So the tree is up in all it's glory. The front of the house is decorated. Let's face it, the entire house looks like Santa puked all over it. My mother gets into this holiday big time. Given my preference....I'd head to St. Thomas and just spend the entire month laying on the beach.
Alas, my mother and the children have dictated that the decorating should be done...and so it is.
I've held in tears all day. I miss LOML and really hate how little value he put on me. The damage to my self-esteem has been incredible. His cavelier attitude of, "It just happened, no big deal, sorry the blond was an accident but I'm keeping her" is appalling. So obvious that he never cares about anyone's feelings but his own.
Saw one of my therapists on Wednesday. He pointed out some interesting facts that hadn't factored into my thinking....
LOML left his wife and nice little nuclear family. Left his leadership position in his church. Left the possibilities of being on the mission field in Mexico. All things he valued.
LOML left me and the dream life of travel. Left his plans to travel and have adventures all over the world. Left the independent woman he had always fantasied about. All things he longed for.
LOML has chosen a life where he gets to work at a job he hates. Lives with a woman who will be dependent on him the rest of her life. A woman who controls him through manipulation and mothering. Lives a life where the only excitement they have is sitting on a bar stool every night and getting drunk a couple of nights a week.
Why none of this had occurred to me before is beyond me. I realized this person that I loved so deeply, is actually someone I wouldn't want to even have as a friend now. He has become someone who is so mind-numbing. A sad thing really since I always thought he had so much potential, such an exciting life ahead of him.
I asked my therapist if he thought LOML would contact me this weekend while he was away. He said no because she would be watching him like a hawk and I just never mattered anyway.
Well the only contact was him responding to an email I sent him. Him saying "goog on you". I think he meant "good on you", but he cared so little about the email, he probably didn't even read it.
So I'm left with the shattered life that I have. I want to fill it with good things. Good people since I've obviously been giving so much for so long to what would classically be deemed a bad person.
Today I reflected once again on the dreams and plans made and the promises. Damn those promises. Knowing that none were kept and words are just that. Nothing to him.
Life is going to get better. If for no other reason, I have goals and dreams and plan to make them come true. Beats sitting on a barstool every night. Can you live happily ever after on a barstool? Must ask LOML in a few years.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Can't....Stop....Crying....
Some days, the pain is so intense. Some days, I can barely breath. Some days, I think it would be easier if I just stopped.
LOML leaves tonight with his blond...heading out to work a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving...hundreds of miles away. Laughable really as this is not a man who would think to do this himself. Talk about being out of your element.
Still, I can't help but remember that evening last February...sitting in the little Mexican restaurant. He sat across from me...holding my hand. We talked about how wonderful this holiday season was going to be. How we would be making our very own traditions this year! That by the time the holiday got here, we would be through the hard stuff and launching our life together. I asked him if he promised. He smiled that big beautiful smile of his and said, "I promise babe, it's going to be great".
Here I sit. The better part of the day I have held in tears and sobs. Sucking it up...again. As soon as I hit the car after work, I sobbed all the way home. I will spend Thanksgiving...medicated.
My mom said, "When people travel together, their uglies come out. He's probably not happy". Then she told me to get ready for Yoga class because I haven't lost 40 lbs sitting on my butt. My mother is practical if nothing else.
He promised me so much. He kept none. I hope they both get food poisoning.
LOML leaves tonight with his blond...heading out to work a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving...hundreds of miles away. Laughable really as this is not a man who would think to do this himself. Talk about being out of your element.
Still, I can't help but remember that evening last February...sitting in the little Mexican restaurant. He sat across from me...holding my hand. We talked about how wonderful this holiday season was going to be. How we would be making our very own traditions this year! That by the time the holiday got here, we would be through the hard stuff and launching our life together. I asked him if he promised. He smiled that big beautiful smile of his and said, "I promise babe, it's going to be great".
Here I sit. The better part of the day I have held in tears and sobs. Sucking it up...again. As soon as I hit the car after work, I sobbed all the way home. I will spend Thanksgiving...medicated.
My mom said, "When people travel together, their uglies come out. He's probably not happy". Then she told me to get ready for Yoga class because I haven't lost 40 lbs sitting on my butt. My mother is practical if nothing else.
