Living as a Tree

I'm in the process of evaluating. I'm evaluating every area of my life....along with one of my therapists. Yes I have more than one. Sometimes life just gets that desperate.

I'm looking at where I want my life to go....why I pour so much of myself into the people that I do....what I really want my life to be about.

I saw a video on YouTube by Madea. It talked about living life as a tree. It has impacted me so much, I can't help but apply it to what I'm experiencing right now. I'll paraphrase it this way...

We live our lives as trees and interact with those around us on so many levels that each relationship can be compared to a part of a tree.

Many thousands of people in my life are leaves. When the wind blows this way or that, they move without much thought as to the impact they have on my life. For a season, they might be beautiful and quite the joy, providing shade. But when the season is over, they fall to the ground, wither and die. They float out of my life as quickly as they came in.

Many people are like branches. They look strong, appear to be strong support, as if they are completely attached to me. But when I step out on them...when I choose to rely on them...they do nothing but break. What I thought was someone strong in my life....well they just weren't and the pain of that realization is sometimes too much to bare and always seems to come at a time when I need them most.

There are also people who function as roots. They aren't going anywhere no matter what. They are the people who feed my spirit...keep me safe. If I can find three or four roots in my lifetime, I will be fed what I need to live a healthy life.

So I've been pondering my relationships. Who is a leaf...a branch...a root?

I find that most of my roots have passed away....my dad, my uncle. The one who remains my strongest root is my mom. More than ever, I have come to realize that she is there for me no matter what. It wasn't always like that, but even now when I struggle with my train wreck of a life, she will wrap her arms around me and say, "I'm not going anywhere". Powerful stuff.

As for my ex-husband, he wants desperately to be a root. He will never be more than a branch. Counting on him is just not safe. Our relationship works best when I don't have any expectations at all. He always seems to surprise me in good ways when I only expect the worst of him. He won't change and I am unwilling to live without the expectation that the man I'm with will watch my back.

LOML...I so wanted him to be a root in my life. I love him more than life, but I have come to realize that he is just a branch. He probably should have just been considered a leaf, sometimes I'm pretty sure that's all he ever wanted to be, but he has chosen to be a branch and because of our history, he will always be running in the background of my life....even though I would love to have him as the deepest root of all.

The ironic and painful thing is that for LOML, I will always be willing to be a root for him. I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I felt differently, but my reality is that I love him more than life. I meant every thing I ever said to him....I meant to keep every promise. Painful indeed.

So I am lead to ponder....why am I always the root to so many branches and leaves. I'm back to the same question that I have been pondering for three months. Why do I give so much...love so much...offer so much to people who give nothing of what I need back to me? When will the answers come.