith....in my life.

Out of the mouth of this 10 year old child, came just what I needed to hear. As long as I find what gives me passion and try to be good at it....I will live a happy life.

And easy life....NO.

A blissful life....YES.

I've always believed that to attain BLISS one must have some kind of spiritual connection. For me, it's with a God who loves me although my faith weaves in and out of methods of expression. Still, I know who I am and what I believe. I think that puts me light years ahead of most other people.

I want a BLISSful life. I think I can say with confidence that there are parts of my life that are stellar examples of that BLISSful life. I am thankful for that. I am at peace with it.

Bwwwwwahahahahahahah! Nuff Said!

Twins Night

Tonight is Twins Night. I love Twins Night. Just me and the daring duo...out to dinner...off to the park....

No matter how tough life is, no matter how much my stinkin' thinkin' is out of whack....Twins Night is the best!

I love Twins Night! Pure BLISS!

Rejection SUCKS

So I'm pondering this dating crap again.

I met someone. Really enjoyed the heck out of him. Was letting him drive the relationship wherever and reality is that it hadn't even gotten off the ground yet. Still I was enjoying him.

We had friended each other on Facebook.

It was a simple, easy relationship. Pleasant....until....

He de-friended me on Facebook.

No explanation at all. This person who just turned 50 (what is it about men turning 50 and losing their minds)....anyway....this person who just turned 50, just up and deleted me.

It's so funny I have to laugh.

And yet, it felt like rejection. Stupid because in my mind, I don't see where it was even going anywhere.

Still it was rejection and I am tired of being rejected even when it should be no big deal.

Tonight, I face the pain once again that I may be so damaged that I may never let anyone near me again. When I do open up, I tend to get run over.

I also met a second man. Seemed nice enough, but not really as nice as the first man I was exploring possibilities with.

He, unfortunately, is ready to go. Why am I rejecting him, he is only willing to see me on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays which SCREAMS married man to me. I'm not even willing to take the chance. If he can't see me on Saturday and Sunday, I'm just not even willing to go there.

When I expressed that, he just said something about boundaries and how he'd call me later this week. Ahem....no thank you.

The third man who expressed an interest in me rejected me because he felt that I wouldn't be understanding of his disability. Ok, thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt and at least a cup of coffee. Oh, that's right....I GOT NEITHER because you assumed I wasn't open.

Rejection is a brutal thing that must be approached in a way that doesn't damage self-esteem. My problem is that I've been rejected so many times over the last few years, I'm not sure I even know where my self-esteem begins because of the damage that has been done.

Narcissism is a pervasive part of my life now. I am watching for it constantly. I am seeing it everywhere. Looking back over my life, I now see that I have been impacted by it since the day I was born.

I keep hearing and being told that if I keep moving forward, I will heal and go on to a healthy relationship. I'm not sure that I believe that.....especially when I feel so much rejection.

As much as I would like to say, "It doesn't bother me when things don't work out, it just wasn't meant to be", it ain't gonna happen. I'm tired of being rejected. I want answers as to what is wrong with me that men find it so easy to reject me.

JJ and I talked today about strong women and how it so often feels like a "bad thing" to be so strong; how men are intimidated or how strong women don't fall all over themselves to get a man and so we aren't needy enough.

I would really like to find a strong, single man who is capable of a calm, loving relationship. I just hope that when he magically appears, I won't be so jaded that I don't give a rip.

Rejection SUCKS.

From My Beautiful Friend Sarah.....THANKS!

Written to me when I needed a friend....posted with her permission.....

You haven't found a great guy yet because there are so few of them out there. And yeah, I know that sucks.... but maybe think of it this way:

You're a beautiful bird.

He's a slug.

There are 1,000,000 slugs to every bird (for the sake of a number)

If you keep looking at the ground and think"all those slugs""they all have other slugs"

"but I don't have another bird"

"why is that OK? why do slugs have one another and I don't have another bird?"

If you were willing to settle for a slug, you'd have 999,999 to choose from.

But you're not.

You're waitin' on your bird.

And he comes when he comes, because he's probably busy building his nest and puttin' all sortsa nifty stuff around it to entice you when he comes flyin' over to find you.

Or, he's married to a slug and doesn't yet have the balls to squish her and get it over with.

Or he's not yet ready for you.

But there are so FEW of them out there..

In reference to the ex...."why does he get what he wants", well, YOU could have it too if you were willing to settle for a slug!

(credit for the drawing goes to http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/broken-heart-cheryl-shibley.jpg )

Psalm of the Narcissitic Man

My whims are my master;
I shall not want
They maketh me to seek greener pastures:
They leadeth me to lie in strange boudoirs.
They erodeth my soul:
I stray from the paths of righteousness for my own sake.
Yea, though I drag you through the hellish extremes of an affair,
I shall not face my actions, for you cannot make me;
My lies and evasions they cover me.
Thou preparest a place for me in your life and your dreams:
Thou enablest my weakness with love;
My cup runneth over.
Surely anger and misery shall be caused by me all the days of my life:
and I shall dwell in the House of Denial forever.

(I don't know where I got this from, if you know the owner, please forward it to me so that I can give the appropriate credit)

Tagged....I'm It

So there is this new phenomena in blogging....it's called tagging.

They list 25 random things about themselves and then tag three more blogs. The owner of those blogs list 25 random things....and so on.

I think the idea is that you learn random interesting things about the owner of the blog, but you also get an invitation to visit the blogs of those that they tag. It's kind of fun and I've learned interesting facts about people I know only through the net and can then forward you onto some interesting people I know in both real life and over the net.