He promised me so much. He kept none. I hope they both get food poisoning.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Living as a Tree
I'm in the process of evaluating. I'm evaluating every area of my life....along with one of my therapists. Yes I have more than one. Sometimes life just gets that desperate.
I'm looking at where I want my life to go....why I pour so much of myself into the people that I do....what I really want my life to be about.
I saw a video on YouTube by Madea. It talked about living life as a tree. It has impacted me so much, I can't help but apply it to what I'm experiencing right now. I'll paraphrase it this way...
We live our lives as trees and interact with those around us on so many levels that each relationship can be compared to a part of a tree.
Many thousands of people in my life are leaves. When the wind blows this way or that, they move without much thought as to the impact they have on my life. For a season, they might be beautiful and quite the joy, providing shade. But when the season is over, they fall to the ground, wither and die. They float out of my life as quickly as they came in.
Many people are like branches. They look strong, appear to be strong support, as if they are completely attached to me. But when I step out on them...when I choose to rely on them...they do nothing but break. What I thought was someone strong in my life....well they just weren't and the pain of that realization is sometimes too much to bare and always seems to come at a time when I need them most.
There are also people who function as roots. They aren't going anywhere no matter what. They are the people who feed my spirit...keep me safe. If I can find three or four roots in my lifetime, I will be fed what I need to live a healthy life.
So I've been pondering my relationships. Who is a leaf...a branch...a root?
I find that most of my roots have passed away....my dad, my uncle. The one who remains my strongest root is my mom. More than ever, I have come to realize that she is there for me no matter what. It wasn't always like that, but even now when I struggle with my train wreck of a life, she will wrap her arms around me and say, "I'm not going anywhere". Powerful stuff.
As for my ex-husband, he wants desperately to be a root. He will never be more than a branch. Counting on him is just not safe. Our relationship works best when I don't have any expectations at all. He always seems to surprise me in good ways when I only expect the worst of him. He won't change and I am unwilling to live without the expectation that the man I'm with will watch my back.
LOML...I so wanted him to be a root in my life. I love him more than life, but I have come to realize that he is just a branch. He probably should have just been considered a leaf, sometimes I'm pretty sure that's all he ever wanted to be, but he has chosen to be a branch and because of our history, he will always be running in the background of my life....even though I would love to have him as the deepest root of all.
The ironic and painful thing is that for LOML, I will always be willing to be a root for him. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I felt differently, but my reality is that I love him more than life. I meant every thing I ever said to him....I meant to keep every promise. Painful indeed.
So I am lead to ponder....why am I always the root to so many branches and leaves. I'm back to the same question that I have been pondering for three months. Why do I give so much...love so much...offer so much to people who give nothing of what I need back to me? When will the answers come.
I'm looking at where I want my life to go....why I pour so much of myself into the people that I do....what I really want my life to be about.
I saw a video on YouTube by Madea. It talked about living life as a tree. It has impacted me so much, I can't help but apply it to what I'm experiencing right now. I'll paraphrase it this way...
We live our lives as trees and interact with those around us on so many levels that each relationship can be compared to a part of a tree.
Many thousands of people in my life are leaves. When the wind blows this way or that, they move without much thought as to the impact they have on my life. For a season, they might be beautiful and quite the joy, providing shade. But when the season is over, they fall to the ground, wither and die. They float out of my life as quickly as they came in.
Many people are like branches. They look strong, appear to be strong support, as if they are completely attached to me. But when I step out on them...when I choose to rely on them...they do nothing but break. What I thought was someone strong in my life....well they just weren't and the pain of that realization is sometimes too much to bare and always seems to come at a time when I need them most.
There are also people who function as roots. They aren't going anywhere no matter what. They are the people who feed my spirit...keep me safe. If I can find three or four roots in my lifetime, I will be fed what I need to live a healthy life.
So I've been pondering my relationships. Who is a leaf...a branch...a root?
I find that most of my roots have passed away....my dad, my uncle. The one who remains my strongest root is my mom. More than ever, I have come to realize that she is there for me no matter what. It wasn't always like that, but even now when I struggle with my train wreck of a life, she will wrap her arms around me and say, "I'm not going anywhere". Powerful stuff.
