Holidays...bah humbug!

So the tree is up in all it's glory. The front of the house is decorated. Let's face it, the entire house looks like Santa puked all over it. My mother gets into this holiday big time. Given my preference....I'd head to St. Thomas and just spend the entire month laying on the beach.

Alas, my mother and the children have dictated that the decorating should be done...and so it is.

I've held in tears all day. I miss LOML and really hate how little value he put on me. The damage to my self-esteem has been incredible. His cavelier attitude of, "It just happened, no big deal, sorry the blond was an accident but I'm keeping her" is appalling. So obvious that he never cares about anyone's feelings but his own.

Saw one of my therapists on Wednesday. He pointed out some interesting facts that hadn't factored into my thinking....

LOML left his wife and nice little nuclear family. Left his leadership position in his church. Left the possibilities of being on the mission field in Mexico. All things he valued.

LOML left me and the dream life of travel. Left his plans to travel and have adventures all over the world. Left the independent woman he had always fantasied about. All things he longed for.

LOML has chosen a life where he gets to work at a job he hates. Lives with a woman who will be dependent on him the rest of her life. A woman who controls him through manipulation and mothering. Lives a life where the only excitement they have is sitting on a bar stool every night and getting drunk a couple of nights a week.

Why none of this had occurred to me before is beyond me. I realized this person that I loved so deeply, is actually someone I wouldn't want to even have as a friend now. He has become someone who is so mind-numbing. A sad thing really since I always thought he had so much potential, such an exciting life ahead of him.

I asked my therapist if he thought LOML would contact me this weekend while he was away. He said no because she would be watching him like a hawk and I just never mattered anyway.

Well the only contact was him responding to an email I sent him. Him saying "goog on you". I think he meant "good on you", but he cared so little about the email, he probably didn't even read it.

So I'm left with the shattered life that I have. I want to fill it with good things. Good people since I've obviously been giving so much for so long to what would classically be deemed a bad person.
Today I reflected once again on the dreams and plans made and the promises. Damn those promises. Knowing that none were kept and words are just that. Nothing to him.

Life is going to get better. If for no other reason, I have goals and dreams and plan to make them come true. Beats sitting on a barstool every night. Can you live happily ever after on a barstool? Must ask LOML in a few years.