So to that end, here are my 25 Random Things about Jeanette

25 Random Things about ME

1. My bedroom is my favorite place in the world. I am working on creating a new place for me. I’ve already bought several pieces of furniture and new, unused bedding. Not sure when I’ll throw it all together, but I’m gathering to create the perfect peaceful place.

2. I love that my hair is long and getting longer. I’ve decided that I may never cut it again.

3. I think raspberries are the best snack of all time.

4. My favorite workout has become the batting cages in the heat of the day.

5. I have a fish on my desk at work and he will let me hand-feed him. A strange zen-like joy every day.

6. My favorite color is black, I know….boring, but it goes with everything and it’s calming for me.

7. My favorite place in the world is Moab, Utah. I hope to retire there someday.

8. I am a pet-aholic. Way too many, but I just love them and enjoy every one.

9. I’m not ready to be a grandmother, although my son and his wife are forging ahead without my permission. Don’t know why that makes me laugh.

10. I hate to cook. Totally hate it and if I can come up with an excuse not to, I don’t. I am very adept at coming up with stupid excuses much to my children’s disgust.

11. I’ve had blurred vision in my right eye for several years now and no one seems to know why.

12. I love to read and spend time reading every single day.

13. My favorite movie is Practical Magic. I identify with their curse somehow. I also love the clothes and hair. Of course the fact that they all end up happy in the end is wonderful too.

14. My shoe size has increased by a ½ a size with the birth of each of my children. I wear a size 8 now…..and I’m done having children.

15. I may work at a landscape construction company, but I have no ability to grow anything except children.

16. I’ve worked in the same profession for the better part of 30 years. Always thought I’d do it until I retire, suddenly, I’m very interested in spending the next 25 or so years doing something different. Just can’t figure out what yet.

17. I love rafting and never seem to do enough of it.

18. I have a really bad temper. It takes forever to trigger, but once it does….best to get out of the way.

19. I keep lists. To-do lists. Things I’m thankful for lists. Places I want to go lists. Compulsive creature that I am.

20. I love Mexican food.

21. The friends I bring into my world are there forever. I’ll do anything for them. Probably why I don’t think I have very many friends.

22. If I could have a job traveling to only third world countries, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Probably why I’ve never been able to bring myself to actually buy a house.

23. I prefer white gold or silver to yellow gold.

24. Clutter is my enemy. I hate it. Drives me nuts.

25. I am an ENFP if you are familiar with Myers-Briggs. It makes me a rare personality, so I’m told. Only 2-3% of the population have this type of personality. Who knew?

I'm tagging the following blogs....not just because they are interesting reads, but because each one is an interesting, loving, beautiful woman and I'd love to know more about each one.....

http://meeting-the-madwoman.weebly.com/blog.html

http://droppingbeads.blogspot.com/

http://aceandmeandtheguywithcp/.blogspot.com/

ENJOY!

What a Great Holiday

Mine was fab. I hope yours was too!

This made my day....

If only it were that easy! BLISS ! Too funny!

Three Whole Days

Three whole days to cuddle children, chase dogs, and pack.

I will sleep in, I will eat whatever I want, I will laugh.

Three whole days....I need this bad!

Leech People

It still amazes me how many people in the world actually leech off of others. My electric, water, and gas meter service both my home and my neighbors. They now owe me $3000 for electric and water since January.

As for the gas, it is in their name, which would be why it was turned off a month ago and will not go back on until they pay the back debt. Living without hot water sucks.

The husband told me he would pay me $800 last night. Didn't happen. A drip in the bucket of the $3000 debt, but whatever.

If I don't pay theirs, mine gets turned off. So pay theirs I do.

I went downstairs this morning to collect the promised $800. He wasn't there. The sister of the wife was there. She started calling me every name in the book.

I don't understand why on earth people go through life thinking they are entitled to take from others. When I called the husband, he got all indignant with me as if I was trying to take something that wasn't mine.

I turned the electricity off to their place at my breakers. I immediately got a phone call to call me names and demand that I turn it back on.

Hello? All I could think to say is, "I can't afford to support your crack head family, it's just not my problem anymore".

I have no doubt that they will turn off the water now as the master switch is in their home.

I was buying this house through a rent to own program. Taking possession of it this coming December. The lady who was selling it has not paid her mortgage since last November. I got notice last month that the house was being foreclosed on. I will not be taking possession of the house in December.

When I talked last to her she said, "I won't be paying you back any of the money as its long gone". She hasn't answered her phone in more than two months. I won't be paying any more rent until she does.

The thing is, I was paying extra to cover my utilities and she was supposed to be paying it. She wasn't. Everything went off in March requiring that I pay all the back debt to get it on...hence the paying all the utilities since January after having paid $2000 a month for rent and utilities.

I'm looking for a house to move. Not an easy thing as everyone wants first, last, and deposit. About $6000. Overwhelms me to just think about it.

I guess I just have to wonder why I seem to have so many of these takers infecting my life so often the last few years. Why is there such a sense of entitlement and the rude indignation when I won't provide what is being demanded of me.

I am terrified that I am going to lose my ability to be empathetic. I am terrified that I won't give a crap about anyone but my family pretty soon.

Not a good start to my day. Stupid people!

A New Week Long Holiday!

So this apparently is "National Take Jeanette Out of Her Comfort Zone" week. Who knew! I have so much changing in my life and I'm having a really hard time keeping up....not that I'm complaining after all....the crappy few weeks past were just plain....crappy.

Still, my paradigm is being stretched and changed and formed into something new.

Can't figure out if I should be excited or hiding. Kinda fun to figure it out though.

Oh...get your gifts early...my favorite color is Black.

I Like This.....Nuff Said.