As for my ex-husband, he wants desperately to be a root. He will never be more than a branch. Counting on him is just not safe. Our relationship works best when I don't have any expectations at all. He always seems to surprise me in good ways when I only expect the worst of him. He won't change and I am unwilling to live without the expectation that the man I'm with will watch my back.
LOML...I so wanted him to be a root in my life. I love him more than life, but I have come to realize that he is just a branch. He probably should have just been considered a leaf, sometimes I'm pretty sure that's all he ever wanted to be, but he has chosen to be a branch and because of our history, he will always be running in the background of my life....even though I would love to have him as the deepest root of all.
The ironic and painful thing is that for LOML, I will always be willing to be a root for him. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I felt differently, but my reality is that I love him more than life. I meant every thing I ever said to him....I meant to keep every promise. Painful indeed.
So I am lead to ponder....why am I always the root to so many branches and leaves. I'm back to the same question that I have been pondering for three months. Why do I give so much...love so much...offer so much to people who give nothing of what I need back to me? When will the answers come.
On Stage / Off Stage
I hate job hunting...with a passion. The constant need to be on stage because I never know who I might interact with that may have the magic phrase on their lips. Ug! I have been unemployed for almost three months now. Exactly one week after LOML left my life.
Could someone please explain to me why there isn't a law that says only one area of your life is allowed to tank at a time?
My self-esteem has taken a beating this year. A horrible one. Some days my sanity is but a distant memory. And yet, here I am...again.
I so desperately want normal. To be in a relationship of peace. To go to work everyday so that when the weekend comes, I'll have money to spend. To lay down every night cuddled up to the one who loves me best. Why is what I long for is so elusive? Why is it that every man I've ever known acts like I ask too much of him when I ask that he just treat me with respect and have my best interests at heart?
So many questions....and the only option I really have is to pull myself out of bed each Monday morning, climb on stage, and begin again.
Could someone please explain to me why there isn't a law that says only one area of your life is allowed to tank at a time?
My self-esteem has taken a beating this year. A horrible one. Some days my sanity is but a distant memory. And yet, here I am...again.
I so desperately want normal. To be in a relationship of peace. To go to work everyday so that when the weekend comes, I'll have money to spend. To lay down every night cuddled up to the one who loves me best. Why is what I long for is so elusive? Why is it that every man I've ever known acts like I ask too much of him when I ask that he just treat me with respect and have my best interests at heart?
So many questions....and the only option I really have is to pull myself out of bed each Monday morning, climb on stage, and begin again.
A New Thing for Me
As I process my life, it just seems right to try and share what I'm feeling...thinking. I'd love to say, "I've arrived", but I haven't. I keep bringing people into my life that seem hell bent on destroying it. Of course they never feel that they need to take responsibility, sigh.
So it is with some trepidation that I launch this little adventure. Will anyone ever read it but me? Who the hell cares!
What I do know is this....
This year is coming to an end. Fairly soon. I have loved this year with more passion than I thought possible, and I've fallen into a pit that was so dark I never thought I'd see the light of day again when I lost him.
I've come very, very close to committing suicide...scary close.
I've learned that the damage my mom did in my childhood was not intentional but created out of her own pain although I don't know that letting her get close would ever be wise.
I've realized that my ex-husband isn't as horrible as I once thought, in fact daily he seems to be proving that he can change too.
I've become aware that I am my own person and having lost myself this year, I'm looking forward to getting to know myself all over again. And perhaps, maybe...just maybe...learning to love myself more than ever.
So it is with some trepidation that I launch this little adventure. Will anyone ever read it but me? Who the hell cares!
What I do know is this....
This year is coming to an end. Fairly soon. I have loved this year with more passion than I thought possible, and I've fallen into a pit that was so dark I never thought I'd see the light of day again when I lost him.
I've come very, very close to committing suicide...scary close.
I've learned that the damage my mom did in my childhood was not intentional but created out of her own pain although I don't know that letting her get close would ever be wise.
I've realized that my ex-husband isn't as horrible as I once thought, in fact daily he seems to be proving that he can change too.
I've become aware that I am my own person and having lost myself this year, I'm looking forward to getting to know myself all over again. And perhaps, maybe...just maybe...learning to love myself more than ever.
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